Newspaper Column Article 22: The Viralness of HIV/AIDs – Part IX: Caring Love for Her. Trusting Love for Him

As it appeared in the Botswana Sunday Standard July 28, 2013, edition, Systemic Thinking Column 

When a couple are in conflict, often times we are expecting that our partner to think, act and be like ourselves and meet our needs in the same way we think we should meet theirs.  That’s where we can get this wrong.

The column is currently exploring the link between the state of emotional fidelity that exists between couples and the state of HIV/AIDS prevalence that exists as a nation.  To do so, the article explores the ways how men and women think and feel emotions differently.

When we are aware of the differences, we “are freed from the tendency to change our partners at those times we are not getting what we want.  With a greater level of acceptance and understanding, love flourishes and we get what we want from our relationships,” says the author of “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”, Dr John Gray.

The freedom from the tendency to change partners or retain a “variety of them” now becomes a critical key to seeing the prevalence of HIV/AIDS decline.

This week we continue to explore more of the twelve kinds of emotional love that can exist between a man and woman in love.  Physically, we probably have rather similar needs, the need to appease hunger and thirst, the need to stay warm and for shelter, and so on.

But that’s where the similarities end for the “opposite” genders.  Emotionally, we are like from different planets, so says, Dr John Gray, “Men are from Mars” and “Women are from Venus” and then we met on earth without realizing how we come from two different planets!  Go figure!  And we did not come with a handbook to navigate us through this emotional maze.

Here’s one example of this difference.

A man wants his favourite woman to trust that he can handle whatever is bothering him.  That he can handle his problems is important for his honour, pride and self-esteem.  However for the woman, not worrying about him is difficult for her.  Worrying for others is one way women express their love and caring.  It is a way of showing love.  Go figure but it is true.

For a woman, being happy when the person you love is upset just doesn’t seem right.

Ironically, men show their love by not worrying.

He does not want her to be happy because he is upset, but he does want her to be happy.  It helps him to feel loved by her.  “How can you worry about someone whom you admire and trust?”, a man questions.

But for a woman, she wants him to worry for her when she was upset.  Sometimes, it takes years for a man to figure this distinction.   Without understanding this distinction and if a man minimizes the importance of her concerns, this would make the woman more upset.  Again something that does not make sense from a man’s perspective, but it is true.  Ask your man and woman friends (this can make very interesting conversation over a pint of beer!)

The best comes out in a man when his six primary (yes, there are six of them) love needs are fulfilled.  But when a woman doesn’t know what he primarily needs and give a caring love rather than a trusting love, she may unknowingly worsen their relationship.  Here is a story in point.

The knight in Shining Armour

(Extracted from “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”).

This is a powerful metaphor to help us remember a man’s primary needs.  Too much caring and assistance will lessen his confidence or turn him off.

Deep inside every man there is a hero or a knight in shining armour.  More than anything, he wants to succeed in serving and protecting the woman he loves.  When he feels trusted, he is able to tap into his noble part of himself.  He becomes more caring.  When he doesn’t feel trusted, he loses some of his aliveness and energy and after a while he can stop caring.

Imagine a knight in shining armour travelling through the countryside.  Suddenly he hears a woman crying out in distress,  In an instant, he comes alive.  Urging his horse to gallop, he races to her castle, where she trapped by a dragon.  The noble knight pulls out his sword and slays the dragon.  As a result, he is lovingly received the by the princess.

As the gate open he is welcomed and celebrated by the family of the princess and the townspeople.  He is invited to live in the town and is acknowledged as a hero.  He and the princess fall in love.

A month later as the noble knight returns from another trip, he hears his beloved princess crying out for help.  Another dragon has attacked the castle.  When the knight arrives he pulls out his sword to slay the dragon.  Before he swings, the princess cries, “Don’t use the sword, use this noose.  It will work better.”

She throws him the noose and motions to him instructions about how to use it.  He hesitantly follows her instructions.  He wraps it around the dragon’s neck and then pulls hard.  The dragon dies and everyone rejoices.

At the celebration dinner, the knight feels he didn’t really do anything.  Somehow, because he used her noose and didn’t use his sword, he doesn’t feel worthy of the town’s trust and admiration.  And the even he is slightly depressed and forgets to shine his armor.

A month later he goes on yet another trip.  As he leaves with his sord, the princess reminds him to be careful and tells him to take the noose.  On his way home, he sees yet another dragon attacking the castle.  This time he rushes forward with his sword but hesitates, thinking maybe he should use the noose.  In that moment of hesitation, the dragon breathes fire and burns his right arm.  In confusion, he looks and sees his princess waving from the castle window.

“Use the poison,” she yells.  “The noose doesn’t work.”

She throws him the poison, which he pours into the dragon’s mouth and the dragon dies.  Everyone rejoices and celebrates, but the knight feels ashamed.

A month later, he goes on another trip.  As he leaves with his sword, the princess reminds him to be careful, and to bring the noose and the poison.  He is annoyed by her suggestions but brings them just in case.

This time on his journey he hears another woman in distress.  As he rushes to her call, his depression is lifted and he feels confident and alive.  But as he draws his sword to slay the dragon, he again hesitates.  He wonders, should I use my sword, the noose or the poison?  What would the princess say?

For a moment, he is confused.  But then he remembers how he had felt before he knew the princess, back in the days when he only carried a sword.  With a burst of renewed confidence, he throws off the noose and poison and charges the dragon with his trusted sword.  He slays the dragon and the townspeople rejoice.

The knight in shining armour never returned to his princess.  He stayed in this new village, married the princess and lived happily ever after.

As the couple learns to meet these differences it prepares the couple to move to the next deeper level of emotional intimacy between them.   Respect.  And Appreciation.  This will be the subject of next week’s column.

In what way does not knowing these differences that exist between a couple have an impact on the prevalence of HIV/AIDS as a nation?

Would this series of causality be different for countries beyond Botswana in instances where the epidemic has become resistant to our effort to intervene it?   Strange as this question may sound, whose mandate is it to understand and “manage” these distinctions?  The medical sector?  The United Nations?  The government?  Who would that be?  What do you think?  What do your friends think?

 

Ms Sheila Damodaran works as a Systemic Strategy Development consultant currently developing her practice with national planning commissions in southern Africa.  She welcomes comments and queries for her programmes at https://www.facebook.com/SystemicThinkingColumnist or call DID: 3931518 or email sheila@loatwork.com.

Newspaper Column Article 21: The Viralness of HIV/AIDs – Part VIII: To de-stress, “Men Go to Their Cave, Women Talk”

As it appeared in the Botswana Sunday Standard July 21, 2013, edition, Systemic Thinking Column 

When women talk, it means it is a good sign!  They are actually de-stressing.

Some of the male readers of the column shared they were surprised from the previous week’s column that the act of making social contact (such as talking and seeking to be heard or nurturing activities) for a woman is to a woman what withdrawing or becoming aggressive does to relieve stress for the man.

They had no idea!!!

When a man is stressed, he goes to his cave!  He will withdraw into the cave of his mind and focus on solving a problem.   He generally picks the most urgent problem or the most difficult.  He becomes so focussed on solving this one problem that he for a while loses awareness of everything else.  Other problems and responsibilities fade into the background.  If he can find a solution, instantly he will feel much better and come out of his cave and suddenly he is available for being in a relationship again.

Women handle stress very differently.

She does not know how to go to the cave of her mind.  She talks.  Or she finds activities in which she is taking care of or connecting emotionally with others.  This also stimulates the production of oxytocin for her.

 “An understanding of oxytocin-producing behaviours can completely change the way a man interprets a woman’s behaviour.  For example, when a woman complains she is not getting enough support or feels the need to talk about the problems in her life, it does not mean she does not appreciate what her partner does.   Instead, her behaviour is an indication that she is attempting to cope with stress by increasing her oxytocin levels”

— John Gray, Author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Generating oxytocin in the work world outside the home does not happen easily as it can be disrupted by the demands of having to make decisions, and set priorities based on bottom line instead of the need of others, and behaving in a professional manner.  These are testosterone producing situations.  Though there is nothing wrong with stimulating testosterone, it does nothing to lower a woman’s stress levels.’

Finding relief through talking.

When women talk about problems, men usually resist.  A man assumes she is talking to him about her problems, because she is holding him responsible.  The more problems, the more he feels blamed.  He does not realize that she is talking to feel better.

She would usually not open up to a man, if she had not felt “safe to do so” with him.  It is a sign of intimacy she is extending to him on her part.  So, if a woman does talk to you, it is a good sign for the relationship.  He will also eventually learn that that she will appreciate him if he just listens.

Men talk about problems for only two reasons: they are blaming someone or they are seeking advice.  Therefore when a woman is really upset, a man assumes she is blaming him.  Then he draws his sword to protect himself from attack.  If he offers solutions to her problems, she just continues talking about more problems.  He finds his solutions have been rejected and he feels unappreciated.  In both cases, he soon finds it difficult to listen.

He does not realize that explanations are not what she needs.  She needs him to understand her feelings and let her move on to talk about more problems.  If he is wise and just listens, then a few moments after she is complaining about him, she will change the subject and talk about other problems as well.

The degree to which a man does not understand a woman is the degree to which he will resist her when she is talking about problems.  As a man learns more how to fulfil a woman and provide her emotional support he discovers that listening is not so difficult.

Men and women learn to live together in peace because they were able to respect their emotional differences.  The men learned to respect that women need to talk to feel better.  Even if he didn’t have much to say, he learned that by listening he could be very supportive of her.

The women learned to respect that unlike themselves, men when they are stressed, needed to withdraw to cope with stress.  The place where he retires to distress was no longer a great mystery or cause for alarm.

Emotionally, the needs of the two genders are opposite.  Yet, that’s exactly what it takes a couple to come together.  As opposite genders, we do not meet in our similarities.  But in our differences.

When a couple are in conflict, often times it happens because we are attempting to meet the needs for them from our respective perspectives.  We think they are the same as ours.  That’s where we get this wrong.

As the couple learns to meet these differences it prepares the couple to move to the next deeper level of emotional intimacy between them.   Respect.  And Appreciation.  This will be the subject of next week’s column.

In what ways does not knowing these differences that exist between a couple have an impact on the prevalence of HIV/AIDS as a nation?  Would this series of causality be different beyond Botswana particularly in instances where the epidemic has become resistant to our effort to intervene it?   What do you think?  What do your friends think?  What do you agree on?  What do you disagree on?

 

Ms Sheila Damodaran works as a Systemic Strategy Development consultant currently developing her practice with national planning commissions in southern Africa.  She welcomes comments and queries for her programmes at https://www.facebook.com/SystemicThinkingColumnist or call DID: 3931518 or email sheila@loatwork.com.

Newspaper Column Article #19: The Viralness of HIV/AIDs – Part VI: The Twelve Kinds of Love

As it appeared in the Botswana Sunday Standard on June 30, 2013, Systemic Thinking Column

The column is currently exploring the link between the states of level of emotional fidelity that exists between couples and HIV/AIDS prevalence rates that exists as a nation.

It is difficult to imagine that something that prevails by as much as at a personal level can have an impact at a national level.  Yet, when we observe the phenomena of emotional (rather than of sexual) fidelity that exists from person to person, family to family, district to district, region to region, it is really not all that difficult to imagine or ignore the significance of the influence on the level of the epidemic as a nation.  Viruses are not transmitted in the open.  Just because I do not see they are happening openly, it does not mean the transmissions are not happening.

Source:  Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Dr John Gray

Yet, what is emotional fidelity and what influences it?

In the past weeks we saw that this begins when the couple works at meeting and fulfilling the emotional needs of one’s partner.

And then we discovered that the emotional needs of one’s partner (of the opposite gender) are typically different from that of one’s own.

In fact there are twelve kinds of emotional needs or as we say twelve kinds of love that can exist between a couple.

The figure here illustrates what these look like.  We will start from the top.

When a woman meets and fulfils a man’s need to see his woman trust him, it allows him to grow his sense of belief in himself (when a woman believes in her man, it makes it easier for a man to believe in himself).  This act grows feelings of masculinity that fosters a need within him to provide, protect and care for his woman.

As he cares for his woman in each step of the way; the act releases oxytocin in her body, a powerful hormone that plays a huge role in pair bonding for the woman. When we hug or kiss a loved one, oxytocin levels drive up for the person.  This allows her to grow her feelings of feminity that allow her to behave truer to her gender as a woman for her man.  This then allows her to grow feelings of trust in her man.

The more that a man cares for his woman, the more she trusts him!

While the couple helps to meet and build the emotional needs of their partner, the cycle behaves in a self-seeking way that reinforces their ability to receive and meet their partners’ needs.  The couple bonds in this way.

This type of relationship does not require moral, physical or monetary obligations to tie it together so as to make it work.

Couples, who learn this subtle shift in difference in the way they see their partner early on in their relationship, are often on their way to realizing greater levels of fulfilment between them.  Making relationships work becomes ‘cheap’.

As the man and the woman enjoy the first of these levels of emotional intimacy between them, they become ready to move on to the next steps in the bonding process.

This is the capacity of the man to understand the woman by listening to the views she expresses from her side of the world.

For the woman, this also means her ability to accept the man for who he is rather than who she wants to be.

Whenever a man changes his ways, be they his views or his actions, it would be on his own terms.  This is not an act of defiance.  It is what defines a man and separates him from the feelings of being a boy or a child.

It is important for a man that he sees his woman accepts him for who he is and not who he needs to be for her.  The more the man feels he is allowed to change on his terms, and sees the woman trusts him to change on his own accord, the more he feels that his woman meets his need to accept him.

So rather, than say, “Why don’t you take the trashcan out?  It is your trash too!” she instead requests of him to “Would you take the trash out?  It would really make a difference to how the house would feel.”  And when he does take the trash out, she then makes a big deal of his action.  Whenever a man does something for his woman, he assumes there is a risk involved as he is not sure if his actions would be wholly accepted by his woman.

When he sees that she accepts whatever he has given to her, it makes him happy.  This happiness is key to him becoming open to requests on her part in the future for things she would like to see happen for herself.

And this is now his capacity to listen to and understand his woman.

It is not an uncommon remark by men amongst men how “women do not stop talking”.  It is really not all that difficult to see this at checkout counters or at restaurants or at government service counters to see service delivery is delayed, because the women staffs are choosing to chat up to a point that it becomes incessant for each other.  It is now placing a dent on the economy.

Women fulfil that need for each other quite easily.  They are programmed to know how to ‘listen to another woman that fulfils this need for her.  Men however are not programmed to listen for the sake of listening.  He is designed to listen so as to take an action.  He is Mr Fix It.  So how would a woman “programme” her man, so that he becomes ready to offer the listening ear she needs to feel she has been understood by her man?

Think about it and we will explore it here in our next column and the impact of meeting these emotional needs on each other as well as for the economy.  We will explore this and more of the remaining twelve kinds of love then.

How true have these experiences been for you?  As a man?  And as a woman?  How would you tell these distinctions exist for each other?  Happy discussing these with your spouse or your girlfriend and discovering from each other!

Ms Sheila Damodaran works as a Systemic Strategy Development consultant currently developing her practice with national planning commissions in southern Africa.  She welcomes comments and queries for her programmes at https://www.facebook.com/SystemicThinkingColumnist or call DID: 3931518.

 

Newspaper Column Article #20: The Viralness of HIV/AIDs – Part VII: Men and women in love meet in our differences – not similarities

As it appeared in the Botswana Sunday Standard on June 9, 2013, Systemic Thinking Column

“She’s not my type” or “He is not my type”

Yet, that’s exactly what it takes a couple to come together.  As opposite genders, we do not meet in our similarities.  But in our differences.  Emotionally.

When a couple are in conflict, often times it happens because we are attempting to meet the needs for them from our respective perspectives.  We think they are the same as ours.  That’s where we can get this wrong.

In the past few weeks, we explored while a woman accords trust and accepts her man for who he is, her need is met for her when she sees the man care for her.

The column is currently exploring the link between the state of emotional fidelity that exists between couples and the state of HIV/AIDS prevalence that exists as a nation.

This week we continue to explore more of the twelve kinds of love that can exist between a man and woman in love.

First however, a sharing of interesting reactions by readers of the column.  In the course of the week, I received reactions particularly by women readers who share the extent to which they had placed trust on the man they love and how they accepted him for who is, yet, did not see their relationship last.

In many such instances, we also see the couple enter into sexual relationships very early on in their relationship.  Each story is heartfelt yet interestingly the story line repeats in much the same way across relationships.  In most instances sexual intimacy acted as a substitute for the emotional intimacy that can happen between a couple.  We thought the two types of intimacies are the same.  They are not.

There is a however a trick to helping build emotional intimacies between a couple.  Interestingly however, it is found in the first of the ABCs as advocated by government in their efforts to prevent  HIV/AIDs transmission.  And that is abstinence.  This “tool” serves a double-edged sword.  It could prevent transmissions of the virus.  It also becomes key to building the emotional intimacies between couples.

When the couple is sexually intimate very early on in the relationship, and yet emotional fidelity has not built up between the two, the latter is less likely to happen for the couple.  It can also mean it does not happen for life afterwards for the individual even with other partners.

So it is harder to say ‘we trust or accept someone’ because we have become sexually intimate with that person or for reasons other than for reasons attributed for that individual.  Building a level of emotional intimacy can take months to happen.  It does not survive short spans (over night or weeks) of time.

For emotional fidelity to grow, it needs to happen in a space where the couple have not become sexually intimate as yet.  In instances where the couple are successful in doing so, one would usually find they have taken the time to instead to build emotional intimacy between them.

This would seem harder than it is.  It is more so when reflected against a backdrop of seeming need  African men have to be engaged sexually and women’s fear that should they not give in, one would “lose the man” to the next person.

There is an emotional distinction in the sexual activity intended to build an intimacy with one’s partner and one that helps a man regain his sense of manhood or masculinity.  Can you tell the difference?  In one instance it would feel that the man regained or received his sense of masculinity while the other is where the woman feels she received affection rather than having given in to the man.

The man received and the woman gave.  There is a misfit here.

Women sense of joy comes foremost when they “receive” from their man.  A woman who finds herself giving or giving in to others, will usually find herself falling into depression.  The need to give is now running against her inherent nature as a feminine woman.

A man’s deepest sense of joy comes from giving.  When a man is at the receiving end (as when a woman pays for him financially), he may be happy in receiving the money, but not at the expense of he questioning his sense of manhood even so privately.  He may not present this emotional discomfort in front of the lady.  But it could lead him having the need to seek out more sexual conquests with other women as a means to compensate for declining notions of his manhood.

On the other hand, where women learn to build her partner’s emotional sense of masculinity by meeting his emotional needs (trust and acceptance), she would find that over time , this leads to his need for sustained sexual conquests to decline.  This now allows him to open up to build relationships with his partner emotionally.

And this includes now his capacity to listen to and fulfil a need for his woman that her man “understands” her.  This need is ultimately defined by her when it is met for her.

It is not an uncommon remark amongst men to share with each other how much “women do not stop talking”.  It is really not all that difficult to see this evident at checkout counters or at government service counters or to see service delivery delayed because of the women staffs’ need to talk with each other so as to be heard.  This can sometimes come across as incessant chatting.

It is now beginning to place a dent on the economy.  It is a sign that the man in their lives have not yet fulfilled this need for his woman.

Women easily fulfil this need for each other amongst themselves.  They are programmed to know how to ‘listen to another woman”.  Notice the ways when women talk to each other, how they would listen to the woman and respond by taking what they have heard and relating it to their personal experiences and sharing their reactions to the woman or just showing interest in hearing more of what’s been said.

Men however are not programmed to listen for the sake of listening.  He is designed to listen so as to take an action.  He is Mr Fix It.

So how then would a woman “programme” her man, so that he becomes ready to offer the listening ear she needs to feel she has been understood?

All she would need to start with is a request to her man: “Sweetheart, will you offer me a listening ear?  I do not need you to fix anything.  I had a difficult day at work, and it will mean a lot to me if you’d do just listen.”

A woman would not need to say such to another woman.  But she needs to remember to say that to her man.  We forget this subtle point with the opposite gender.  Now he knows exactly what to DO.  The “fix “for him is to listen.  He relaxes, downs his tools and prepares to listen to his woman.

Most men hesitate to take this step because when he sees that his woman is unhappy he believes the reason for her unhappiness has something to do with him.   And he is not sure what is causing it.  It is a risk for him.

But if she prepares him to listen, and he listens, he will soon discover that all she needed was a sounding board.

When a woman is allowed to express what she hopes her man would hear, two things happen for her.  She begins to calm down as when she sees someone listening to her, it allows her to complete her trains of thoughts that lead her to become clearer of what she needs to do next.  This de-stresses her immediately.  This becomes key to ready her to meet another need for her man.  And that is to appreciate him for what he does for her.  Her attention now turns away from herself (and therefore she stops talking) to her partner.

Don’t forget to appreciate the man for listening to you.  The gesture prepares him to better listen to his woman the next time.

The best gift a man can give to his woman is to offer a listening ear to her.

And the couple learns to meet these differences it prepares the couple to move to the next deeper level of emotional intimacy between them.

Are these how you see these or do you see these differently?

Ms Sheila Damodaran works as a Systemic Strategy Development consultant currently developing her practice with national planning commissions in southern Africa.  She welcomes comments and queries for her programmes at https://www.facebook.com/SystemicThinkingColumnist or call DID: 3931518 or email sheila@loatwork.com.

 

The Viralness of HIV/AIDs – Part VI: The Twelve Kinds of Love

As it appeared in the Botswana Sunday Standard on June 30, 2013, Systemic Thinking Column

The column is currently exploring the link between the states of level of emotional fidelity that exists between couples and HIV/AIDS prevalence rates that exists as a nation.

It is difficult to imagine that something that prevails by as much as at a personal level can have an impact at a national level.  Yet, when we observe the phenomena of emotional (rather than of sexual) fidelity that exists from person to person, family to family, district to district, region to region, it is really not all that difficult to imagine or ignore the significance of the influence on the level of the epidemic as a nation.  Viruses are not transmitted in the open.  Just because I do not see they are happening openly, it does not mean the transmissions are not happening.

Source:  Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Dr John Gray

Yet, what is emotional fidelity and what influences it?

In the past weeks we saw that this begins when the couple works at meeting and fulfilling the emotional needs of one’s partner.

And then we discovered that the emotional needs of one’s partner (of the opposite gender) are typically different from that of one’s own.

In fact there are twelve kinds of emotional needs or as we say twelve kinds of love that can exist between a couple.

The figure here illustrates what these look like.  We will start from the top.

When a woman meets and fulfils a man’s need to see his woman trust him, it allows him to grow his sense of belief in himself (when a woman believes in her man, it makes it easier for a man to believe in himself).  This act grows feelings of masculinity that fosters a need within him to provide, protect and care for his woman.

As he cares for his woman in each step of the way; the act releases oxytocin in her body, a powerful hormone that plays a huge role in pair bonding for the woman. When we hug or kiss a loved one, oxytocin levels drive up for the person.  This allows her to grow her feelings of feminity that allow her to behave truer to her gender as a woman for her man.  This then allows her to grow feelings of trust in her man.

The more that a man cares for his woman, the more she trusts him!

While the couple helps to meet and build the emotional needs of their partner, the cycle behaves in a self-seeking way that reinforces their ability to receive and meet their partners’ needs.  The couple bonds in this way.

This type of relationship does not require moral, physical or monetary obligations to tie it together so as to make it work.

Couples, who learn this subtle shift in difference in the way they see their partner early on in their relationship, are often on their way to realizing greater levels of fulfilment between them.  Making relationships work becomes ‘cheap’.

As the man and the woman enjoy the first of these levels of emotional intimacy between them, they become ready to move on to the next steps in the bonding process.

This is the capacity of the man to understand the woman by listening to the views she expresses from her side of the world.

For the woman, this also means her ability to accept the man for who he is rather than who she wants to be.

Whenever a man changes his ways, be they his views or his actions, it would be on his own terms.  This is not an act of defiance.  It is what defines a man and separates him from the feelings of being a boy or a child.

It is important for a man that he sees his woman accepts him for who he is and not who he needs to be for her.  The more the man feels he is allowed to change on his terms, and sees the woman trusts him to change on his own accord, the more he feels that his woman meets his need to accept him.

So rather, than say, “Why don’t you take the trashcan out?  It is your trash too!” she instead requests of him to “Would you take the trash out?  It would really make a difference to how the house would feel.”  And when he does take the trash out, she then makes a big deal of his action.  Whenever a man does something for his woman, he assumes there is a risk involved as he is not sure if his actions would be wholly accepted by his woman.

When he sees that she accepts whatever he has given to her, it makes him happy.  This happiness is key to him becoming open to requests on her part in the future for things she would like to see happen for herself.

And this is now his capacity to listen to and understand his woman.

It is not an uncommon remark by men amongst men how “women do not stop talking”.  It is really not all that difficult to see this at checkout counters or at restaurants or at government service counters to see service delivery is delayed, because the women staffs are choosing to chat up to a point that it becomes incessant for each other.  It is now placing a dent on the economy.

Women fulfil that need for each other quite easily.  They are programmed to know how to ‘listen to another woman that fulfils this need for her.  Men however are not programmed to listen for the sake of listening.  He is designed to listen so as to take an action.  He is Mr Fix It.  So how would a woman “programme” her man, so that he becomes ready to offer the listening ear she needs to feel she has been understood by her man?

Think about it and we will explore it here in our next column and the impact of meeting these emotional needs on each other as well as for the economy.  We will explore this and more of the remaining twelve kinds of love then.

How true have these experiences been for you?  As a man?  And as a woman?  How would you tell these distinctions exist for each other?  Happy discussing these with your spouse or your girlfriend and discovering from each other!

Ms Sheila Damodaran works as a Systemic Strategy Development consultant currently developing her practice with national planning commissions in southern Africa.  She welcomes comments and queries for her programmes at https://www.facebook.com/SystemicThinkingColumnist or call DID: 3931518.

 

Newspaper Column Article #18: The Viralness of HIV/AIDs – Part V: His emotional needs. Her emotional needs.

As it appeared in the Botswana Sunday Standard on June 9, 2013, Systemic Thinking Column

In the previous segment of this column, we concluded it was not as easy for someone to be sexually fidel till one learns to build and enjoy “emotional fidelity” with one’s partner.

It can be easy to miss this point.

Yet it becomes significant when we explore the link between the state of emotional fidelity between couples and the state of HIV/AIDS prevalence as a nation.

How are they inter-related, you ask?

It can be difficult to imagine that something that exists at a personal level can have an impact on a national level.  Yet, when we see the phenomena happen across families, communities, districts to the region, it is not difficult to see that they can and do have a significant and growing influence on the level of the epidemic as a nation.

Our medical caregivers then give their all to fight it for the nation.  It is really admirable how they do so, even when we know we have not made it easy for them.

Last week, we explored that developing emotional fidelity is the exclusive work of the couple.  No one can do that for them.  The parents and the community around a couple may encourage marriage and the ability to stay in one.  But, not much more.  And certainly not foster emotional fidelity.

This aspect therefore, is now beyond “the control” of SADC, or as the national planning commissions or the government or the Ministry of Health, the caregivers, or even as an NGO.  We control what we can.  But till we as couples learn to reach this, leaving the work of beating the epidemic to an outside organization, will not assure us of success in this issue as a nation!

Yet, what is emotional fidelity and what influences it?

We saw that this state begins when the couple works at meeting and fulfilling the emotional needs of one’s partner.

And then we discovered that the emotional needs of one’s partner (of the opposite gender) are typically different from that of one’s own.

For example, when a man sees his woman trust him, it meets an emotional need for the male partner.  And seeing the man give care to his woman meets an emotional need for the female partner.

Both genders need both emotions.  Just not to the same extent.  To feel fulfilled as their gender in the relationship each as a unique emotional need.

When a woman meets and fulfils a man’s need to see his woman trusts him, it allows him to feel more so like a man.  Even when we think, he is not worthy of the trust, the more the man sees the woman learns to see ‘the good side’ of him and trusts him, the more he moves to a state of feeling fulfilled.  This stage is important for his feelings of masculinity to grow for him which in turn fosters a need within him to provide, protect and care for his woman.

While a man can trust his woman, it matters even more so to her, when she sees he cares for her.  The more he cares for his woman; it allows her to feel true to her gender as a woman.  And the more that allows her to grow feminine feelings as a woman; it allows her to grow and give trust to her man.

Wait!

Did we see a cycle of causality that exists between the two genders, in meeting their respective emotional needs?

The more that a man cares for his woman, the more she trusts him!

Period.  This is where the trick lies in bringing a couple together.  It is growing the cycle of meeting their respective but different emotional needs.

The bottom-line is they are not meant to be self-fulfilling nor meant to fulfil in ways that one thinks it should be for the partner from one’s point of view.  But from the view of one’s partner.  No other relationship quite teaches us to learn this point.

We often say relationships are not straightforward.  That statement is truer than we believe.

It is not meant to be.  Otherwise separation and divorces become the only ways out back to our straightforward lives.

The relationships between couples are meant to be cyclical.

The more the woman trusts her man, the more he cares for her.  The more the man cares for his woman, the more she trusts him.

Couples, who learn this subtle shift in difference in their relationship in the way they relate to their partner, often realize greater levels of fulfilment between them.

I then left you with two further questions.

How would we know that these indeed are the respective needs of the two genders?  And who should start first?

Notice when a man or a woman is in a heated discussion with each other, what would the man or woman typically say to the other?  Would the man usually say “just trust me” or would he say, “you do not care for me!”?  Whose voice do you typically hear say these words?  What did you hear in your own relationship?

It is more common for us to hear a woman say, “you do not care for me”, while a man often asks of the woman ‘to just trust him’.  We do leave clues in our relationships about our needs for our partners.  We just need to find them.  When a woman tries to reach her man, it is not because she does not trust him by as much as for her to feel the experience of his assurance of care for her.  This is not a formula.  It is a natural emotional need that exists separately for the two genders.

Who should start first?  Do I wait for my partner to fulfil my emotional needs first before I try to meet his?  Of course, that becomes self-defeating since, by doing so, we have already come from a place of the self rather than for the other.

However, this depends on the extent such needs have been met for the individual from their past relationships.  The less it has been met, the more it becomes important for the partner to meet those needs for his or her partner first.

For example, the first man a woman learned to trust was her father.  However, if she did not enjoy a trusting relationship with her father, it now becomes important that her boyfriend or husband learns to fulfil and meet that need for his woman before he may expect her to learn to trust him.  In time, she will.  One would have to learn to be patient till one reaches that stage.

And then there are five other types of emotional needs that are different for men and women.  Have you found out what they are?

Here, I will leave you with two more each for each gender and they will become the subject of the column’s discussion for next week while you continue to figure what the other remaining three emotional needs are for the respective genders (there are twelve types of love or emotional needs in total …. no one said it was going to be that easy, did they?).

How true are they for you?  How would you tell these distinctions?

Happy discussing these with your spouse and discovering these needs from each other!

Ms Sheila Damodaran works as a Systemic Strategy Development consultant currently developing her practice with national planning commissions in southern Africa.  She welcomes comments and queries for her programmes at https://www.facebook.com/SystemicThinkingColumnist or call DID: 3931518.

 

Newspaper Column #17: The Viralness of HIV/AIDs – Part IV: What Causes Emotional Fidelity?

As it appeared in the Botswana Sunday Standard on June 2, 2013

“A relationship does not need the “baggage” we bring to it from our respective pasts.  Yet it serves to remind us
they are there, if we are still carrying them.  Leverage the relationship to work at unloading our baggage together.
The act of doing so clears misunderstandings and brings the two even closer.  Every time.
Conflicts in a relationship are not bad.  90% of the time they are the result of reasons from our pasts.”

In last week’s segment of this column, we concluded it was not as easy for one to enjoy sexual fidelity for oneself till one learns to enjoy “emotional fidelity” with one’s partner.  It is easy to miss this point in the “heat of the moments” but it is hard to ignore this inter-relationship over time.

When emotional fidelity or intimacy is missing between couples, it brings all relationships to an eventual standstill.  It’s usually not just sexual infidelity that causes relationships to crack up.  That’s just the tip of the iceberg.

What is emotional fidelity or intimacy and what does it look like?  What allows a couple to grow it between the two?  Does it happen by accident or is it open to nurturing?  Or does it happen because it is propped up by obligations as a result of the physical relationships that exist between and around them?

Emotional fidelity happens for its own sake and requires effort exclusively on the part of the couple.  Nobody (a child, parents, or wealth) can help do that step for them.  Fortunately or unfortunately.

When I do arrive at this stage of my sessions with participants in understanding the interrelationships between fidelity and prevalence of HIV/AIDS, and I present the question, “What is emotional fidelity or itimacy?”, I get the following responses, each time, without fail:

  1. Trust (that I expect my partner trusts me, or I should be able to trust him)
  2. Care (that my partner cares for me)
  3. Loyalty (that my partner is loyal to me)
  4. Compassion (that my partner shows compassion to me)
  5. Sexual pleasures (that my partner allows me to reach that pleasure for me)
  6. Passion, lust (that I must enjoy these)
  7. Respect (that my partner should respect me)
  8. Love (that my partner should love me)  … we should love each other, but that I’d love him when he shows his love me.
  9. Listens (that my partner listens to me)
  10. …. And so on, more or less in that order.

Interestingly, while the list appears seemingly innocent, take a closer look at it when we include the words that appear in parenthesis.  These are usually not voiced in the first instances.  What do you notice?

We had hoped these emotions would happen for oneself rather than for our partner.  So it would be not be a case by as much of compassion that I present to my partner as much as compassion that I expect my partner shows me.  It is not by as much the respect I accord to my partner, by as much as what I expect my partner to accord to me.  If they do it for me, then I shall do it for them.  Then it becomes mutual.  Otherwise. No!

Yet, relationships thrive, when the attention is on meeting the emotional needs of my partner rather than of myself (and, don’t read this part alone aloud to your partner! (smile).  Read the whole article together, if that is possible).

What are the emotional needs of my partner?  Would they be the same as mine?

Let me present two words here.  “Care” and “Trust”.  Both words describe emotions.  But which word describes best an emotion that when that need is met for her, helps her feel even more so like a woman.  And a man a man.  Both emotions are needed, but which one stands apart for each gender?

Would that emotion be care or trust for a woman?  Most can agree and men are quite clear of it each time, that a woman feels most like a woman is when she sees “her man cares for her”.  Yes, mothers ‘take care of their sons and daughters’.  But when the daughter grows up and she has her own children, and may take “care of her son”, she is happiest when she receives care from her husband or boyfriend.

And a man feels at his best, when he sees that his woman “trusts him”.  Sometimes, as women we do to others what we expect them to do for us.  And so, she may end up ‘taking care of him’, thinking should the more she ‘cares for him’ that more he would ‘take care of her’.

But a man does not need care from his woman.  Otherwise he sees his mother in his woman.  He needs our trust which would allow him to grow and feel more so like a man.  The less he enjoys the trust from his woman, the less he learns to feel like a man.  And therefore “stays as a ‘boy’ to be taken care of”.  This stunts his emotional development as a man.

How can we be sure these are indeed what best describes the emotional needs of the respective genders?  How do we tell?  Think what we notice happen in our own relationships?

Also men and women keep different scoring systems.  When a man does an act of ‘giving’ to his woman, the score he accords for his act depends on the size of the gift.  If say the man takes his woman for a vacation, in his books he has scored a lot of points.

But the woman keeps a different scoring system.  Be it the gift is big or small, she accords one point.  So, if the man brings her 24 roses or 1 rose, to her she accords 1 point for that act of giving he made to her.

So here’s the trick.  Instead of giving her 24 roses (and his book he records 24 points) at one time, bring her one rose but do it 24 times over a period of time.  That will be 24 points in her book.  What does this mean?  What is more important to her is not the size of the gift but rather the consistency in the act of giving.

She could sometimes come across as being ‘expensive’ but all she is trying to do is ‘to make up for the acts of giving that were not done in the past.  Hard as it seems, women can be easy.  We would need to understand the other genders’ emotional needs first for a more cordial relationship.

The physical needs of the two genders may be similar.   We all need warmth, food and shelter.  But when we attempt to cross the relationship into the emotional realm, and attempt to meet the emotional needs of the opposite gender, we meet in the differences, and not in the similarities.

So it is easy to get away by saying “he is not my type” or “she is not my type”.  It is actually truer than we believe it to be.

 “Women mistakenly expect men to react and behave the
way women do, while men continue to misunderstand
what women really need.”
  Dr Gray
– Author of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”

So who would need to start meeting the needs of the other gender first?  Would it be that the woman shows trust in her man first, before he begins to accord care to her.  Or would it be vice-versa?

And then there are five other types of emotional needs that are different for men and women.  What do you think they are?

What do you see is the impact of couples who are able to meet and build emotional intimacy with each other on the prevalence of HIV/AIDS in the country?  What would prevent them from building such levels of intimacies?

These will be the subject of the column’s discussion for next week.  Happy discussing and discovering with your family and friends!

Ms Sheila Damodaran works as a systemic strategy development consultant currently developing her practice with national planning commissions in southern Africa.  She welcomes comments and queries for her programmes at https://www.facebook.com/SystemicThinkingColumnist or call DID: 3931518.

Newspaper Column #16: The Viralness of HIV/AIDs – Part III: What causes fidelity? Not infidelity.

As it appeared in the Botswana Sunday Standard on May 26, 2013

Nevertheless, a question that has crossed millions of minds and tons of conversations around the globe.  In sports clubs, in tea-gardens, at pubs, at market places and at bus-stations.  Between girlfriends and among boys and men.  Regardless of gender.

And we have thrashed this question in and out on various media at various stages of our lives.  As teenagers, as young adults, as married persons, as elders, even as institutions.  Sometimes, we would choose not to go there, because, we believe that it is either too difficult to get there or evokes difficult emotions or we see things that are difficult “to change” when we do get there.  Regardless of our professions.

And when we think we have got it, despite past experiences, it escapes us.  Once again.  Regardless of age.

But to be honest with each other, we really do not ask what causes fidelity!

We typically focus on why infidelity happens (happened to us).  Not fidelity.

We get what we want.  Knowing what we do not want, does not help us learn to build what we want or yearn for.

We may be ready to ‘tackle the consequences’ but as long as we keep creating the causes, we will have to continue to tackle the consequences.

This question, what causes fidelity, began to be important to us last week.  This was, when after exploring and uncovering what causes the prevalence of HIV/AIDS to rise, we recognised that fidelity inspite of non-abstinence or of not applying condoms; it had a sure-fire (guaranteed) way of bringing prevalence figures down.

I shared a discussion I would usually have in my workshop programmes when we tackle this topic, that, “Should two individuals, both HIV positive stay sexually fidel to each other, would that lead to increased levels of transmission of the HIV virus to individuals outside of the couple’s relationship.  That is, in spite of unsafe sexual practices with each other?

And the answer would be quite simply …. No!

For all.  Regardless of age, professsion or gender.  Immediately!  Except for the pair, there would be zero transmissions beyond them.  Something, a lot of nations and individuals easily aspires to and wishes it could happen for them but thinks it is difficult to reach.  Yet, it really isn’t that difficult to figure this one out.

This work is relentless in wanting to understand what influences such actions.  It is easier to dismiss it off and ‘say we require a change in behaviours’.  But if it stays on easier to say it than to do it, then we have not yet put a finger on to it to understand what would make a sufficient difference.  It was too simple!  Which is why we are led back in (to the problem).

I also shared that from a systemic perspective, the causality of HIV/AIDs as a phenomenon will be no different from that of one country to another!  Be it that the phenomenon is happening in India or Europe or China or here in Botswana, South Africa or Russia or the Americas.  Despite races or nationalities.

Why did I say that?

These circles of causality occur naturally and they prevail despite what we as individuals may appear to look like ‘on the outside’.  The ways we think and emote within, despite the boundaries we draw across the globe are not that very different.  Be it the hatred or joys we see as happening in China or Zimbabwe or Venezeula or the Artic or even between individuals as partners may manifest outwardly as looking differently.  But the emotions, and therefore the thinking and the behaviours stay true to the same.

The circles of causality are a presentation of how these aspects (namely emotions, behaviours and actions) interrelate within us and across each other.  Once these reinforce or feed themselves, or as we say locks themselves in, be they positively or negatively, the reasons or causes that appear in the cycle stay the same.

This takes us beyond the unequivocal blame we square on the ubiquitous influence of ‘truck drivers’.  And yet, ‘this’ could be anyone.  Some-ones from “outside but who was driving through” or we might say, being sexually indiscriminate or infidel with each other.

Yet, when it happen, it does not happen without a reason.  It is whether we see it (the reason) or we don’t.  When we do understand the reason, it now becomes easier for change to happen.  Hard as it may be, to accept the reason.

And so, the question is, “what causes sexual fidelity”? What encourages its growth?  What discourages it?  Where does that begin?

Couples anywhere, enjoy a type of intimacy that does not quite match up in the same way in relationships as we have with someone outside it or when we keep more than one intimate relation.  It is the only relationship that enjoys the following characteristics:

  1. The relationship is ‘not given’.  It needs to be learnt.  My relationship with my brother is given.  But my relationship with my husband is not given.  I did not “grow up” with him.  It has to be learnt.  I invest effort to learn about him;
  2. It enjoys an intimacy that goes beyond physical relations as we could with our parents and siblings, and especially beyond the obvious sexual one.  It is the only relationship that enjoys intimacy with another human being that spans, sexual intimacy to emotional (learning of our respective pasts) to mental (ways of our thoughts) to spiritual (that is not religious).  All of them with the same person at the same time.  Sometimes, the experience is referred to as being almost celestial or heavenly.  Sexual experiences become more enjoyable then.  Couples who do not ‘graduate beyond’ sexual activities rarely reach such a stage or enjoy it.  It takes time;
  3. It is the only relationship that helps us learn to open our ways of thinking to include that of another.  Family relations reinforce current or familiar ways of thinking within the box.  Intimate relations are the only relationship of its kind that helps us learn to ‘step out of our boxes’.  No other relationship can help us do that.  The more we do so, the more we learn to do that with relations outside of the family.  This becomes key to organizational and economic and international growths;
  4. It is the only relationship that helps preserve and grow our feminine and masculine emotional qualities to their ultimate peaks.  The woman feels (and not just looks) most like a woman and the man as a man.
  5. It is a relationship that starts small and grows over time, over a lifetime.  For the reasons above.  Not because our wealth has become inextricably tied up.

What allows a couple to reach such stages that goes beyond sexual fidelity to emotional fidelity?  What does emotional fidelity look like?

Sometimes we say, it is not easy for couples to enjoy sexual fidelity till they learn to enjoy emotional intimacy together.  Without emotional fidelity, do not expect sexual fidelity to happen that easily!  It does not.

So does emotional fidelity happen by accident or can it be learnt?

This will be the subject of the column’s discussion for next week.  Happy discussing and discovering!

Ms Sheila Damodaran works as a systemic strategy development consultant currently developing her practice with national planning commissions in southern Africa.  She welcomes comments and queries for her programmes at https://www.facebook.com/SystemicThinkingColumnist or call DID: 3931518.

Newspaper Column #15: The Viralness of HIV/AIDs – Part II: The Difference Between Working Hard and Working Smart.

As it appeared in the Sunday Standard, Botswana May 19, 2013, edition.

From a systemic perspective, the causality of HIV/AIDs as a phenomenon will be no different from that of one country to another!  Be it that it is happening in India or Europe or China or here in Botswana, South Africa or Namibia.  Despite races or nationalities or professions.

The circle of causality reinforces or feeds itself, negatively, perhaps at different rates (some slower, others faster), but the reasons or causes that appear in the cycle will be the same.

The reason for transmission of the virus however, for an individual may differ from one person to another.  That’s from the perspective of a medical doctor.  That’s what he sees.  But the systemic causality of the phenomenon will be the same across all them.

Systemic thinking is not interested in the former.  It’s focus and attention is on the latter.

And what would you say this means from a systemic perspective for nations that show low levels of the epidemic numbers?  This would mean that the circle of causality is reinforcing positively rather than negatively or we say virtuously in their instances.  It is the same cycle, just reinforcing positively.

Each time the circle of causality reinforces or as we say the causes feed themselves as a cycle, the community or the country experiences increasingly negligent levels of infections despite the levels other nations may be experiencing around the globe.  And most importantly, they achieve those results with little or no effort (and certainly no resources) on their part.

Whether it is good news or bad news, the cycle of causality will be the same.

This series of articles that we have just begun here, seeks to uncover what is the circle of causality in the case of HIV/AIDs as a systemic or national phenomenon.

Please note however, the doctor, needs to continue to treat or advice the patient, nevertheless.  However, treating a patient will not treat (or reverse the effects of this phenomenon) as a nation.  The cycle will continue to run its course until we treat the cycle with a systemic solution.

That’s not a medical perspective.  It requires the perspective of the nation.  The latter cannot absolve itself from being a part of the solution here.

In last week’s article, we explored and uncovered the following:

Prevalence Levels ß New Infections (identified or otherwise) Levels ßLevels of Transmissions ß ?

And then I left you with the question,” what causes the levels of transmissions to go up?”  Notice again, I did not ask, what caused a transmission.  Instead, the question seeks to understand what causes its relentless upward trend.

And then I clarified the question further by asking which one of the above did you (and your circle of family and friends) think was the MAIN REASON? … the 20% that contributes 80% of the causes!

And I offered five options:  Was it unsafe sexual practices?  Would it be mother-to-child transmissions?  Would it be unsafe use of tainted needles?  Or is it accidents and wounds?  Or was there another reason?

I have posed this question each time with various groups for possibly over thousands of participants.  And there is resounded one unequivocal answer.  I am sure you have guessed it too!

Most, quite easily vouch that the answer is, sexual intercourse.  And should we take you the readers of this newspaper and continue to make that count, we are quite sure that we will arrive at the same answer.

Now, to see that ‘sexual intercourse’ as the “main river” that adds to the “ocean of HIV/AIDs prevalence”, was important.  Here’s why.

When I do this activity with a group of medical practitioners who are tasked to advance the prevention of transmission of the disease from mother to child, it begins to dawn on them that while they work hard at preventing the transmission of the virus to the child from its mother, yet that child when it grows up, it did not have a way to control the transmission of the virus to itself through its own sexual practices.  The child (and that is all of us) has not learned to save itself from the virus.  It just happens.  Sometimes, before we reach our teens!  This clarity floors these organizations every time.

What is the implication of understanding this on resources and effort?  It literally means money down the drain for them.

Why do we do that?

While it was a necessary correction, it was still an easier and costlier route. We would choose this way, because, trying to curb transmission through sexual practices, was a more difficult process, and in our minds, and almost impossible task.

Yes, it is impossible.  That is, if we see all solutions as about controls and monitoring others.

When we are faced with such a systemic situation, it requires learning to work with levers that lead to individuals taking actions for themselves.  This way of thinking is perhaps new for us.

In short, it means, we need to learn how the individual would make those decisions.  Whatever, the reason that leads one to take a decision, when the reason is “not there” it would lead one to decide to take a different course of action.  For oneself!

It is more difficult process to get there.  No doubt.

Unfortunately, however, it is the reality.

When we face that reality, we also learn to face solutions that work.  And when, we get there, it becomes very simple.

So shall we carry on uncovering the reason in the cycle?

So, the next question is what causes transmissions by sexual practices to go up?

Let me frame this differently.  In my workshops, I would typically ask a question, “Should two individuals, both HIV positive stay sexually fidel to each other, would that lead to increased levels of transmissions to individuals outside of the couple’s relationship.  That is, in spite of unsafe sexual practices with each other?

And the answer would be quite simply …. No!  Yes, you are right!

Except for the pair, there would be zero transmissions beyond them.  Something, a lot of nations easily aspires for it to happen but thinks it is difficult to reach.  Yet, it really isn’t that difficult to figure this one out.

Taking this reasoning beyond the obvious reason, lies in asking the question, what causes or encourages the behaviour of discriminate sexual relation by a couple with each other?

Perhaps you may ask, what is that?  It would be the act of engaging in sexual relationship with one person that lasts beyond evenings to a lifetime of days.  Hard as it may sound, we would otherwise refer to as fidelity.

So the next question is, “what causes sexual fidelity”?  Would it need controls?  What encourages its growth?  What discourages it?

We all seem to know what causes infidelity.

But what causes fidelity?  Where does that begin?  What do you think?  What does your wife (or girlfriend) think?

This will be the subject of the column’s discussion for next week.  Happy discovering!

Does it really matter that we know all of the causes of the viralness or we need to figure the  ONE?  Yes, it matters that we figure the “main river”.

It makes all the difference between working hard and working smart.

Ms Sheila Damodaran works as a systemic strategy development consultant currently developing her practice with national planning commissions in southern Africa.  She welcomes comments and queries for her articles and programmes at https://www.facebook.com/SystemicThinkingColumnist or call DID: 3931518.

Newspaper Column #14: The Viralness of HIV/AIDs – Part I: How Does Viralness Grow?

English: Geographic distribution of Hepatitis ...

Red blood cells on an agar plate are used to d...

As it appeared on The Sunday Standard May 12, 2013 edition.

It has been a while.  As the articles grew, we took the time to consider an appropriate site for the column.  That search is on-going.  However, for now, the column and I is here and we are glad we are back with you!

The column showcases a work that leads by learning to understand persistent issues of systemic or national concern and develop strategies to mitigate them.  These strategies are typically not run-of-the-mill solutions because had they worked in the past, we would not be facing these issues today globally.  When a problem is ‘solved’, it will work not to come back.  Period.

And when it does come back, it is a sign we have yet to understand what’s causing the problem.  It is an indication that the search is not over as yet.

We will use this thought to begin to understand the viral nature of HIV/AIDs that has caused epidemic proportions in its behaviour and consequences around the globe.

How did it grow the way it had done so far?   Both with and without our control?  What is the ‘gaspipe, outside of the medical domain’ that keeps bringing more of these cases back on into the health sector?  And why does it continue to resist our efforts to control it despite works by multi-sectoral efforts.  It seems to behave, almost ubiquitously as in “till deaths, do us part”?

The story today has gone way beyond sex workers or truck drivers, because infections happen regardless.  Had such “acts” not persisted beyond these two sectors, the mere non-action would slow down or even stop the infection in its track.  However, we know this is not the case.  Infections have now gone from beyond one area and one country, to countries across lands and inspite oceans.  It has transcended boundaries, including age, gender, professions, and so on.

Interestingly, this story now also holds keys to learning to grow any kind of phenomenon.  Even how as nations we may learn to grow our economies and businesses.  Why do I say that?  Read on.

While the unintended consequences of HIV/AIDs are not desirable, it is nevertheless exhibiting the nature of growth behaviour ‘at its best’.  Think viruses that started off as one, in very small numbers, and yet today the number has grown to billions in the millions of us.  It has grown to an extent that the question today is no longer, ‘when would we turn the tide around’ but rather ‘can we turn the tide’?  It is no longer a trickle, a brook or a river.  It is turning into an ocean.

And we have tried turning it around by all means possible.  Genuinely.  For decades.

We have poured and continue to do so billions of dollars around the globe to ‘fight the war’ of HIV.  And that trend has grown relentlessly year on year as organizations around the world jump on the bandwagon to save the numbers of lives increasingly affected by it.

Tongue-in-cheek, it even feels the more money we pour in to fight it, the more we seem to be sucked in by it both as those who are infected and those who need to react to the infected either as medical and research personnel, medical service providers or fund coordinators and not forgetting the rest who are caregivers in the family.

These are the hands and feet that would otherwise have worked hard at growing the country’s economic productivity and sit on the revenue side of the equation of an economy.

Today, rather these resources sit on the side of the cost equation.  And this adds up to the cost (hidden and worse blind ones) sometimes more than just of the investments we make.  They would need to be added in.

Yet the prevalence (of old + new infections) is not abating downwards at the rate investments are scaling — upwards.  The catching up game does not appear to stop.

Is it a stubborn problem?  Yes, it is!  Is there a vicious cycle causing the persistence?  You bet there is!

If the problem has not turned around consistent with the effort we have applied to it, then it is an indication that we have not quite understood what is causing its vicious nature.  Understanding this causality is the first step to solving the problem.

We know that when a virus transmits from one individual to another, it can cause an (new) infection.

That’s a medical side of the story of the disease.  In systemic thinking, however, we want to understand what is causing the recurrence of the transmission that is pushing prevalence upwards, despite differences in time, location and people?  And inspite of different programmes, initiatives and endeavours.

We also want to know the consequences of such prevalence rates and importantly to understand ways they (re-)feed(-back) or reinforce the cycle.  These questions are keys to developing strategies that help turn stubborn issues around.  For good.

Yes, we know it is sex (-ual) transmission.  Yet, not all sexual activities lead to a transmission of the virus.  Yes?  (More later.  Food for thought for now.)

So we have for now explored the topic around a few issues, let’s begin to answer the question.  What causes the relentless persistence of  HIV/AIDs as a phenomena that feeds (grows) the prevalence figures of nations?

So, let’s start with the question, what causes the prevalence to go up?

The first answer I usually get, hands down, is “sex”!  Well, it’s true.  We will get there but let’s stay with the question.  Prevalence is caused by new infections.  When numbers of new infections go up, prevalence goes up.  When infections go down, prevalence goes down too.

The next question is, ‘what causes infections to go up’?  Again, I get the response, well, the answer is obvious!  “Sex”!  Smile.  It’s true.  But as I would say, stay with the question.  Infections are caused by transmission.  If there are no transmissions, there are no new infections.  But when numbers of instances of transmissions go up, so does infection.

The next question?  You know it, now.  What causes transmissions to go up?  Notice, I did not ask, what caused a transmission.  Well, stepping back, we might say, well there are many ways these may happen.  It can be sexual behaviour (such as unsafe sexual practices), mother-to-child transmissions, unsafe use of tainted needles, accidents and wounds, and there could be more.

Here’s a tip.

In a stubborn or a recurring problem, we do not include all of them as causalities.  And here’s why.

By the time, circle of causality becomes vicious 0r recurring, one of these factors have become the reason for its persistence.  It is that ‘main river’ that brings the cycle back and reinforces itself continuing to push the upward tide with each cycle of causality.  We say it is now exists as a self-seeking (helps itself) cycle of growth.  It is not a cause with multiple factors.

So which one of the above do you think is the MAIN REASON? … the 20% that contributes 80% of the causes!

I am sure you know which one it is.  Still, do feel free to check out the question with your family and friends.   What do they think?

Would it be unsafe sexual practices?  Would it be mother-to-child transmissions?  Would it be unsafe use with tainted needles?  Or is it accidents and wounds?  Or is there another reason?

This will be the subject of the column’s discussion for next week.  Happy discovering!

Ms Sheila Damodaran works as a national strategy development consultant currently focussed on working with national planning commissions in southern Africa.  She welcomes comments and queries for her programmes at DID: 3931518 or at sheila@loatwork.com.

National Article 19: What causes fidelity?

We know what causes infidelity?

But what causes fidelity?  Whatever that causes fidelity, when it is not there, causes infidelity!

So, what causes fidelity?

A couple goes through different stages or types of intimacy during their times together and experience one or more stages in their lifetime.  To the extent the couple moves through the different stages would depend on the time and attention they place on their relationship.  These include with no specific order or preference i.e. being:

  • Sexually intimate with each other (be it where the couple experiences sexual intimacy either regularly, or on an ad-hoc basis)
  • Physically intimate (where the couple moves to live in the same space together)
  • Emotionally intimate (where the couple enjoys a relationship where each helps the other meet their needs emotionally; here the couple has learned to understand each others’ pasts as well as learnt to share and value unique moments together such as dinners, holidays, family events, and so on.)
  • Mentally intimate (where the couple has learned to see the view of the partner not from one’s own perspective but that of the partner’s and in doing so learns to bring their minds together so that they may plan their lives together from the past, present and into the future and not meet their future as contingent (“let’s cross the bridge when we get there”. i.e, there is child born to them and so they need to meet its living and educational expenses, and so on)
  • Spiritually intimate (where each regard the other as their soul-mate and enjoy a celestial or soul mate experience together)

Where do you think sexual fidelity begins to happen for the couple?  Would it be at sexual intimacy or at physical intimacy or when the couple has learned to experience emotional intimacy?

What does sexual fidelity look like?  It includes among other things, a willingness by each person in the relationship to regard his or her partner as:

  • The only sexual partner for life;
  • Where the relationship is not given (as in blood relations), but the couple has chosen to learn to want to be together;
  • The relationship has grown beyond physical intimacy to include (or aspires to include) all or other forms of intimacy between the two and not limited to one or two out of the five;
  • The couple is in the relationship because they ‘want to’ and not because they ‘had to’ (it is an obligation or transaction or choices made by parents or forced to) be in it;
  • The couple regards each’s relationship with the other emotionally (as opposed to physically, materially, mentally) as equals and not assumes either as superior (head of the household) or inferior (submissive) to the other.

Did you say, the above (particularly sexual fidelity) happens when the couple learns to build emotional intimacy?  Yes, you are right!  We know couple who have reached the first two stages in the relationship and have even chosen to marry each other, yet, do not necessarily enjoy sexual fidelity with each other.

So how does emotional intimacy happen?  Does it happen magically or it requires hard work on both sides?  How would they need to work with each other so that they meet the other’s needs emotionally?

The following is something I have found useful as a I work with Dr Gray’s work.  It helps appreciate the level of intimacy that may happen for a couple.

  • What do you notice happening between the two (notice the threads in red)?
  • Does it happen one way or would it need to happen two-ways?
  • Are the needs of the two genders the same?
  • So who starts first?
  • Do these steps happen overnight or do they take time?
  • Do they happen by accident or it helps that both sides of the couple first really appreciate what really ticks the other in (or off)?
  • How would such learning happen?  It is easier if one sees one’s parents do it?  However, should that not be the case, what are the implications for society, the couple and the future?  What could happen differently?
NEEDS OF THE TWO GENDERS AND THE ORDER THESE NEEDS GROW  / REINFORCE OVER TIME TO CREATE SUSTAINABLE RELATIONSHIPS IN A COUPLE: BY DR JOHN GRAY, AUTHOR OF “MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS”

She Needs He Needs
CaringWhen he shows interest in a woman’s feelings and heartfelt concern for her well-being, she begins to trust him more TrustWhen she believes in her man’s abilities and intentions that he is doing his best and that he wants the best for his partner, he is more caring and attentive to her feelings and needs
UnderstandingWhen he listens without judgment but with empathy, the easier it is for her to give her man the acceptance he needs AcceptanceWhen she receives a man without trying to change him, he listens and gives her the understanding she needs
RespectWhen he acknowledges her rights, wishes, and needs, she feels respected.  It is easier for her to give her man the appreciation he deserves AppreciationWhen she acknowledges having received personal benefit and value from a man’s effort and behaviour, he feels appreciated.  He knows his effort is not wasted and is thus encouraged to give more and he respects his partner more.
DevotionWhen he gives priority to a woman’s needs and proudly commits himself to supporting and fulfilling her, the woman thrives and feels adored.  When she feels number one in his life, she admires him. Admiration– When she admires him with wonder, delight and pleased approval, he feels secure enough to devote himself to his woman and adore her.
ValidationWhen he does not object to a woman’s feelings and instead accepts their validity, she truly feels loved and gives the approval the man needs. ApprovalWhen she sees her man as her knight in shining armour and recognizes the good reasons what he does, she signals that he has passed her tests and this becomes easier for him to confirm her feelings.
ReassuranceWhen he repeatedly shows that he cares and devotes himself to his partner (the woman should come to expect sexual fidelity and that the man provides and protects her exclusively), tells a woman that she is continually loved.  He must remember to reassure her again and again.  This moves her to encourage him to be a man bigger than himself. Encouragement– A man primarily needs to be encouraged, understood and if need to see the woman sympathize and he sees her stands by him.  Her encouraging attitude gives hope and courage to a man by expressing confidence in his abilities and character.  When her attitude expresses trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration and approval, it encourages a man to be all that he can be.  This motivates him to give her the loving reassurance she needs.

National Article 18: What would it take to ‘cure’ HIV?

Should we pay attention to:

  1. Curing the disease when it is already transmitted (attack the problem that we can see)? or
  2. Preventing the disease from being transmitted (defend ourselves from the problem?) or
  3. ‘Cure’ ‘the reason that causes the disease to be transmitted (what causes the problem)?

Let’s take this situation.  Suppose there is a couple, both of whom are HIV positive and both are sexually fidel to each other.  Given so, would the two increase the prevalence of the disease ‘out there’ in society?   No, you say?  You are right!

So when does the disease increase its prevalence?

It (only) happens when one or both partners choose the act of infidelity with each other.  Should partners choose fidelity with each other, transmission of the disease is likely to plunge immediately across society.  And plunge faster than any interventions by government or organizations will make it possible.

And it is (way) cheaper.  There is the price we pay for not dealing with the causality.  And the price tag is US$27 billion! and that is just by one country – USA. That is money that could have been somebody’s salary increase. However, I suppose when we do not figure these out, we probably do not deserve those salary increases!  Otherwise, it can easily be there for our takings.

Now, this was interesting for the Department of HIV/AIDs because a big part of its efforts and budgets placed to curb the epidemic was to ‘prevent the disease being transmitted between mother to child’.  However when they recognized that 80% or so transmissions are because of indiscretions by couples in their sexual behaviour (and the primary causality of the disease), they began to realize that whilst they worked hard to stop the disease being transmitted from mother to child and hospitals therefore saved the child from its mother but when the child grows up, and becomes an adult, it is possible that the child may not be able to save from itself should it engage in sexually indiscriminate practices itself!  The money it had used to save the child, ‘literally was now become money that it had poured down the drain’!

But it is harder to ‘work on the fidelity between the couple’ in the bedroom.  It is easier to manage the transmission at the hospital between the mother and the child.  So we ignore it, choosing easier ways out such as resorting to dispensing condoms, or encouraging practices of circumcision among men or extolling the vices of maintaining sexual networks or encourage total abstinence.  They work somewhat, but not realistically enough to make sure the country will meet its target of zero infection rates.  Yet, we are not talking as yet for us to learn what it takes for couples to learn to want to be together and afterwards it learns to also exercise sexual fidelity between each other.  Till we get there, can we expect to solve this problem?  No.  You can deal a blow, but not solve it.

So, what causes sexual fidelity?  Or have you too given up that the idea is possible?

Notice most sexual indiscretions happen away from the glare of the ‘day’ and under the cover of the night and in spots that are deliberately designed to keep ‘the authorities out’ (see pages 3-5) and apparent ‘disorder in’?  What are we hiding from?  Who are we running from and then afterwards who are we running into?  There lies the answer to our questions on fidelity!

So what would lead a couple to become fidel with each other?

English: Diagram showing relative global AIDS ...

Image via Wikipedia

HIV/AIDS prevelance worldmap

Image via Wikipedia

National Article 3: Lands of ‘Princesses’ and ‘Prostitutes’!

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Are the two worlds really that different or there is merely a thin line separating the two?

Are these two worlds defined by the women or by the men or by both or by persons beyond the couple?

I had a surreal experience yesterday.

I was on my way to an engagement party and I had my usual driver help me get to the venue which was an hour’s drive away.  My driver, in his late 30’s or early 40’s, over time has grown accustomed to using the time he has me in his car to share his concerns that he finds in his life and as a sounding board for his thoughts.  As the journey continued, the conversation turned to ‘what does a woman want from her man’?   He asked, “is it a roof over their heads or a box of chocolates from him?”  Well, I said, “while the box of chocolate may not be the same as a roof over their heads, but if she also receives a box of chocolate from him, it helps her see him as more than a provider for the family to also the lover in her life”, I said.

At soon as those words left my mouth, it felt like a cannon had suddenly been let loose within the car!  He became rattled and began by saying “such days have long gone”.  Well, I added, “you would not want her to see you as her father or brother, would we?”  He continued to disagree.  He then shares, that had I known better, I would know that “it is not unusual for the women in the country to “keep small houses by their side”.  While she may have the ‘main meal’ with her husband, she continues to enjoy ‘side dishes’ with other men”.  He adds that having come to know about that part of her life, it is making it difficult for him to relate towards her as her husband and as the only man in her life.  He then repeated several times that it is not easy for a man to give flowers and chocolate to “a prostitute”.  He for now is choosing to live a life separate from his wife, even choosing not to eat within the same house.  Deep in my heart, I knew “he was crying inside” and I ended that part of the conversation with “this may have been a chance for her to learn to turn into a woman, a chance another man may not do it for her, except you”.

Half an hour later, we arrive at the home where my hosts were hosting an engagement party for their twenty-something year old daughter.

And then, almost in an instant, it looked like I had walked from one world into another world – a world ‘fit for a princess”.  The place was teeming with men and women working side-by-side, putting together the venue for an evening of merriment and joy in celebration of exchanging and  accepting the dowry between the groom and the bride’s family an event which was held earlier in the morning.  I sat by the corner, watching and soaking in as much of the buzz of the evening and location.  It was all new to me here.  The women were washing plates and dishing food and drinks out to the guests who were arriving and laying tablecloths on the tables  The men were preparing the firewood that was going to part of the braai stands that would grill enough meat for an anticipated guests of 500 to 600 persons.  Perhaps even a 1000.  Elders were playing out their traditional roles receiving the bridal parties on both sides and observing the protocols of the day.  Meanwhile tiny tots scaled the length and breath of the venue adding colour and vibrancy to the occasion with their spanking new clothes and their chirping voices.  Nothing over the top.  Only sheer joy meandering all around in the togetherness.

Two hours later and when the venue, food and the guests were set, the bride walks in, in the arms of her fiance.  He was beaming from ear to ear eager to show his bride off to the world.  Both of them took the main stage and sat on their assigned seats (well, I actually want to mean ‘thrones’).  She sat on her side, glancing from the corner of her eyes and chatting at her fiance from time to time, while taking in the whole place and the evening and how it has been laid out in front of her.  She did not hold any airs about her but smiled sweetly knowing she was being treated like a princess from her groom to her father.

I sat at my chair within the audience enjoying how much the bride was enjoying the evening.

The next morning, that is today morning, something struck me.

How did I go from, in less than one hour and in a distance of less than 100 km apart, hearing the story of a ‘prostitute’ in the guise of a wife to seeing a princess about to become a wife?

Both assaulting my senses in the same evening.

How did the same land produce both princesses and ‘prostitutes’?  Which one is more?  Which side is growing?  And which side is seeing declining numbers?

Why does this happen?