Relationships – Systems Thinking Research & Leadership Development Institute (STRLDi)

When the Community Speaks … Gendered Violence

Title: Raising Emotionally Ready Men and Women: Healing the Roots of Gendered Violence

Published by: STRLDi (Systems Thinking Research & Leadership Development Institute)

🧠 Culture of Public Harmony vs. Private Harm

In many cultures, maintaining a façade of harmony in public spaces is prized—especially within families, religious institutions, or social hierarchies. While appearing orderly and respectful on the outside, such cultures often harbour unspoken violence behind closed doors.

This cultural silence makes it harder for victims to speak up and harder for perpetrators to recognize their emotional wounds. It also prevents community accountability. True change requires lifting this veil.

Find here the Index /Table of Contents (at the beginning of the post) and a Policy Summary (at the end of the post):

QUICK NAVIGATION – HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS ARTICLE

The Proverb Revisited:
Rethinking “Ha di etelwa pele ke manamagadi di wela ka lemena” in today’s context

Helen Andelin & Feminine Power:
How Fascinating Womanhood reframes emotional readiness and feminine strength

The Journey of Boys & Girls Toward Emotional Readiness:
Milestones from birth to relationship maturity – and what disrupts them

When Readiness Fails:
How cheating, violence, and emotional reactivity emerge in unreadied adults

Age & Gender of Offenders:
At what age and in what household structures does violence begin?

The Mother-Son & Father-Daughter Influence:
Generational voices that shape violence, control, and gender roles

Addiction, Poverty & Educational Attainment:
Hidden contributors to emotional dysregulation and relational harm

Lost Potential:
Educational, emotional, and civic achievements denied by gendered violence

Where Violence Struggles to Thrive:
What countries are doing differently to prevent gendered violence

A Vision for Healing:
What emotionally ready men and women do in love, hardship, and legacy

🪶1. WALKING THROUGH THE CULTURAL NUANCES

REINTERPRETING THE PROVERB: “Ha di etelwa pele ke manamagadi di wela ka lemena”

A vision of emotional responsibility and generational strength

Traditionally, the proverb “Ha di etelwa pele ke manamagadi di wela ka lemena” has been understood to suggest that when women lead, missteps follow. Taken literally, it warns of hens falling into a pit when they lead the flock. But such an interpretation, often shaped by patriarchal norms, fails to honor the fuller spiritual and relational truth the proverb may be pointing toward.

What if the proverb was not a condemnation of women’s leadership, but a call to men to step into their higher responsibility—beyond self, toward service?

🔹 A Man’s Role: To Provide Shelter, Not Rule

In this deeper reading, the proverb reminds us that when men abdicate their role as protectors and providers—not just materially, but emotionally and spiritually—those in their care are left exposed to the harshness of the world.

The man is not a tyrant, but a shelter.
His strength is not control, but sacrifice and foresight.
He grows from self-centeredness to community-centered responsibility.
He defends the space where women, children, and society at large can thrive in peace.

“Imagine a world where all men embrace this calling—to extend their arms not only around their own households, but outward, encompassing their communities, their nations, and even the globe.”

🔹 A Woman’s Role: To Thrive Within Sanctuary

In such a world, a woman is not diminished—but elevated. She is given the emotional and physical room to care for herself, nurture her gifts, and raise a generation grounded in security, love, and vision.

“In the sheltered space he provides—not of domination, but of peace—she becomes the nurturer of future men and women who will, in turn, learn to stand on their own feet and protect others in kind.”

This is not submission—it is a circle of strength, rooted in each gender fulfilling a role that enhances, not erases, the other.

🔸 In Conclusion: A Shared Covenant

This reinterpretation of the proverb offers a shared vision:

For men: to reclaim their deeper purpose as emotional anchors, not authority figures.
For women: to rise with strength in spaces of security, not struggle.
For the next generation: to inherit a model of wholeness, not woundedness.

“Ha di etelwa pele ke manamagadi di wela ka lemena” becomes not a warning against women, but a call to men to lead in service, and to both men and women to co-create a society where no one must walk into the pit alone.

I’m so glad you resonate with the reframing.

What you’re expressing aligns deeply with Helen Andelin’s work in Fascinating Womanhood, which makes a central argument: A woman’s feminine strength doesn’t diminish her—it inspires masculine nobility. When she forfeits this—often in pursuit of self-protection or social power—it can disorient the very dynamic that builds mutual care.

Here’s a refined continuation of your reflection, professionally and warmly phrased, with direct thematic references to Helen Andelin’s work:

🔹 When Women Take the Space Away: A Feminine Power Lost

In today’s world, many women—rightfully tired of being unprotected—step into leadership, self-sufficiency, and public influence. But in doing so, some are taught to abandon the very feminine strengths that make them uniquely powerful: softness, compassion, trust, and radiance.

Helen Andelin, in Fascinating Womanhood, makes a profound observation:

“The kind of woman who brings out a man’s deepest love is one who possesses a childlike inner happiness, tenderness, and charm—not the aggressive independence that makes him feel unnecessary.”

When a woman believes she must lead by out-manning the man, she may gain power—but lose connection.

She may project control instead of trust.
Withhold softness for fear of being seen as weak.
Adopt emotional hardness to survive a world that has hurt her.

But in doing so, she accidentally removes the very qualities that inspire a man to protect, provide, and cherish her.

🔹 Feminine Power Is Not Weakness—It Is Catalytic

Andelin writes:

“Feminine charm is not manipulation—it is a natural expression of love, joy, and belief in a man’s better self.”

True feminine power calls forth the protector, not the predator.

It invites the man to rise, not dominate.
It evokes care, not control.
It nurtures emotional readiness in both parties—not through demand, but through dignity.

When a woman holds her place of softness—not as submission, but as strength—it gives the man space to lead not by force, but by responsibility.

🔸 The Loss of Radiance—and Its Societal Cost

When a society teaches women that feminine qualities are liabilities:

Trust gives way to guardedness.
Radiance is masked with strategy.
Vulnerability is replaced by control.

Andelin cautions that:

“When women abandon femininity, men lose the will to rise—and relationships fall into power struggles rather than love.”

🔸 A Restored Partnership

The answer is not to deny women leadership—but to lead without losing what makes her womanly. The strength to nurture, forgive, inspire, and stand in grace is not inferior—it is world-shaping.

In this way, the proverb “Ha di etelwa pele ke manamagadi di wela ka lemena” becomes a deeper caution—not against female leadership, but against the loss of relational polarity that invites the masculine to protect, and the feminine to blossom.

2. Why the Proverb Has Lost Relevance in Modern Times

While once seen as wisdom, the proverb has lost its social and cultural weight in today’s world due to several transformative forces:

Changing Role of Women: Education, political participation, and leadership are now shared spaces.
Colonial Disruptions: Men’s absence due to migrant labor left women managing households and economies.
Urbanization: Leadership in homes and communities is now based on emotional readiness, not gender.
Global Feminist Movements: Leadership is no longer masculine by default.
Modern Leadership Values: Empathy, collaboration, and emotional intelligence are today’s most valued leadership traits—many of them inherently feminine.

Today, the proverb is better understood not as a warning against women leading, but as a call for men to lead with integrity and emotional maturity, and for both to share in building homes and societies where no one walks alone.

3. When Women Step Into Leadership at the Cost of Femininity

Today, many women step into leadership—often out of necessity. Yet, in doing so, some are conditioned to relinquish the very qualities that once inspired men to protect, provide, and cherish.

Helen Andelin, in Fascinating Womanhood, reminds us:

“The kind of woman who brings out a man’s deepest love is one who possesses a childlike inner happiness, tenderness, and charm—not the aggressive independence that makes him feel unnecessary.”

When a woman leads by suppressing trust, softness, and vulnerability, she may command authority but lose connection. Instead of inspiring strength in her partner, she may trigger resistance, withdrawal, or power struggle.

“Feminine charm is not manipulation—it is a natural expression of love, joy, and belief in a man’s better self.” — Helen Andelin

The solution is not to reject women’s leadership, but to restore feminine emotional authority—the kind that inspires, anchors, and ennobles.

WHY THE PROVERB LOST ITS RELEVANCE SINCE THE 1900s

The Setswana proverb “Ha di etelwa pele ke manamagadi di wela ka lemena” (when hens lead, they fall into the pit) has lost much of its moral and cultural relevance in today’s world due to several overlapping historical, social, and psychological transformations. Below is a structured explanation of why:

🔹 1. Changing Role of Women in Society

Then (1900s):

Most African societies were agrarian, patriarchal, and clan-based.
Gender roles were rigid: men led in public life; women supported from the home.

Now:

Women have entered formal education, business, politics, science, and law.
Global shifts (e.g., UN rights frameworks, constitutional reforms, access to education) have legitimized female leadership.

Today, leadership is no longer gendered—it is measured by character, competence, and vision.

🔹 2. Colonial Disruption of Traditional Family Structures

The colonial period (late 1800s–1960s in Botswana and Southern Africa) removed men from homes through migrant labor systems:

Men were absent for years in mines or urban centers.
Women raised families alone, managed land, and became de facto heads of households.

This upended the proverb’s assumptions:

Women were now leading because men were gone, not by choice or rebellion.
And in many cases, they did not “fall into the pit”—they held families and economies together.

🔹 3. Urbanization and Economic Pressures

In modern urban life:

Success is not determined by physical strength or male headship.
Single motherhood, co-parenting, and female entrepreneurship are normative.
Emotional resilience, not obedience to gender roles, keeps families together.

As a result, the proverb’s warning feels misaligned with how real families function today.

🔹 4. Global Women’s Movements and Feminist Thought

Since the mid-20th century, global feminism has:

Challenged the idea that leadership is masculine.
Advocated for women’s voices in decision-making at all levels.
Shifted cultural narratives from “women obey” to “women lead alongside.”

Thus, a proverb that sees female leadership as inherently dangerous now sounds discriminatory and dismissive, not wise.

🔹 5. Rise of Emotional Intelligence and Relational Models of Leadership

Modern leadership theory values:

Empathy, collaboration, listening, and emotional readiness—traits long associated with the feminine.
As such, what the proverb once warned against is now seen as a necessary asset in workplaces, families, and public life.

🧠 Relevance Today: A Shift in Meaning, Not Erasure

Rather than discard the proverb, today’s interpretation invites a reframing:

The proverb now becomes a call—not for women to step back, but for men to step up emotionally and relationally.
And for both to recognize that leadership grounded in care, respect, and emotional maturity transcends gender.

A SYSTEMIC PARADOX: WHAT STILL GROOMS A MANIPULATOR

The inquiry cuts deep into a systemic paradox: how someone shaped by a culture that publicly emphasizes grace, humility, and harmony (widely referenced in cultural contexts by the term “Botho”) can become a manipulator, specifically a gaslighter, in private. A gaslighter is a person who uses psychological methods to manipulate someone into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning. This duality is not accidental. It emerges from structural conditions that:

Mask abuse under the cover of cultural respectability.
Reward control and silence, and
Lack internal checks on emotional development and accountability.

Below is a systemic unpacking of the gaslighter’s formation, behaviour, concealment tactics, and ultimately what prevents manipulation — with special attention to how this plays out within Botswana’s sociocultural context:

🔄 WHAT GROOMS A MANIPULATOR INTO GASLIGHTING BEHAVIOUR?

1. Unprocessed Childhood Trauma or Emotional Neglect

Raised in environments where emotions are dismissed (“be strong,” “don’t be soft,” “real men don’t cry”).
Learns early that power equals control, not connection.
Develops shame around vulnerability, which gets repurposed as emotional control over others.

❝He learns not to feel — and later, he punishes others for feeling.❞

2. Entitlement Shaped by Gender and Social Hierarchies

In patriarchal structures like many in Southern Africa, the man may internalize:
- “My word is final.”
- “Respect means obedience.”
Social roles groom him to expect:
- Emotional compliance
- Control over decisions
- Silence from others

❝When his sense of worth is based on domination, disagreement feels like betrayal.❞

3. Avoidance of Public Accountability

Raised in a society where public image is sacred, but private accountability is weak.
Learns that:
- Shame is to be hidden, not healed.
- What happens inside the house stays inside.
Exploits cultural silence to avoid consequences.

❝The wider the gap between public respect and private pain, the more the manipulator hides inside that shadow.❞

🎭 WHAT DOES THE GASLIGHTER DO TO HIDE THE MANIPULATION?

Tactic	Purpose
Denial of events (“I never said that”)	Disorients the victim and rewrites history
Triangulation (“Even so-and-so agrees with me”)	Undermines victim by weaponizing social opinion
Charm in public, cold in private	Maintains the illusion of harmony
Victim-blaming (“You’re too sensitive”)	Shifts blame and erodes victim’s confidence
Minimizing conflict (“It was just a joke”)	Dismisses harm and avoids accountability
Selective honesty	Shares some truths to gain trust and confuse boundaries

❝He mixes truth and denial so subtly that even his victims begin to self-edit their memories.❞

🛑 WHAT WOULD PREVENT A GASLIGHTER FROM MANIPULATING?

1. Inner Emotional Literacy (not just public politeness)

Emotional humility: the ability to say “I was wrong,” not just “ke kopa tshwarelo.”
Teaching boys emotional vocabulary before they weaponize silence or guilt.

2. Witnessing healthy power models

Exposure to male figures who lead without control.
Reinforcing that masculinity includes empathy, emotional honesty, and boundaries.

3. External accountability structures

Active IPV reporting systems where emotional abuse is recognized — not just physical.
Elders, churches, or kgotla leaders trained in emotional dynamics, not just dispute mediation.

4. Consequences with dignity

Clear relational consequences (separation, social redirection, therapy) that don’t shame, but interrupt manipulation patterns.
Cultural storytelling and songs that highlight self-reflection over saving face.

👀 HOW TO RECOGNIZE SIGNS OF A GASLIGHTER?

Sign	What to Watch For
Constant self-justification	They always have an excuse — even when they’re clearly wrong
Invalidation of your emotions	“You’re overreacting.” “That’s not what happened.”
Charm to outsiders, coldness inside	Loved by the community, feared or doubted by their partner
Weaponized silence or confusion	Refusing to talk, pretending not to understand, or changing the topic
Pressure to isolate you	Discourages you from talking to friends or family
Refuses feedback but demands loyalty	Cannot handle critique, but expects total agreement
Uses “cultural values” to shut you down	“A real woman keeps quiet.” “You’re embarrassing the family.”

❝Gaslighters don’t just deny facts. They erase your map of reality so you rely only on theirs.❞

🧩 In Botswana’s Context: Why This Matters

The gap between public decency and private violence is a systemic risk — especially where cultural values are used to cover silence rather than expose harm.
Botho can be reclaimed to mean:
- Protection of human dignity, not tolerating abuse for appearances.
Churches, schools, and families can begin teaching:
- “Harmony is not the absence of conflict — it is the presence of truth.”

WHT COULD REPLACE DOMINATION AS A SENSE OF WORTH?

This is a critical question — one that gets to the root of transformation:
👉 What could a gaslighter replace his need to dominate with?
👉 And why is this shift not happening, especially in today’s social context (e.g., in Botswana or similarly structured cultures)?

Let’s unpack this in two parts:

🧠 PART 1: What Could Replace Domination as a Sense of Worth?

If domination is the external compensation for inner insecurity, then healing must begin by building worth from within, and anchoring it relationally, not hierarchically.

Here are 5 healthier replacements:

1. Mutual Respect as Strength

Replace: “I matter because I’m in control”
With: “I matter because I contribute to the safety, dignity, and growth of others.”
Anchors a man’s worth in his impact on others’ well-being, not their obedience.

2. Emotional Literacy

Knowing, naming, and navigating one’s own emotions becomes a source of mastery.
Emotional strength becomes: “I can sit with discomfort without blaming others.”

3. Inner Integrity

A man becomes “whole” not by controlling others, but by living in alignment:
- Saying what he means
- Admitting when he’s wrong
- Being trusted even when no one is watching

4. Purposeful Contribution

Worth shifts from dominance to legacy: “What I build and protect with others — not what I control alone — defines me.”

5. Self-Awareness + Growth

The man begins to feel proud not for winning arguments, but for:
- Changing inherited patterns
- Earning trust after having lost it
- Becoming emotionally safe for his children and partner

🧨 PART 2: Why Isn’t This Shift Happening Today?

Despite these pathways, many gaslighters do not make the choice to change. Why?

Here are the barriers, both internal and systemic:

🚫 1. Fragile Masculine Identity in Transitioning Cultures

In Botswana and other transitioning societies:
- Women are increasingly educated, visible, and economically empowered.
- Many men feel left behind, with their traditional roles shrinking.
Without new models of masculinity, they fall back on control as proof of relevance.

“If I can’t earn more than her, at least I can make her fear me.”

🚫 2. Emotional Illiteracy

Many boys are not taught to:
- Identify their feelings
- Ask for help
- Handle rejection, shame, or loss
When these feelings arise in adulthood, they’re masked with:
- Anger
- Blame
- Control

“You made me do this” is easier to say than “I feel ashamed and I don’t know what to do with it.”

🚫 3. Lack of Accountability in Private Spaces

Cultural institutions (e.g. kgotla, church, family elders) often focus on peace over truth.
Emotional abuse rarely meets social consequences.
If no one names the behaviour, the man has no incentive to confront it.

🚫 4. Misuse of Cultural Values

Concepts like:
- “A woman should submit”
- “Men are the head”
- “Do not shame the family”
Are often invoked to silence partners, rather than elevate responsibility.

These values are distorted to justify power, rather than promote maturity.

🚫 5. Social Reward for Control

Some men still gain:
- Respect in public for being “strong” or “strict”
- Compliance in private through fear or dependence
They see no reason to change when the system still works in their favor.

🧭 A Cultural Path Forward

To support the gaslighter’s shift, society must:

✅ Normalize the language of emotional maturity in men:

“I was wrong.”
“That hurt me and I didn’t know how to say it.”
“Let’s fix this without fear.”

✅ Celebrate men who:

Deconstruct control
Protect without overpowering
Listen with humility

✅ Make space for failure and redemption, not just punishment:

A gaslighter’s healing must feel like a growth journey, not only condemnation.

🧠 Final Thought

“What we name as strength must change.”
If domination continues to be praised as leadership, men will pursue it.
If care, honesty, and self-mastery become the new “strong,”
even the gaslighter will begin to reach for it — if he is shown how.

ROLE OF ECONOMIC EXCLUSION IN BUILDING A MAN’S SELF-WORTH

This is a crucial question because it connects systemic economic exclusion to the psychological roots of interpersonal violence, especially in men.

Let’s break it down:

🔍 To what extent does economic exclusion contribute to a man building his sense of worth through domination?

🔹 1. When Employment = Identity, Unemployment = Worthlessness

In many societies — including Botswana — manhood has historically been tied to providing:

Breadwinner roles
Livestock, land, or income status
Visibility in community decisions and bridewealth negotiations

When a man cannot participate in the economy due to structural unemployment:

He feels disempowered, invisible, irrelevant
There is a vacuum of value where pride and self-esteem should sit
And without internal alternatives (like emotional literacy), he reaches for the next accessible source of worth: control

Domination fills the gap when contribution is denied.

🔹 2. Power Dynamics Shift — But Emotionally Unready Men Feel Threatened

In Botswana today:

Women are increasingly educated, employed, and financially mobile
Men, especially in rural or under-educated contexts, are not keeping pace

This creates a reversal of roles without an emotional or cultural reconfiguration. The man feels:

Ashamed
Left behind
Dependent on the very partner he’s expected to lead

In response, domination becomes a compensation strategy:

“If I can’t provide, at least I can still control.”

🔹 3. Structural Unemployment Feeds Interpersonal Control

Unemployment, especially long-term or youth unemployment, fosters:

Chronic stress and helplessness
Lack of future orientation
Reduced empathy and patience

This creates the perfect environment for:

Irritability, outbursts, and manipulation
Gaslighting, blame, and coercive control in relationships

🔄 Would gainful employment reduce this tendency?

✅ Yes — but not automatically.

Employment can:

Restore dignity: The man sees himself as useful again
Rebuild agency: He feels capable of shaping outcomes, not just reacting
Create purpose and routine: Reduces idle time, anxiety, and dependency

These are all protective factors that reduce the psychological need for domination.

BUT — only if paired with a shift in identity.

⚠️ If employment reinforces domination, it can backfire.

In some cases:

A man who gets a job may feel entitled to control again (“Now you owe me respect.”)
Or he may use money as another tool of coercion (“Without me, you are nothing.”)

So employment alone is not the cure — but it’s a powerful gateway to transformation if coupled with:

Emotional growth
Community modelling of healthy masculinity
Supportive relationships where dignity is mutual, not hierarchical

🧠 Bottom Line

With Unemployment	With Employment (Unintegrated)	With Employment + Growth
Feels powerless, ashamed	Feels powerful, entitled	Feels purposeful, dignified
Turns to control to regain status	Uses income to reinforce control	Uses income to build shared well-being
Violence may escalate due to stress + frustration	Violence may persist as expression of dominance	Violence decreases; relationships improve

🧭 What Can Be Done Systemically?

Link job creation programs with emotional resilience training

Elevate role models who are both economically active and emotionally mature

Redefine contribution beyond income — e.g., mentorship, parenting, community care

Support men’s groups that explore meaning, purpose, and masculinity in today’s context

2. INTRODUCTION: WHY EMOTIONAL READINESS MATTERS

In many societies, gendered violence and relational dysfunction are not just acts of harm but symptoms of emotional unreadiness. Boys and girls grow into men and women with unresolved trauma, unspoken fears, and distorted messages about power, love, and identity.

At STRLDi, we believe that the long-term solution to gender-based violence lies in fostering emotional maturity from childhood into adulthood—a process grounded in self-awareness, empathy, dignity, and relational integrity.

This article explores:

The journey of boys and girls toward emotional readiness.
What happens when those journeys are disrupted.
What families, individuals, and national systems can do to heal.
Insights drawn from Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin.

THE BOY’S JOURNEY TOWARD EMOTIONAL READINESS

Drawing from Fascinating Womanhood, we begin with the insight: “A man wants to look up to his woman… to feel that in loving her, he becomes more of a man.” This pedestal is symbolic, not of perfection, but of emotional poise, dignity, and feminine radiance. Yet when a man is emotionally unready, he may react to her perceived “fall” with frustration or even violence—a confused attempt to restore what he feels has been lost.

On the Dynamics of Gendered Violence: A Reflection Through the Lens of Fascinating Womanhood

Fascinating Womanhood observes that many men are deeply inspired by the idealized image of womanhood—not as a demand for perfection, but as a source of moral strength, tenderness, and admiration. “A man wants to look up to his woman,” Andelin writes, “to feel that in loving her, he becomes more of a man.” In this view, the woman serves as a symbolic anchor for his nobler aspirations.

When this pedestal—real or perceived—seems to falter, some men, particularly those who lack healthy emotional tools or grounding, may respond with confusion, fear, or misplaced frustration. Tragically, for some, this can escalate into acts of violence. It is a distorted and destructive attempt to restore what he believes has been lost—the woman’s role as his guiding light. As misguided as it is harmful, such actions reflect not strength, but an internal sense of disorientation and helplessness.

This framing is not intended to excuse violence in any form. Rather, it invites us to understand one of the deeper psychological roots of such behavior. As we address gendered violence, it becomes essential not only to protect and empower women, but also to re-educate men—especially those shaped by cultural narratives that tie their sense of worth to the woman they look up to. True strength lies not in dominance or control, but in mutual dignity, respect, and healing.

Emotional Readiness and the Pedestal: A Deeper Reflection through Fascinating Womanhood

Emotional intelligence includes the capacity to recognize that becoming physiologically or mentally independent from one’s parents does not automatically imply emotional maturity or readiness for intimacy. True emotional readiness is marked by self-respect, a grounded identity, and the ability to engage in love without reacting from woundedness or insecurity.

In Fascinating Womanhood, Helen Andelin writes:

“To inspire a man, a woman need not strive or compete. She simply needs to be a woman—radiant, feminine, and dignified. A woman’s greatest power lies in her ability to charm and inspire through her natural womanliness.”

When a woman responds to betrayal by cheating in return, or consents to intimacy with a man who is already involved with another, she may believe she is reclaiming power or asserting equality. In truth, such responses often stem from a deeper emotional wound—feeling as though she has been pushed down from a pedestal by a man’s actions.

Yet, as Andelin subtly emphasizes, the pedestal is not something a man bestows. It is something a woman gracefully accepts and stands on by recognizing her own intrinsic worth. It is the state of being—not an act of being placed there. When she forgets this, she may act as if her worth has been diminished by him, when in fact, her emotional compass has become misaligned.

Emotional readiness, then, is the understanding that:

One’s dignity is not contingent on a man’s behavior.
Intimacy must not be confused with validation-seeking.
A woman can be the cherished center of a man’s life, not by striving or reacting, but by simply being—whole, feminine, and secure in herself.

This is the essence of the woman on the pedestal—she did not climb up nor fall off at anyone’s hand. She knows she belongs there.

Emotional unreadiness is often shaped in early childhood.

Stages of Development:

Infancy (0-6): The boy learns whether it is safe to feel, cry, and be held.
Childhood (7-12): He begins to internalize messages such as “Don’t let anyone disrespect you,” shaping early scripts of dominance over vulnerability.
Adolescence (13-20): He encounters masculine stereotypes that suppress emotional expression and equate strength with control.
Young Adulthood (21-35): He is emotionally ready only when he can love without needing control, express emotions without shame, and see the woman as an equal partner rather than an anchor for his identity.

THE GIRL’S JOURNEY TOWARD EMOTIONAL READINESS

According to Fascinating Womanhood, a woman’s power is in her feminine grace: “To be loved deeply, a woman does not need to be perfect. She needs to be feminine.” Emotional readiness for a woman means standing on her own pedestal—not placed there by a man, but claimed by her own self-respect, emotional clarity, and inner poise.

Stages of Development:

Infancy (0-6): She needs affirmation for her tenderness and voice, not just her appearance or silence.
Childhood (7-12): She must learn she can say “no” and still be loved.
Adolescence (13-20): She risks internalizing worth as conditional—based on male attention or perfection.
Young Adulthood (21-35): She becomes ready to love without losing herself, expressing needs without guilt, and inspiring her partner by her own centeredness.

WHY WOULD THE OFFENDING GENDER “FORGET” IN HIS ATTEMPT “TO RESTORE” CONTROL THAT ASSAULT IS A CRIME?

Because in that moment, the drive to feel in control overwhelms the awareness of what is right or lawful. Here’s why:

🔹 1. Emotional hijacking (psychological explanation):

When a person feels their power, pride, or identity is threatened—especially in intimate relationships—the brain can enter a “fight” mode. This is called emotional hijacking.

🧠 The rational brain (which knows hitting is wrong) shuts down.
🔥 The emotional brain (which feels hurt, insulted, or afraid) takes over.
👉 The person acts to regain control, not to commit a crime—though a crime is exactly what happens.

🔹 2. Social conditioning (gender norms):

Some cultures teach—directly or indirectly—that:

Men should be “in charge” or not tolerate “disrespect.”
Women must keep the family together, even under abuse.
“Real men” don’t cry, but they can use force.

💡 So, when control feels lost, violence becomes a learned tool to restore it—not seen as a crime, but as “justified” or even “deserved.”

🔹 3. Dehumanization of the victim:

When anger or fear rises, the offender may stop seeing the other as a person with rights. They become a “problem,” “threat,” or “object” to punish or control. This shift makes it easier to justify harm.

🔹 4. Lack of accountability or consequences:

If the person has never faced serious consequences—or was raised seeing violence go unpunished—they may not feel it’s truly wrong. The law may say it’s a crime, but their lived experience says otherwise.

In Summary:

Why do some people “forget” that assault is a crime when they feel out of control?

🧠 Their emotions take over logic.
🔁 Society told them it’s okay to use force to stay “in control.”
😶 They stop seeing the other person as human.
⚖️ They’ve never been held accountable before.

So they act from fear, pride, or habit—not realizing (or caring) that they’re committing a crime.

WHERE DOES THE VOICE “The man should be in charge” COME FROM?

The voice that teaches a man he should “be in charge” or “not tolerate disrespect” can come from both the man’s internal voice and his mother’s (or caregiver’s) voice—but often, the mother’s voice comes first.

Here’s how:

🔹 1. The Mother’s Voice (or Caregiver’s):

In early childhood, a boy’s understanding of the world—and his role as a male—begins primarily through his caregiver, often the mother or grandmother.

She may say directly or indirectly:

“You’re the man of the house now.”
“Boys don’t cry.”
“Don’t let anyone disrespect you.”
“If a woman talks back, you show her who’s boss.”
“You must always provide/protect—no matter what.”

These messages form his early inner script—what he believes a man should be. Even if said with care or love, they often carry deep gender expectations.

🔹 2. The Man’s Internalized Voice:

As he grows up, this early script becomes his internal narrator. He starts saying to himself:

“I must always be strong.”
“If she talks to me like that, she doesn’t respect me.”
“If I lose control, I lose respect.”
“No one will love me if I seem weak.”

This is the inherited voice now living inside him—shaped by his upbringing, society, and repeated messages.

🔹 So whose voice is it?

✅ Originally, often the mother or early caregiver.
✅ Later, it becomes his own—shaped by society, reinforced by peers, and acted upon as truth.

This is not to blame mothers, but to recognize how early gender messages—even with good intent—can have long-term effects on emotional development and violence patterns.

WHERE DOES THE VOICE “the woman must keep the family together, even under abuse” COME FROM?

The voice that says “Women must keep the family together, even under abuse” most often originates from the mother (or elder female figures like grandmothers, aunties, or church leaders)—and is later reinforced by society, religion, and sometimes men themselves.

Let’s unpack it:

🔹 1. The Mother’s (or Elder Woman’s) Voice:

This message is commonly passed from older women to younger women and girls. It often sounds like:

“Endure for the children.”
“Men are like that—just be patient.”
“A woman’s strength is in holding the home together.”
“Don’t bring shame to the family by speaking out.”
“What will people say if your marriage fails?”
“You made your bed, now lie in it.”

These messages are usually rooted in fear, survival, or generational trauma. Older women may have endured abuse themselves and believed silence was the only way to keep family dignity, food on the table, or children stable.

So, even when trying to “help,” they pass down messages of endurance over safety.

🔹 2. The Man’s Voice (later reinforcement):

Over time, men may adopt and reinforce this message:

“She’ll never leave me—she knows her place.”
“She’s a good woman—she stays no matter what.”
“That’s what women are supposed to do.”

But this is often a reflection of the early voice he saw modeled by women around him—who stayed silent, who endured, and who passed that silence down as strength.

🔹 So whose voice is it?

✅ Originally, the mother or grandmother, passing down inherited scripts of survival and female duty.
✅ Later, society, religion, and even the abusive partner reinforce it—until it becomes a trap.

🔸 Important Note:

This doesn’t mean mothers are to blame. It means they were often operating from a system of limited choices, and coping through silence. The goal is not blame, but awareness—so we can break cycles and teach new ones.

WHERE DOES THE VOICE “real men don’t cry, but they can use force” COME FROM?

The voice that says “Real men don’t cry, but they can use force” is primarily a societal voice, but it is delivered through both male and female messengers—fathers, mothers, teachers, peers, media, religious leaders.

Let’s unpack it:

🔹 1. The Societal Voice (the source):

This belief is rooted in patriarchal systems that define masculinity as:

Emotionally detached
Dominant
Physically strong
In control

In these systems:

Crying is seen as weakness = feminine = unacceptable.
Force (verbal or physical) is seen as strength = masculine = acceptable or expected.

This message is not about truth—it’s about a survival model of masculinity passed down over generations.

🔹 2. The Messengers (who speaks it):

a. Fathers and male figures:

“Man up.”
“Stop crying—you’re not a girl.”
“Handle it like a man.”
“If someone disrespects you, put them in their place.”

b. Mothers and female figures:

“You’re the man of the house now.”
“Don’t let anyone walk over you.”
“Boys don’t cry—be strong.”
“Defend your sister. Be tough.”

c. Peers and media:

Schoolyards, sports fields, and action films all reinforce:
→ Crying = humiliation.
→ Fighting back = honour or respect.

🔹 So whose voice is it?

✅ The voice of a society that fears male vulnerability,
✅ Spoken through both men and women,
✅ Internalized by boys, who then grow into men with deep emotional repression—and often, overcompensate through force.

This is a profound and central question—you’re now entering the core of the emotional architecture behind gendered violence and identity formation.

WHY DOES SOCIETY FEAR OR SHUN MALE VULNERABILITY?

Because male vulnerability threatens the very foundation of how power, protection, and authority have traditionally been defined.

In patriarchal systems:

Men are taught to lead, protect, provide, dominate.
Vulnerability (emotions, uncertainty, fear, tenderness) is seen as the opposite of those traits.
If men are allowed to feel and express vulnerability, then the myth of control, strength, and male superiority begins to unravel.

This fear is cultural, generational, and systemic.

🔹 What does male vulnerability mean to their own sense of vulnerability?

It means facing the parts of themselves they’ve been taught to deny, such as:

Fear of not being enough
Shame about failure or rejection
Longing for connection and affirmation
The pain of not being emotionally nurtured as boys

But since these feelings were never allowed or validated, vulnerability feels unsafe, even dangerous. So instead of processing it, many men:

Suppress it (through silence, numbness, avoidance)
Project it (by blaming others—often women)
Overcompensate (through aggression, control, or withdrawal)

This is why vulnerability isn’t just uncomfortable—it feels like a loss of identity, or worse, a threat to survival in the system that raised them.

🔸 In short:

🔹 Society fears male vulnerability because it destabilizes a long-held myth: that strength = emotionlessness and control.

🔹 Men fear their own vulnerability because it brings them face to face with pain they were never taught how to hold, and for which they were never given language or permission.

In Summary:

Why does society fear male vulnerability?
Because it breaks the old myth that men must always be strong, silent, and in control.

What does vulnerability feel like to men?
It feels unsafe. It brings up shame, fear, and pain they were never allowed to express. So they hide it, fight it, or silence others instead.

Another deeply perceptive question.

WHO FEARS FACING THE MALE WHO HAS BEEN MADE VULNERABLE?

The answer is: Everyone.
But each group fears him in different ways, for different reasons.

Let’s break it down:

🔹 1. The Male Himself

He is often the most afraid of facing his own vulnerability.

Why?

He has been taught that showing weakness makes him less of a man.
He may not have the emotional tools to process pain, grief, or fear.
Vulnerability feels like losing control—which is terrifying when control = safety, identity, and status.

So he avoids it, denies it, or lashes out to bury it.

🔹 2. Other Men (Peers, Fathers, Brothers)

They fear him because he mirrors what they are also suppressing.

Why?

His vulnerability threatens the group norm: “We don’t talk about feelings.”
It makes others feel emotionally exposed or weak.
They may mock or isolate him to protect the “code of masculinity.”

This is why emotionally open men often face ridicule or rejection by their peers.

🔹 3. Women (Mothers, Partners, Sisters)

Some women fear a vulnerable man because he disrupts the role they were taught to rely on.

Why?

If he’s vulnerable, who protects us?
If he cries, who do we lean on?
If he is soft, can we trust him to be strong when needed?

Especially mothers who raised sons alone or were themselves hurt by men may struggle to hold space for male vulnerability.

And if a woman was taught her value lies in being the nurturer to the strong man, she may not know how to receive him when he comes undone.

🔹 4. Society at Large

Society fears the vulnerable man because he challenges the structure that depends on men being “tough,” “decisive,” and “unfeeling.”

Why?

Vulnerable men don’t make good soldiers, enforcers, or silent breadwinners.
They start questioning rules, seeking connection, dismantling systems.
That threatens order—as it has been defined for centuries.

🔸 Summary:

Who fears the vulnerable man the most?
Everyone—
🧍‍♂️ He fears being seen.
👥 His male peers fear being exposed.
👩 Some women fear being left unprotected.
🏛️ Society fears having to rebuild its rules.

3. STABILITY IN THE AGE OF ONSET OF VIOLENCE

Based on global research, the age of first Commission of gendered violence—whether physical, sexual, or emotional—has remained relatively consistent from the 1960s to today, with first offenses typically occurring during early to mid-adolescence (12–18 years) and often peaking in young adulthood (20–24 years).

Teen Dating Violence (~Ages 13–19)

Recent studies reveal that over 60% of teens report dating violence—peaking between 13–19 years (PMC, BioMed Central).

Verbal aggression often starts around 13–15, while physical/sexual acts begin between 16–17 .

Young Adult IPV (Intimate Partner Violence)

Relationship violence is most prevalent from late teens into early 20s, rising from age 13 to 21 and declining afterward (National Institute of Justice).

First Abuse in Marriage

Globally in developing countries, the average age of first reported IPV within marriage is around 22 years, typically during the first 1–3 years (ResearchGate).

No Clear Downward Shift Since the 1960s

There is no strong evidence suggesting the first commission age has dropped significantly since the 1960s.
While teenage sexual activity has become more common since mid-20th century (e.g., earlier first intercourse ages), dating violence patterns have remained stable, indicating early adolescence remains the critical onset period (Wikipedia).

A KEY:

Household Structure of Offenders

Most adolescents committing dating violence/do so in intact two-parent households; however, living in single-parent or blended families raises the risk, often due to instability or exposure to violence (National Institute of Justice).
While single-parent homes increase risk, a majority of adult offenders still come from dual-parent families, especially when these homes involve domestic violence or emotional trauma.

KEY FINDINGS FROM DATA ON EXPOSURE TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE BY FAMILY STRUCTURE

Here’s an evidence-based synthesis on whether children in two-parent homes are more likely to experience domestic violence than those in single-parent homes:

1. Exposure to Domestic Violence by Family Structure

Children in single-parent households—especially those led by divorced or never-married mothers—are significantly more likely to witness domestic violence than their peers in intact two-parent families. In the U.S., rates among single-mother homes are 144 per 1,000, compared to 19 per 1,000 in married two-parent families—a 7-fold increase (Institute for Family Studies).
However, because two-parent households are more common overall, the absolute number of children exposed in them is actually higher.

2. Abuse Within the Home and Child Maltreatment

Studies show higher rates of child abuse and neglect in single-parent homes, often driven by factors like economic strain, parental stress, or lack of support (PubMed, ResearchGate).
Importantly, single parenthood itself isn’t causal—risk is particularly elevated when combined with poverty and caregiver stress (ResearchGate).

3. Role of Stepparents and Partner Dynamics

Children living with a stepparent or live-in partner face even higher rates of abuse—up to 8–10 times more—than those in intact two-biological-parent homes (National Center for Health Research).
This suggests that family structure matters—but the presence of unstable adult relationships matters more.

✅ Summary: What the Evidence Shows

A child in a violent two-parent household is at greater risk than a child in a peaceful single-parent home.
Single-parent homes, especially under economic stress, have elevated rates of caregiver-perpetrated child abuse.
Stepparents or non-biological adults in the home are associated with significantly higher risks of maltreatment.
The primary determinant of risk is the presence of conflict or violence, not household type alone.

🧭 Policy Implications for STRLDi

Focus on relationship quality, not merely family structure.

Support all families—especially single or blended—from a trauma-informed perspective.

Target households with partner transitions, stepparents, or visible caregiver conflict.

Assist caregivers (single or partnered) facing economic hardship to reduce stress-related violence.

Key Takeaways for STRLDi’s Emotional Readiness Approach

Prevention must begin early—by age 12–13—with emotional education, healthy relationship skills, and consent conversations.
Support families across structures, focusing not only on at-risk homes but also on those with silent trauma.
Sustain interventions through young adulthood (18–24), when first acts of violence often occur, to reinforce emotional resilience and relational readiness.

AGE DISTRIBUTION OF GENDERED VIOLENCE OFFENDERS

Here’s the breakdown of offenders’ ages in gendered violence, distinguishing between perpetrators across different categories and based on global survey data:

1. Teen Dating Violence (Adolescents 13–19)

About 32% of male adolescents (13–19) report perpetrating some form of violence—emotional, physical, or sexual—against dating partners; female adolescents’ rates are approximately half that level (Bureau of Justice Statistics, Wikipedia).
Both male and female teens participate in situational violence, but female violence tends to be less severe and often in self-defense .

2. Young Adults (18–24 & 25–34)

According to the U.S. National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey:
- 47.1% of male IPV offenders begin abuse within the 18–24 age group;
- Another 30.6% are aged 25–34 (DomesticShelters.org, National Centre for Social Research).
Female offenders also appear most often in these early adulthood age ranges, though they often engage in less injurious forms of violence (Wikipedia).

3. Adults (35–44 & 45+)

Offenses decline with age:
- 10.3% of male perpetrators are aged 35–44
- 5.5% are 45 and older (DomesticShelters.org).
Female offender rates similarly decrease in these older age brackets .

Summary Table

Age Group	Male Offenders	Female Offenders
13–17	~15%	Not separately reported (but act in teen surveys)
18–24	47.1%	Highest frequency, typically mutual/situational
25–34	30.6%	Next-highest frequency
35–44	10.3%	Notable decline
45+	5.5%	Further decline

Key Insights

Peak period: The majority of gendered violence offenses are concentrated in young adulthood (18–34).
Rising early: Adolescent teen dating violence begins in mid‑teens, with ~15% of male teens involved.
Decline with maturity: Rates taper significantly after age 35.

Implications for Prevention (STRLDi Context)

Early intervention: Programs must start in early adolescence (12–14), focusing on consent, emotional regulation, and healthy masculinity.

Young adult outreach: Universities, workplaces, and community groups should host support for men aged 18–34.

Lifelong support: Although less frequent, older adults may benefit from long-term relational and emotional development opportunities.

EDUCATIONAL ACHIEVEMENTS DENIED BY GENDERED VIOLENCE

When families are caught in gendered violence, the educational achievements of mothers, sons, and wives are often delayed, diminished, or completely derailed. The effects are not just personal but also systemic—contributing to cycles of illiteracy, unemployment, poor mental health, and intergenerational inequality.

Here’s a structured breakdown of the education-related achievements denied or constrained by gendered violence, globally:

For Mothers

Level of Education	Typical Milestone	Impact of Gendered Violence
Primary Education	Basic literacy, numeracy	May be denied education early due to gender norms or early marriage linked to patriarchal systems
Secondary Education	Foundational career readiness	Often interrupted by domestic abuse, unplanned pregnancy, or spousal control
Tertiary/Adult Education	College, technical skills, adult learning	Access blocked by partners who limit movement or refuse financial support
Lifelong Learning	Continued skills and empowerment	Focus shifts to survival and emotional safety; little bandwidth for self-development

Result: Limited ability to earn, protect dependents, or pass on educational values to children.

For Sons

Level of Education	Typical Milestone	Impact of Gendered Violence
Early Childhood Learning (0–6)	Emotional regulation, learning readiness	Exposure to violence stunts cognitive development and trust in authority figures
Primary School	Basic academic growth	Boys may act out due to trauma, leading to disciplinary actions or school dropouts
Secondary School	Socialization, self-identity, exam performance	May adopt violent masculinities or disengage from school due to home instability
Tertiary & Vocational Training	Skills for career and leadership	Psychological scars or poor academic record from earlier trauma may close doors

Result: The boy may inherit not just the trauma, but also the truncated educational opportunity of his parents.

For Wives / Intimate Partners

Level of Education	Typical Milestone	Impact of Gendered Violence
Adult Education	Returning to school, new certifications	Violence limits time, confidence, or access to pursue advancement
Financial Literacy	Learning to manage household and business finances	Many abused women are deliberately kept uninformed about money matters
Digital Literacy	Accessing opportunities, scholarships, and online safety	Controlled technology use and isolation block exposure to knowledge
Leadership/Advocacy Training	Voice in civic and public spheres	Internalized shame and low self-worth discourage engagement or self-expression

Result: Many women in abusive relationships lose out on becoming independent learners, earners, and decision-makers.

Global Data Highlights

In sub-Saharan Africa, girls who marry before age 18 (often linked to gendered control) are 6 times less likely to complete secondary school.
Globally, nearly two-thirds of illiterate adults are women, many of whom have experienced gendered violence or structural gender barriers.
Studies show that boys exposed to violence at home are twice as likely to be suspended or expelled due to behavioral disruptions rooted in trauma.
In many societies, gender-based violence is a major reason women drop out of tertiary education or avoid evening classes and boarding options.

STRLDi Systems Perspective

Gendered violence suppresses the mental and emotional bandwidth needed to learn, reflect, and grow. The household shifts from a site of curiosity and confidence to one of fear and survival.

“An uneducated mind can still be brilliant—but a fearful mind cannot be free enough to learn.” — STRLDi

🎯 EDUCATIONAL LEVELS NOT ACHIEVED (Victims & Their Children)

Here’s what global data shows regarding educational attainment among those caught in gendered violence, including both victims and perpetrators:

👩 Mothers / Wives

No formal education or only primary school is strongly associated with higher risks of IPV. In India, women with no schooling are 4.6 times more likely to report lifetime IPV than those with 13+ years of education (PMC).
Even secondary education (6–10 years) significantly reduces the IPV risk by 3–10× compared to no schooling .
Globally, most victims are among women with lower than secondary education, especially in regions like sub-Saharan Africa, South Asia, and parts of the Middle East .

🧑‍🦱 Sons

While direct data on sons is limited, exposure to domestic violence correlates with poor school performance, absenteeism, and suspensions (ScienceDirect).
In countries like New Zealand and the UK, youth exposed to violence often drop out or underattain educational milestones, increasing their risk of early violent behavior .

🔍 Educational Levels of Offenders (Perpetrators)

There is a clear inverse relationship between educational level and likelihood of committing IPV (PMC):
- Lower education correlates with higher likelihood to perpetrate violence.
- Offenders are often high school dropouts, unemployed, or stuck with minimal academic qualifications .
WHO confirms that lower education among perpetrators is a known risk factor globally .
The OECD adds that with higher education, individuals face better opportunity costs, reducing the incentive or likelihood of violence .

🗓️ Summary Table: Education & Gendered Violence

Group	*Education Likely Not* Achieved**	Education Level Associated with Offending
Mothers/Wives	Secondary school or less (especially no formal education) (PMC)	—
Sons	Secondary completion, often disrupted school experience	—
Offenders	High school or less; often low qualifications, unemployment	More education = reduced IPV risk

✅ Conclusion

Lower-educated mothers (primary or no schooling) are disproportionately vulnerable to gendered violence.
Sons growing up in such environments often fail to reach secondary education and face increased risk of violence.
Offenders are typically undereducated, with high-school non-completion and unemployment contributing to their risk.

🔑 Educational attainment is a clear protective factor—for victims, their children, and potential perpetrators. Higher education is strongly linked to reduced incidence and reduced severity of gendered violence.

LEVELS OF ACHIEVEMENT DENIED BY GENDERED VIOLENCE

This is a profound systems thinking question—and one that exposes how gendered violence doesn’t just harm individuals, but also delays or denies entire developmental milestones for mothers, sons, and wives across personal, relational, economic, and civic life.

Here’s a breakdown of the key levels of human and societal achievement that are compromised when individuals are caught in cycles of gendered violence:

👩‍👧 For Mothers

Achievement Level	Description	How Gendered Violence Undermines It
Emotional Safety	Ability to raise children from a place of internal calm and protection	Fear, trauma, and instability are passed on emotionally and behaviorally
Parental Authority	Confidence to parent without coercion or silence	May resort to fear or submission rather than healthy boundary-setting
Economic Stability	Full participation in work, entrepreneurship, or land rights	Abuse often includes financial control and isolation
Generational Legacy	Raising emotionally resilient children	Sons may become aggressors; daughters may normalize submission

🧑‍🦱 For Sons

Achievement Level	Description	How Gendered Violence Undermines It
Emotional Maturity	Ability to process emotions and resolve conflict peacefully	Grows up seeing dominance, suppression, or manipulation as normal
Healthy Masculine Identity	Confidence to be strong and vulnerable	Feels pressure to prove manhood through control or aggression
Relational Readiness	Capacity to love, protect, and share leadership with a partner	Associates intimacy with power or emotional withdrawal
Civic Leadership	Becoming protectors of community and justice	Trauma may reappear as aggression or emotional detachment from society

👩 For Wives / Intimate Partners

Achievement Level	Description	How Gendered Violence Undermines It
Self-Worth	Deep internal sense of dignity and worthiness of love	Abuse distorts self-perception and reinforces shame
Emotional Reciprocity	Experiencing mutual emotional investment	Violence shifts the relationship into survival mode
Voice in Relationship	Ability to express opinions and needs without fear	Silencing becomes normalized; conflict resolution breaks down
Safety in Intimacy	Physical and emotional freedom to be vulnerable	Closeness becomes a source of anxiety or threat rather than joy

🌍 Wider Systemic Impact

National Productivity Loss – Individuals entangled in trauma and violence may underperform in education, work, and innovation.
Cycle of Poverty – Violence reduces long-term economic choices for women and children.
Generational Trauma – Violence is often passed down, disrupting growth for decades.
Civic Disengagement – Survivors may avoid leadership, activism, or political participation.

🧭 A Systems Thinking Reflection

When gendered violence enters a household, it intercepts the emotional, spiritual, and social growth that each member was meant to achieve. The family becomes a site of damage control, not a launchpad for contribution.

Healing gendered violence is not just about ending pain—it’s about restoring the human potential that violence disrupts.

4. RANK COUNTRIES WHERE CONDITIONS THAT FUEL GENDERED VIOLENCE ARE MOST PRESENT:

To answer your question meaningfully, we must base the ranking on countries where the conditions that fuel gendered violence—as outlined in our discussion—are most present. These include:

Strong patriarchal and traditional gender role expectations

High substance abuse rates among men (especially alcohol)

Cultural stigma against male vulnerability and emotional expression

Low mental health literacy and poor emotional education

Weak legal protections for women and low enforcement of laws against domestic violence

Societal tolerance of violence as a form of control or correction

Based on these indicators, using available global data (e.g., UN Women, WHO, World Bank reports, and Global Gender Gap Reports), here is a descending order of regions and countries more susceptible to gendered violence along these lines of reasoning:

🔺 Most Susceptible

Afghanistan – Extremely patriarchal, systemic control of women, and normalization of violence as correction.

South Sudan – Conflict zone, high male trauma, weak institutions, and forced gender roles.

Democratic Republic of Congo – Longstanding violence, alcohol abuse, impunity, and male trauma.

Papua New Guinea – One of the highest rates of gendered violence globally; strong norms about male dominance.

Somalia – Deeply entrenched gender norms, ongoing conflict, and male trauma.

India (rural) – While urban areas are shifting, many rural regions still enforce strong patriarchy, and female “disobedience” is met with corrective violence.

Nigeria (Northern and conflict-affected areas) – Strong gender expectations, religious rigidity, and rising male displacement/trauma.

Pakistan – Family honor systems, heavy male emotional repression, and gender-based control through violence.

Russia – High male alcohol abuse, emotional suppression, weak domestic violence laws.

South Africa – One of the highest GBV rates globally; trauma, male identity crisis, and substance abuse are key drivers.

🔻 Moderately Susceptible

Brazil – High femicide rates, gang culture, alcohol use, and masculine dominance.

Mexico – Femicide, cartel-linked violence, and cultural machismo contribute to high gendered violence.

Bangladesh – Domestic violence linked to traditional gender norms and lack of emotional literacy.

Iran – Strong patriarchal control, criminalization of women’s independence.

Indonesia (rural and conservative regions) – Some provinces enforce rigid gender codes, leading to hidden abuse.

🔽 Lower Risk, but not immune

United States (certain communities) – Pockets of toxic masculinity, gun access, and high male suicide/violence rates, especially among veterans.

United Kingdom – Lower incidence overall, but growing concern about male mental health, emotional suppression, and coercive control.

France – High-profile femicides have sparked reform, but male dominance persists culturally.

Australia – Strong GBV awareness, but rural areas still show patriarchal behaviors and alcohol-fueled violence.

Sweden/Norway – Among the lowest globally, but occasional backlash from men who feel displaced in gender-equal societies (manifesting as control-related violence).

⚠️ Note:

No country is free of gendered violence.
Ranking reflects susceptibility based on the psychological and cultural pathways we discussed, not just raw statistics.
Conflict, displacement, addiction, patriarchy, and silence around male vulnerability are strong predictors.

5. KEY SHIFTS THAT REDUCE GENDERED VIOLENCE

Across Messages, Life Experiences, and Outcomes

For Both Mothers and Sons

This is a powerful systems-level question—and the heart of transforming intergenerational patterns of gendered violence.

To shift away from gendered violence, both mothers and sons must experience new messages, relationships, and emotional tools that interrupt old cycles and create new norms.

Below is a structured response identifying:

🔹 1. Message Shift: From “Power = Control” to “Power = Emotional Wholeness”

Group	Harmful Message	Transformational Message
Mothers	“Raise a strong man who doesn’t cry.”	“Raise a whole man who knows how to feel, speak, and listen.”
Sons	“Don’t be soft. Control the situation.”	“Strength is knowing your emotions, not fearing them.”

✅ Outcome: Sons are taught emotional regulation, not suppression. Mothers value inner strength, not dominance.

🔹 2. Experience Shift: From Emotional Silence to Shared Emotional Language

Group	Past Experience	New Experience
Mothers	Had no safe space to speak their own pain.	Are supported to express trauma, grief, and joy—modeling openness.
Sons	Grow up seeing emotions ignored or punished.	See caregivers name feelings, resolve conflict with words, and apologize.

✅ Outcome: Sons normalize vulnerability. Mothers break their own silence and show healing is possible.

🔹 3. Role Model Shift: From Fear-Based Roles to Nurturing Strength

Group	Old Role	New Role
Mothers	Sacrificial caregiver who “endures” abuse to keep the family together.	Empowered woman who sets boundaries, seeks support, and models dignity.
Sons	Enforcer who must never appear weak.	Connector who is allowed to be protected, to feel, and to share care.

✅ Outcome: Sons learn that nurturing is not gendered. Mothers lead not through suffering but through self-respect.

🔹 4. Cultural Outcome Shift: From Repetition to Regeneration

Element	Before	After
Family Norms	Boys are trained to dominate; girls to endure.	Both are trained to empathize, self-regulate, and speak truth.
Community	Covers violence with silence.	Intervenes with support, accountability, and education.

✅ Outcome: Intergenerational transmission of trauma slows. New stories are created—where relationships are safe, whole, and respectful.

🔸 In Summary:

To reduce gendered violence, we need:

Mothers who are healed, supported, and empowered—not overburdened martyrs.
Sons who are raised to feel, not fear their humanity.
Communities that replace silence with skill and dominance with dialogue.

SINGLE-PARENT HOUSEHOLDS

Here’s what global and regional data suggest regarding single-parent households, the transmission of patriarchal messages, and their link to gendered violence:

🌍 1. Father Absence & Boys’ Behavioral Risks

In countries like the U.S., about 1 in 4 children lives without a biological/adoptive father—especially boys are more likely to exhibit behavioral issues in school and engage in delinquency (Medium, fatherhood.org).
A long-term study across multiple countries (U.S., U.K., Mexico) found that boys raised outside two-parent homes experience worse outcomes in emotional sensitivity and self-control (The New Yorker).

Key takeaway: Father absence correlates with higher risk of emotional suppression and aggressive behavior in sons—but this effect is not universal or deterministic.

🧠 2. Single Mothers & Patriarchal Messaging

Qualitative studies (e.g., in South Africa) highlight that some single mothers, navigating survival in patriarchal contexts, emphasize that sons must be strong, independent, and respected (SciELO).
However, research also shows many single mothers adopt emotionally supportive approaches—fostering sons who are more emotionally aware and less prone to violence. One U.S. expert affirms: “Boys with strong maternal attachment … resist unhealthy peer pressures” .
Contrary to stereotypes, a Medium review of multiple studies finds that single-parent results are mixed—many boys from single-parent homes fare as well, or better, than those from two-parent homes (SciELO).

⚖️ 3. Regional Variation & Supportive Contexts

In Global South countries, father absence is more strongly linked to increased GBV risk—particularly in settings with weak social support and rigid gender norms (ResearchGate).
However, interventions promoting fathers’ early involvement (e.g., paid paternity leave) significantly improve outcomes in boys’ emotional regulation—a protective factor against violence .

📝 Summary Table

Insight	Evidence
Father absence increases risk	Boys in father-absent homes show higher rates of behavioral issues and emotional suppression (theessentialman.net)
Single mothers vary	Some reinforce patriarchal scripts, others promote emotional literacy
Context matters	GBV linked to father absence mainly in patriarchal, resource-poor regions
Policies help	Father-inclusive interventions (paternity leave, early caregiving) reduce negative outcomes

✅ Conclusion

The statement “single mothers are likely to voice that men should be ‘in charge’…” is sometimes true, but largely context-dependent.
Father absence can increase the risk that boys internalize patriarchal norms and rigid masculinity.
But many single mothers help create emotionally responsible sons, especially when supported by social and policy structures.
The key: family environment + cultural support systems + fatherhood involvement = reduced risk of gendered violence.

A KEY

WHAT IT TAKES FOR A BOY TO RESIST HARMFUL MASCULINITY SCRIPTS

For a boy raised by a mother who says things like “Don’t let anyone disrespect you” to resist equating masculinity with dominance, emotional suppression, and control, he needs counterforces that introduce new narratives, emotional experiences, and role models.

Here’s a structured breakdown:

🔹 1. Reframing the Message – Not Rejecting the Mother

The boy doesn’t need to resent or reject his mother’s message. Instead, he needs help to re-interpret it:

“Don’t let anyone disrespect you” →
“Respect yourself, and learn to walk away without violence.”

✅ What helps:

A mentor (uncle, coach, teacher, father figure) who teaches that self-respect is inner strength, not domination.
Conversations where assertiveness is separated from aggression.

🔹 2. Exposure to Emotionally Literate Male Role Models

If the home message is to be “strong” by suppressing emotion, the boy must see strength in emotional awareness elsewhere.

✅ What helps:

Male teachers or coaches who show empathy.
Faith leaders or community elders who express care, regret, and vulnerability.
Books, films, or stories where male heroes cry, nurture, and forgive.

🔹 3. Emotional Literacy Training

He needs to learn the names, meanings, and responses to his emotions—especially anger, shame, grief, and fear.

✅ What helps:

School-based SEL (Social-Emotional Learning) programs.
Therapy or boys’ support groups.
Mothers who, over time, say:
“It’s okay to feel. What are you feeling right now?”
“Crying isn’t weakness—it’s a human release.”

🔹 4. A New Definition of Masculinity

He needs to be told—and shown—that being a man is not about power over others, but responsibility, emotional courage, and dignity.

✅ What helps:

Statements like:
- “Real men know when to walk away.”
- “It takes more strength to pause than to punch.”
- “You don’t need to win the fight to keep your worth.”
Community ceremonies that celebrate emotional growth (rites of passage, storytelling circles, etc.)

🔹 5. Safe Spaces to Practice Respect & Expression

Without safe settings to try new behaviors, the boy will fall back into old scripts.

✅ What helps:

Peer circles where kindness is not mocked.
Conflict resolution exercises at school or church.
Guided family conversations where mothers model apology, forgiveness, and reflection.

🔸 In Summary:

To resist the pull of dominance and suppression, a boy needs:

Need	How It’s Met
💬 New messages	Reframing strength as emotional intelligence
👥 New models	Emotionally expressive men he admires
🧠 Emotional vocabulary	Through therapy, school programs, or guided parenting
🛠 Practice environments	School, peer groups, mentorship programs
❤️ Affirmation	Not for toughness, but for authenticity and restraint

FROM BOYHOOD TO EMOTIONAL READINESS: A JOURNEY OF MASCULINE GROWTH & THE ROLE OF WOMEN

Tracing a boy’s journey from birth to emotional readiness for intimacy.

A synthesis inspired by Fascinating Womanhood and contemporary emotional development research

I. Introduction

In Fascinating Womanhood, Helen Andelin suggests that men are naturally drawn to look up to women—not in a hierarchical sense, but in a way that gives meaning to their masculinity. She writes:

“A man wants to look up to his woman… to feel that in loving her, he becomes more of a man.”

This pedestal, as described by Andelin, is not one of dominance or perfection, but of feminine dignity and inspiration. When a woman falters—not by imperfection, but by losing connection with her intrinsic worth—some men, especially those emotionally unready, may react with frustration or even violence. They mistake her fall as their own disorientation.

Andelin would argue: the man’s violent reaction is not an act of strength but of emotional confusion—a distorted plea for the woman to “rise again” so he may find direction through her presence.

But how does such a man come to rely so completely on a woman for his sense of worth? And how might that pattern be healed?

The answer lies in understanding the emotional development of a boy—from infancy to manhood—and how messages, experiences, and role models shape whether he grows into an emotionally secure man capable of loving without control.

II. The Boy’s Journey Toward Emotional Readiness

🔹 1. Infancy & Early Childhood (0–6 years): “Who will protect and affirm me?”

Emotional Need: Unconditional love, safety, and emotional naming.
Risk: If raised in silence, trauma, or instability, the boy may confuse love with performance or power.
Message Often Given: “Don’t cry. Be brave.”
Transformative Shift: Caregivers who model tenderness and name feelings.

“When a child is comforted in his tears, he learns that strength includes softness.”

🔹 2. Middle Childhood (7–12 years): “How do I handle feelings of shame, weakness, or rejection?”

Emotional Need: Mentoring in emotional self-regulation.
Risk: Without it, he turns to denial, control, or aggression.
Common Message: “Don’t let anyone disrespect you.”
Transformative Shift: Mentors who reframe strength: “Walking away is strength. Listening is leadership.”

Fascinating Womanhood reminds us that men are drawn to the gentler qualities in women—because they speak to the softer parts of themselves that were not allowed to grow.

🔹 3. Adolescence (13–20 years): “What does it mean to be a man?”

Emotional Need: A new masculine script—one that includes emotional fluency, reflection, and restraint.
Risk: Without alternatives, he may internalize dominance, control, and emotional suppression.
Common Role Model: The emotionally disconnected “tough guy.”
Transformative Shift: Exposure to emotionally secure men, emotional education in schools, and deep male friendships.

This is the stage where a boy begins to seek women not only for validation but as mirrors of his worth. If unready, her perceived “fall” off the pedestal feels like a loss of self.

🔹 4. Young Adulthood (21–35 years): “Am I ready to love without control?”

Emotional Readiness: A man is ready for intimacy when he no longer needs to be in control of a woman to feel strong.
Signs of Readiness:
- He can express his fears without violence.
- He knows how to stay present when hurt.
- He does not interpret disagreement as disrespect.
Transformative Milestone: Recognizing that he stands on his own inner pedestal—no longer needing her to prop him up.

“The pedestal,” as Andelin implies, “is not something the man builds for the woman. It is something she accepts with dignity. And he is drawn upward toward her, not because she demands it, but because she inspires it.”

III. Conclusion: Toward a New Partnership

If a boy is never allowed to feel—never given language for hurt or failure—he grows into a man who mistakes dominance for love. In that confusion, when the woman he admires falters, he lashes out—not from cruelty, but from fear.

To break the cycle, we must raise boys with the emotional tools to stay grounded even when others fall. And we must remind women—especially mothers—that their most powerful gift to sons is not toughness, but tenderness that teaches strength with softness.

Only then can men rise without control, and women remain on the pedestal not out of pressure, but out of peace.

Certainly. Here is a professional and cordial narrative tracing the emotional development of the girl-child—from birth to emotional readiness for intimate partnership—grounded in the spirit of Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin.

FROM GIRLHOOD TO GRACEFUL WOMANHOOD: A JOURNEY OF EMOTIONAL READINESS

Inspired by Fascinating Womanhood and contemporary emotional development models

I. Introduction

Helen Andelin, in Fascinating Womanhood, writes with deep conviction that a woman’s greatest influence lies not in competing with men, but in embracing her intrinsic worth—her softness, her charm, her inner strength, and her ability to inspire love through dignity.

“To be loved deeply, a woman does not need to be perfect. She needs to be feminine.”

This femininity is not superficial. It is a state of emotional maturity—one in which a woman knows her value, expresses her needs without resentment, and holds herself on the pedestal before anyone else does.

But how does a girl come to know and live out this truth? What early messages, experiences, and transitions enable her to arrive at adulthood emotionally ready to love without losing herself?

II. The Girl’s Journey Toward Emotional Readiness

🔹 1. Infancy & Early Childhood (0–6 years): “Am I safe to be tender, expressive, and loved?”

Emotional Need: To feel emotionally mirrored and safe in softness.
Risk: If punished for expressing sadness, anger, or curiosity, she may grow guarded or overly accommodating.
Common Harm: Told to “be quiet,” “smile,” or “not be difficult.”
Transformative Shift: Affirmation that her feelings are valid and her presence brings joy.

“A woman’s charm begins with her inner contentment. It is not taught—it is awakened.” —Fascinating Womanhood

✅ Key support: A nurturing adult who delights in her emotional honesty and teaches boundaries through love, not fear.

🔹 2. Middle Childhood (7–12 years): “Can I express needs without fear of rejection?”

Emotional Need: To develop a voice—asking for help, saying no, showing preference.
Risk: She may be praised only for obedience, self-sacrifice, or pleasing others.
Common Harm: Rewarded for being “the good girl” at the cost of self-awareness.
Transformative Shift: Empowerment to say, “I don’t like that” or “I need space,” and still feel loved.

“To be truly fascinating, a woman must not be passive, but have inner poise. Poise comes from self-respect.”

✅ Key support: Adults who model assertive, not aggressive, communication and uphold her boundaries without shame.

🔹 3. Adolescence (13–20 years): “Is my worth intrinsic or conditional?”

Emotional Need: To separate her value from her appearance, approval, or performance.
Risk: She may equate validation with romantic attention, perfection, or male gaze.
Common Harm: Believes she must compete, sexualize, or self-abandon to be loved.
Transformative Shift: Learning that worth is not earned—it is inhabited.

“A woman may win a man’s admiration with beauty, but she wins his love with warmth, dignity, and childlike joy.”

✅ Key support: Mentors and female elders who reflect her natural strengths and do not romanticize suffering or silence.

🔹 4. Young Adulthood (21–35 years): “Can I love without losing myself?”

Emotional Readiness:
- She knows her needs and can express them.
- She is drawn to love, not dependency.
- She understands that pedestal is not a performance, but a place she claims through her values.
Key Traits:
- Emotional boundaries with openness.
- Grace under disappointment.
- Capacity to receive without guilt and give without depletion.

“It is not the strong woman who is loved most, but the woman who is tender, radiant, and dignified.”

✅ Key support: A community and inner circle that honours her wholeness, not her usefulness.

III. Conclusion: Becoming the Woman Who Stays on Her Own Pedestal

A girl becomes emotionally ready for partnership not when she learns to win love—but when she learns to hold love without abandoning herself.

She does not wait for a man to place her on the pedestal. She stands there first—with grace, not arrogance; with self-knowledge, not pride. In doing so, she becomes what Fascinating Womanhood envisioned:

“A woman so secure in her value that she brings out the noblest in a man—not because she demands it, but because she inspires it.”

WHAT EMOTIONAL READY PARTNERS DO: IN GOOD TIMES AND BAD TIMES

When both partners are emotionally mature, they live out the vows of love in real, embodied ways:

In Good Times: They celebrate without competition. They remain curious, grateful, and emotionally available.
In Bad Times: They anchor, not attack. They listen before reacting. They face pain together.
In Sickness: They offer care with dignity, not resentment.
In Health: They grow and deepen the relationship.
Until Death: They live with daily intention, leaving a legacy of peace and emotional courage.

The Emotionally Ready Partnership: What They Can Expect to Do

When a man and a woman are emotionally readied—each standing on their own pedestal as described above—they are prepared not just to love one another, but to grow through life’s deepest challenges and most beautiful seasons.

Their union becomes a covenant of emotional maturity, not a contract of unmet needs. Here is what they can expect to do—for themselves and each other—in good times, bad times, in sickness, in health, and until death parts them:

🔹 1. In Good Times: They Celebrate Without Losing Themselves

They will…

Share joy without competing for credit.
Be generous in love without fearing vulnerability.
Affirm each other’s growth and success as shared wins.
Avoid complacency by nurturing the emotional bond—not just the comforts of success.

“They remain fascinated by one another—not because the other is flawless, but because they stay emotionally present, playful, and grateful.”

🔹 2. In Bad Times: They Anchor, Not Attack

They will…

Respond to conflict with listening before reacting.
Name pain without assigning blame.
Ask, “What’s hurting us?” instead of “Who’s wrong?”
Honour each other’s need for space, comfort, or quiet.
Stand with one another when the world seems to be against them.

“Because each knows who they are, they do not fear each other’s pain or frustration. They walk through it—not around it.”

🔹 3. In Sickness: They Stay Tender, Not Tired

They will…

Offer care as an act of love, not duty.
Hold the other’s dignity intact even when strength fades.
Be emotionally available, not just physically present.
Recognize that weakness in one does not mean strength must disappear in the other.

“They become a sanctuary—not a burden—for one another’s vulnerability.”

🔹 4. In Health: They Grow, Not Just Maintain

They will…

Invest in the emotional and spiritual health of the relationship.
Speak gratitude aloud—not just assume it.
Continue to learn about each other with curiosity.
Remain faithful not only in presence, but in emotional availability.

“They don’t just stay together—they deepen, soften, and expand together.”

🔹 5. Till Death Do Us Part: They Part With Peace, Not Regret

They will…

Live with daily intention, not assumption.
Resolve conflicts as they go—not let resentments grow old.
Celebrate memories and build a legacy of kindness.
Be remembered not for perfection—but for the grace with which they chose each other, over and over again.

“They loved with dignity, served with tenderness, and departed with peace.”

🔸 In Summary:

When emotionally ready, they will:

In Life Stage	They Will…
Good Times	Celebrate, not compete
Bad Times	Anchor, not attack
Sickness	Care, not collapse
Health	Grow, not coast
Parting	Release, not resent

Because their love is not built on fantasy, fear, or need—but on emotional maturity, mutual honour, and self-knowledge.

6. WHEN EMOTIONAL READINESS FAILS: TRANSGRESSIONS & TRAUMAS

When these journeys break down, and emotional unreadiness remains unaddressed, we often see:

Cheating and betrayal.
Physical or emotional violence.
Co-dependency and control.

These are not merely relationship issues. They are indicators of deep, unhealed emotional wounds—from unresolved childhood scripts to trauma disguised as tradition.

WHEN TRANSGRESSIONS OCCUR: A TWO-PART HEALING FRAMEWORK

Stage 1: Recovery

Individuals: Seek safety, name the truth, engage in trauma-informed care.
Families: Break silence, support without shame, hold space for healing.
Nation: Fund support services, create trauma-aware institutions, train leaders in emotional literacy.

Stage 2: Rebuilding Emotional Readiness

Individuals: Learn emotional vocabulary, seek mentors, rebuild trust capacity.
Families: Normalize dialogue, model vulnerability, support rites of passage.
Nation: Integrate emotional education into schools, promote restorative justice, shift cultural narratives.

HOW TO DEAL WITH TRANSGRESSIONS

This is an important and deeply healing inquiry. When the journey toward emotional readiness in boys and girls does not happen, and transgressions such as cheating, betrayal, emotional or physical violence take place, it is still possible—at personal, family, and national levels—to:

Initiate a process of emotional recovery, and

Guide the individuals back onto a path of emotional maturation.

Below is a structured response that addresses both stages, with suggested actions for individuals, families, and national structures.

🛠️ I. Stage One: Recovery from Hurt, Betrayal, or Violence

Goal: To stop the cycle of harm and begin healing—physically, emotionally, relationally.

🔹 1. For the Affected Individual (Young or Old Adults)

Steps:

Create distance from harm (physical and emotional safety first).
Name what happened (truth-telling restores clarity and agency).
Access trauma-informed counseling or therapy.
Separate identity from the wound: “This happened to me. It is not me.”
Avoid rushed reconciliation; healing must precede rebuilding.

“No intimacy can grow from fear. Healing is the soil from which true readiness emerges.”

🔹 2. For Families

Steps:

Break silence – Do not normalize violence or betrayal by minimizing it.
Listen without judgment – Especially to daughters who have stayed silent out of shame.
Avoid blame – Especially toward women who stayed or men who broke down.
Provide support, not pressure – Don’t push for quick forgiveness or reunion.
Invite male and female elders who embody emotional maturity to walk with the affected parties.

“The family must become a circle of truth and tenderness, not a court of punishment.”

🔹 3. For National and Community Structures

Steps:

Provide shelters and trauma response teams (especially for victims of domestic violence or emotional collapse).
Establish village/community healing circles.
Train first responders, health workers, and teachers in trauma-informed care.
Fund confidential counseling access, especially for youth and low-income families.
Encourage faith and cultural leaders to address the issue publicly with wisdom and compassion.

“A nation must treat its wounded with dignity. Healing is public work as much as private pain.”

🌱 II. Stage Two: Guiding Individuals Back to Emotional Readiness

Goal: To rebuild the inner world of the person so they can live, love, and partner without fear, dominance, or self-abandonment.

🔹 1. For the Affected Individual

Steps:

Engage in emotional education: Learn emotional vocabulary, triggers, boundaries.
Develop reflective practices: Journaling, therapy, prayer, guided self-dialogue.
Create a community of emotional safety: Safe friendships, mentors, group work.
Forgive self for either the harm done or harm absorbed—without bypassing responsibility.
Rebuild relational capacity: Learn healthy communication, trust-building, and conflict resolution.

“Healing doesn’t make you the person you were. It makes you the person you were meant to become.”

🔹 2. For Families

Steps:

Normalize emotional learning—not just discipline, but dialogue.
Model vulnerability—parents speaking about their own healing and mistakes.
Offer structured rites of passage: Ceremonies, mentorships, symbolic transitions into maturity.
Create storytelling spaces: Where both wounds and wisdom are shared.

“Families that heal aloud raise children who know how to face life with open eyes and soft hearts.”

🔹 3. For National and Community Structures

Steps:

Include emotional literacy in national education curricula.
Support long-term reintegration programs for those who’ve caused or experienced harm (e.g. trauma recovery, men’s accountability circles).
Train community leaders in restorative justice, not just punitive systems.
Build national campaigns that deconstruct harmful masculinity/femininity and promote readiness-based relationships.

“A nation that invests in emotional readiness is preparing its citizens not just to survive—but to love well, lead wisely, and live peacefully.”

🧭 Summary: A Two-Part Recovery & Readiness Roadmap

Stage	Individual	Family	National Structure
I. Recovery	Stop harm, name it, seek trauma support	Listen, don’t judge, offer safety	Provide trauma services, shelters, public education
II. Readiness	Emotional learning, new community, relational repair	Model healing, create safe storytelling	Educate, reintegrate, restore dignity through systemic tools

Would you like this roadmap formatted into a healing and emotional readiness guide—for families, community leaders, or policy use?

THE ROLE POVERTY PLAYS IN DEVELOPING EMOTIONAL READINESS

Poverty and low income don’t just limit material access; they deeply affect emotional development:

Challenges:

Chronic stress keeps families in survival mode, limiting emotional presence.
Parents under strain may become emotionally absent, even if physically present.
Emotional literacy resources (therapy, school counselors) are often inaccessible.
Cultural messaging in poor communities often glorifies toughness over vulnerability.

What Low-Income Families Can Do:

Build emotional routines at home: ask about feelings daily.
Model self-regulation: admit mistakes and express emotions calmly.
Use free community resources: churches, mentors, clubs.
Celebrate presence, not possessions: prioritize emotional anchoring.
Form parent circles or find community elders to guide with wisdom.

Emotional resilience doesn’t require wealth—it requires intention.

This is an essential question—because poverty and low income don’t just affect material well-being; they also shape emotional development in profound, often invisible ways.

Let’s unpack it in two parts:

🔍 Part 1: How Poverty Affects the Emotional Readiness Journey

1. Chronic Stress & Survival Mode

Low-income families live under constant pressure: food insecurity, unstable housing, unsafe neighborhoods, and health risks.
This often triggers a “fight or flight” survival response in both adults and children.
Result: children may develop hyper-vigilance, emotional numbness, or aggressive defenses, mistaking these for strength.

When survival is the priority, emotional development can feel like a luxury—even though it’s a necessity.

2. Emotionally Absent Caregivers

Parents working multiple jobs or facing emotional burnout may be physically present but emotionally unavailable.
Children may internalize emotional neglect as “my feelings don’t matter,” leading to emotional suppression or withdrawal.

3. Limited Access to Emotional Literacy Resources

Fewer opportunities for therapy, counseling, SEL (social-emotional learning) programs.
Schools in low-income areas often lack trained counselors or emotional development curricula.

4. Cultural Messaging Around Toughness

In many low-income communities, “toughness” is a survival skill—especially for boys.
Crying or reflecting may be seen as weak, dangerous, or irrelevant to daily struggles.

🌱 Part 2: What Low-Income Families Can Do to Foster Emotional Resilience

Despite these challenges, many low-income families raise emotionally strong, stable children by being intentional in these ways:

🔹 1. Create a Daily Culture of Emotional Expression at Home

Ask simple reflective questions: “What made you happy today?” or “Did anything make you feel small?”
Normalize both anger and sadness. Don’t silence; name and guide it.

💡 Emotional literacy doesn’t cost money—it costs time and intention.

🔹 2. Model Emotional Regulation

Let children see healthy conflict: “I’m upset, but I’m going to breathe and talk when I’m calm.”
Apologize when you react poorly: “I was stressed, but I shouldn’t have shouted. I’m sorry.”

Children don’t need perfect parents—they need parents who model growth.

🔹 3. Use Community Resources Creatively

Free youth clubs, churches, school counselors, or community centers can become places of mentorship and emotional safety.
Encourage participation in storytelling, drama, or music programs—spaces where feelings can be expressed constructively.

🔹 4. Choose Emotional Anchors Over Material Ones

Build routines (bedtime stories, Sunday chats, shared meals) that give children emotional predictability—even in chaos.
Celebrate presence, not possessions: “I’m proud of how you handled your emotions,” not “I’ll buy you something because you were good.”

🔹 5. Connect With Other Emotionally Conscious Parents

Form “parent circles” to share struggles, stories, and practices.
Where possible, attend local parenting workshops or faith-based family sessions on communication and healing.

✅ Summary Table

Challenge from Poverty	Emotional Strategy
Survival stress	Practice deep breathing, storytelling, and simple emotional check-ins daily
Absent time/energy	Make 10 minutes of undivided emotional attention a daily non-negotiable
No formal resources	Use community elders, clubs, and storytelling for emotional teaching
Culture of silence	Break the cycle by naming feelings and modeling calm conflict

✨ Final Thought

Poverty makes emotional readiness harder—but not impossible. What matters most is not wealth, but emotional modeling, presence, and the language of dignity.

A low-income family that teaches its children to name feelings, listen with compassion, and stand in their truth builds a richer legacy than any material inheritance.

WHY THESE PATTERNS PERSIST: THE ORIGIN OF GENDERED MESSAGES

The voice that says “Real men don’t cry” often comes from both men and women—especially mothers compensating in father-absent homes.
The idea that “women must keep the family together at all costs” is also often passed down by other women who endured suffering and survival.

When such scripts are not consciously rewritten, they pass silently from one generation to the next.

A GLOBAL PERSPECTIVE: WHERE GENDERED VIOLENCE THRIVES THE MOST

Based on indicators like patriarchy, male emotional repression, substance abuse, and weak institutional responses, countries such as Afghanistan, South Sudan, DR Congo, Papua New Guinea, Somalia, and parts of India, Nigeria, and Pakistan are most vulnerable.

A heatmap model shows that countries with high male trauma, normalized control-based masculinity, and weak trauma support have the highest risks for gendered violence.

Conclusion: Standing on Our Own Pedestals

In Fascinating Womanhood, Andelin reminds us that love rooted in dignity, grace, and inner strength has the power to transform. But that love must come from two emotionally ready people. When men and women are raised, restored, and supported through emotional wholeness, relationships become redemptive, not destructive.

At STRLDi, we believe the future of national stability, healthy families, and social peace lies in this emotional readiness.

Let us raise a generation that knows how to feel, how to heal, and how to love well.

7. COUNTRIES WITH LEAST SPACE FOR GENDERED VIOLENCE

Here’s a focused overview of countries where gendered violence has the least space to thrive—based on legally enforced protections, cultural attitude, and overall gender equality indexes.

Global Gender Gap 2024 ranked Iceland #1 (93.5%), followed by Finland (#2), Norway (#3), Sweden (#5) (weforum.org).
Women, Peace & Security Index (2023/24) placed Denmark (0.932), Switzerland (0.928), and Sweden (0.926) among the top performers (en.wikipedia.org).
These countries combine strong legal protections, broad social support systems, high emotional literacy, and minimal societal tolerance for violence—creating environments where gendered violence struggles to persist.

2. Western Europe (Austria, Spain, Germany, UK, France)

These nations report some of the lowest rates of reported IPV in the OECD group (around 13%) .
Recognized as very safe for women travelers, Spain and Austria consistently score high on safety indices (nypost.com).
They balance gender parity with effective law enforcement and cultural norms against domestic violence.

3. New Zealand

Global Gender Gap ranks New Zealand #4 (83.5%) .
Consistently features among the top 10 in Women, Peace & Security Index .
Strong legal frameworks, proactive prevention, and mature gender norms limit space for gendered violence.

4. Namibia (regional standout)

Ranks #8 globally on the Global Gender Gap at 80.5% (globalvoices.org).
This shows significant progress in Sub-Saharan Africa, driven by supportive policies and growing gender awareness.

Key Characteristics of These Countries

Strong Laws + Effective Enforcement
Comprehensive domestic violence statutes are well implemented, reducing both prevalence and acceptance of IPV .

Cultural Rejection of Violence
Deep societal belief in gender equality and emotional intelligence doubles as a preventive cultural force.

Robust Support Systems
Access to mental health services, trauma-informed care, parenting education, and community dialogue systems.

High Emotional Literacy
Schools teach SEL (social-emotional learning), and public discourse normalizes vulnerability and healthy relationships.

Summary: Where Gendered Violence Can’t Thrive

Iceland, Norway, Denmark, Sweden, Finland – Unmatched global leaders in gender equality and safety.
Western Europe (Austria, Spain, Germany, UK, France) – Low rates of IPV; cultural norm against domestic abuse.
New Zealand – Legal parity, social support, public campaigns, and prevention programs.
Namibia – A rising example in the Global South with strong gender equality policies.

DISTINCTION BETWEEN GENDERED VIOLENCE AND GBV

Yes, gendered violence and gender-based violence (GBV) are related but distinct in emphasis. Here’s a clear breakdown:

1. Gender-Based Violence (GBV):

Definition:
Violence directed at a person based on their gender identity, gender expression, or perceived gender roles.

Key Points:

Broad umbrella term.
Includes all forms of violence that are rooted in power imbalances related to gender.
Often used in international law, human rights, and development contexts.
Affects women, men, non-binary, and LGBTQ+ individuals.

Examples:

Domestic violence
Rape
Forced marriage
Female genital mutilation
Violence against LGBTQ+ persons

2. Gendered Violence:

Definition:
Violence that is shaped by or understood through the social construction of gender roles. It reflects how societies assign meaning to masculinity and femininity.

Key Points:

Emphasizes how gender norms produce or justify violence.
Focuses more on the mechanism: how being seen as a “man” or “woman” creates specific vulnerabilities or expectations that lead to violence.
Often used in academic, feminist, or sociological discussions.

Examples:

A man using violence to “reassert control” because of beliefs about male dominance.
A woman being attacked for stepping outside “submissive” roles.
Violence against men who don’t conform to dominant notions of masculinity.

In Summary:

GBV is the legal/human rights term—focused on violence because of gender.
Gendered violence is the sociological lens—focused on how gender norms produce violence.

Here’s a short WhatsApp-style version:

8. DEFINITIONS

Is there a difference between Gender-Based Violence and Gendered Violence?

Yes.

🔹 Gender-Based Violence (GBV) is violence done because of a person’s gender. It includes domestic abuse, rape, forced marriage, or violence against LGBTQ+ people. It’s a legal and human rights term.

🔹 Gendered Violence looks at how gender roles and expectations lead to violence. For example, when a man uses violence to feel “in control” or a woman is attacked for not being “submissive.” It’s more about how society’s ideas of masculinity and femininity cause harm.

✅ GBV is the what.
✅ Gendered violence is the why.

Excellent question.

Not all Gender-Based Violence (GBV) is the result of gendered violence, but most of it is deeply shaped by it.

Here’s a clear explanation:

🔹 **1. GBV is the outcome.**

It refers to violence targeted at someone because of their gender. This includes:

Domestic violence
Sexual assault
Honour killings
Attacks on LGBTQ+ people

🔹 **2. Gendered violence is the cause or logic.**

It explains why someone becomes a target—because they challenged gender roles, didn’t conform, or triggered power dynamics built into how society views men and women.

🔸 So, is all GBV caused by gendered violence?

Mostly yes—but not always.

✅ Yes, when:

A woman is beaten for “disrespecting” a man.
A boy is bullied for being “too soft.”
A lesbian is attacked for not acting “feminine enough.”

❗ Not always, when:

Violence happens within same-gender relationships, and the cause is personal, economic, or unrelated to gender roles.
A crime targets a woman or man randomly, not because of gender or power dynamics.

✅ WhatsApp-style summary:

Is all GBV caused by gendered violence?

🔸 Most GBV is caused by gendered violence—when people are hurt for not fitting into gender roles.

🔸 But not all GBV is. Some violence happens for other reasons, even if the victim is a man or woman.

🧠 GBV = the “what.”
🧠 Gendered violence = the “why.”

9. SUMMARY FOR POLICY & PRACTICE: EMOTIONAL READINESS AND PREVENTION OF GENDERED VIOLENCE

Emotional Readiness Must Be Recognized as a Public Good
• It shapes not just homes, but national resilience, productivity, and peace.

Prevention Must Begin in Early Adolescence (Ages 12–14)
• Emotional literacy, relational role modeling, and trauma-informed teaching should be standard in all secondary school systems.

Mothers’ and Fathers’ Messages Matter
• Cultural messaging from caregivers—especially single mothers and absent fathers—must be acknowledged in intervention design.

Education Is a Strong Protective Factor
• Increased access to secondary and tertiary education for girls and boys drastically lowers risk of both victimhood and perpetration.

Economic Vulnerability Magnifies Risk
• Social protection, access to work, and stable income support mental and emotional bandwidth—particularly for women and youth.

Offenders Peak Between Ages 18–34
• National prevention and rehabilitation programs should target this demographic through community, faith, and vocational entry points.

Family Support Structures Must Be Strengthened
• Focus on emotional resilience in both dual- and single-headed households is essential—violence is present in both.

Restore Femininity Without Forfeiting Leadership
• Programs must affirm that feminine strength (as described by Helen Andelin) does not conflict with public leadership—it enhances it.

For workshops, resources, and policy dialogues on emotional readiness and gendered violence, contact STRLDi at [sheilasingapore@gmail.com].

Newspaper Column Article 22: The Viralness of HIV/AIDs – Part IX: Caring Love for Her. Trusting Love for Him

As it appeared in the Botswana Sunday Standard July 28, 2013, edition, Systemic Thinking Column

When a couple are in conflict, often times we are expecting that our partner to think, act and be like ourselves and meet our needs in the same way we think we should meet theirs. That’s where we can get this wrong.

The column is currently exploring the link between the state of emotional fidelity that exists between couples and the state of HIV/AIDS prevalence that exists as a nation. To do so, the article explores the ways how men and women think and feel emotions differently.

When we are aware of the differences, we “are freed from the tendency to change our partners at those times we are not getting what we want. With a greater level of acceptance and understanding, love flourishes and we get what we want from our relationships,” says the author of “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”, Dr John Gray.

The freedom from the tendency to change partners or retain a “variety of them” now becomes a critical key to seeing the prevalence of HIV/AIDS decline.

This week we continue to explore more of the twelve kinds of emotional love that can exist between a man and woman in love. Physically, we probably have rather similar needs, the need to appease hunger and thirst, the need to stay warm and for shelter, and so on.

But that’s where the similarities end for the “opposite” genders. Emotionally, we are like from different planets, so says, Dr John Gray, “Men are from Mars” and “Women are from Venus” and then we met on earth without realizing how we come from two different planets! Go figure! And we did not come with a handbook to navigate us through this emotional maze.

Here’s one example of this difference.

A man wants his favourite woman to trust that he can handle whatever is bothering him. That he can handle his problems is important for his honour, pride and self-esteem. However for the woman, not worrying about him is difficult for her. Worrying for others is one way women express their love and caring. It is a way of showing love. Go figure but it is true.

For a woman, being happy when the person you love is upset just doesn’t seem right.

Ironically, men show their love by not worrying.

He does not want her to be happy because he is upset, but he does want her to be happy. It helps him to feel loved by her. “How can you worry about someone whom you admire and trust?”, a man questions.

But for a woman, she wants him to worry for her when she was upset. Sometimes, it takes years for a man to figure this distinction. Without understanding this distinction and if a man minimizes the importance of her concerns, this would make the woman more upset. Again something that does not make sense from a man’s perspective, but it is true. Ask your man and woman friends (this can make very interesting conversation over a pint of beer!)

The best comes out in a man when his six primary (yes, there are six of them) love needs are fulfilled. But when a woman doesn’t know what he primarily needs and give a caring love rather than a trusting love, she may unknowingly worsen their relationship. Here is a story in point.

The knight in Shining Armour

(Extracted from “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”).

This is a powerful metaphor to help us remember a man’s primary needs. Too much caring and assistance will lessen his confidence or turn him off.

Deep inside every man there is a hero or a knight in shining armour. More than anything, he wants to succeed in serving and protecting the woman he loves. When he feels trusted, he is able to tap into his noble part of himself. He becomes more caring. When he doesn’t feel trusted, he loses some of his aliveness and energy and after a while he can stop caring.

Imagine a knight in shining armour travelling through the countryside. Suddenly he hears a woman crying out in distress, In an instant, he comes alive. Urging his horse to gallop, he races to her castle, where she trapped by a dragon. The noble knight pulls out his sword and slays the dragon. As a result, he is lovingly received the by the princess.

As the gate open he is welcomed and celebrated by the family of the princess and the townspeople. He is invited to live in the town and is acknowledged as a hero. He and the princess fall in love.

A month later as the noble knight returns from another trip, he hears his beloved princess crying out for help. Another dragon has attacked the castle. When the knight arrives he pulls out his sword to slay the dragon. Before he swings, the princess cries, “Don’t use the sword, use this noose. It will work better.”

She throws him the noose and motions to him instructions about how to use it. He hesitantly follows her instructions. He wraps it around the dragon’s neck and then pulls hard. The dragon dies and everyone rejoices.

At the celebration dinner, the knight feels he didn’t really do anything. Somehow, because he used her noose and didn’t use his sword, he doesn’t feel worthy of the town’s trust and admiration. And the even he is slightly depressed and forgets to shine his armor.

A month later he goes on yet another trip. As he leaves with his sord, the princess reminds him to be careful and tells him to take the noose. On his way home, he sees yet another dragon attacking the castle. This time he rushes forward with his sword but hesitates, thinking maybe he should use the noose. In that moment of hesitation, the dragon breathes fire and burns his right arm. In confusion, he looks and sees his princess waving from the castle window.

“Use the poison,” she yells. “The noose doesn’t work.”

She throws him the poison, which he pours into the dragon’s mouth and the dragon dies. Everyone rejoices and celebrates, but the knight feels ashamed.

A month later, he goes on another trip. As he leaves with his sword, the princess reminds him to be careful, and to bring the noose and the poison. He is annoyed by her suggestions but brings them just in case.

This time on his journey he hears another woman in distress. As he rushes to her call, his depression is lifted and he feels confident and alive. But as he draws his sword to slay the dragon, he again hesitates. He wonders, should I use my sword, the noose or the poison? What would the princess say?

For a moment, he is confused. But then he remembers how he had felt before he knew the princess, back in the days when he only carried a sword. With a burst of renewed confidence, he throws off the noose and poison and charges the dragon with his trusted sword. He slays the dragon and the townspeople rejoice.

The knight in shining armour never returned to his princess. He stayed in this new village, married the princess and lived happily ever after.

As the couple learns to meet these differences it prepares the couple to move to the next deeper level of emotional intimacy between them. Respect. And Appreciation. This will be the subject of next week’s column.

In what way does not knowing these differences that exist between a couple have an impact on the prevalence of HIV/AIDS as a nation?

Would this series of causality be different for countries beyond Botswana in instances where the epidemic has become resistant to our effort to intervene it? Strange as this question may sound, whose mandate is it to understand and “manage” these distinctions? The medical sector? The United Nations? The government? Who would that be? What do you think? What do your friends think?

Ms Sheila Damodaran works as a Systemic Strategy Development consultant currently developing her practice with national planning commissions in southern Africa. She welcomes comments and queries for her programmes at https://www.facebook.com/SystemicThinkingColumnist or call DID: 3931518 or email sheila@loatwork.com.

Newspaper Column Article 21: The Viralness of HIV/AIDs – Part VIII: To de-stress, “Men Go to Their Cave, Women Talk”

As it appeared in the Botswana Sunday Standard July 21, 2013, edition, Systemic Thinking Column

When women talk, it means it is a good sign! They are actually de-stressing.

Some of the male readers of the column shared they were surprised from the previous week’s column that the act of making social contact (such as talking and seeking to be heard or nurturing activities) for a woman is to a woman what withdrawing or becoming aggressive does to relieve stress for the man.

They had no idea!!!

When a man is stressed, he goes to his cave! He will withdraw into the cave of his mind and focus on solving a problem. He generally picks the most urgent problem or the most difficult. He becomes so focussed on solving this one problem that he for a while loses awareness of everything else. Other problems and responsibilities fade into the background. If he can find a solution, instantly he will feel much better and come out of his cave and suddenly he is available for being in a relationship again.

Women handle stress very differently.

She does not know how to go to the cave of her mind. She talks. Or she finds activities in which she is taking care of or connecting emotionally with others. This also stimulates the production of oxytocin for her.

“An understanding of oxytocin-producing behaviours can completely change the way a man interprets a woman’s behaviour. For example, when a woman complains she is not getting enough support or feels the need to talk about the problems in her life, it does not mean she does not appreciate what her partner does. Instead, her behaviour is an indication that she is attempting to cope with stress by increasing her oxytocin levels”

— John Gray, Author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Generating oxytocin in the work world outside the home does not happen easily as it can be disrupted by the demands of having to make decisions, and set priorities based on bottom line instead of the need of others, and behaving in a professional manner. These are testosterone producing situations. Though there is nothing wrong with stimulating testosterone, it does nothing to lower a woman’s stress levels.’

Finding relief through talking.

When women talk about problems, men usually resist. A man assumes she is talking to him about her problems, because she is holding him responsible. The more problems, the more he feels blamed. He does not realize that she is talking to feel better.

She would usually not open up to a man, if she had not felt “safe to do so” with him. It is a sign of intimacy she is extending to him on her part. So, if a woman does talk to you, it is a good sign for the relationship. He will also eventually learn that that she will appreciate him if he just listens.

Men talk about problems for only two reasons: they are blaming someone or they are seeking advice. Therefore when a woman is really upset, a man assumes she is blaming him. Then he draws his sword to protect himself from attack. If he offers solutions to her problems, she just continues talking about more problems. He finds his solutions have been rejected and he feels unappreciated. In both cases, he soon finds it difficult to listen.

He does not realize that explanations are not what she needs. She needs him to understand her feelings and let her move on to talk about more problems. If he is wise and just listens, then a few moments after she is complaining about him, she will change the subject and talk about other problems as well.

The degree to which a man does not understand a woman is the degree to which he will resist her when she is talking about problems. As a man learns more how to fulfil a woman and provide her emotional support he discovers that listening is not so difficult.

Men and women learn to live together in peace because they were able to respect their emotional differences. The men learned to respect that women need to talk to feel better. Even if he didn’t have much to say, he learned that by listening he could be very supportive of her.

The women learned to respect that unlike themselves, men when they are stressed, needed to withdraw to cope with stress. The place where he retires to distress was no longer a great mystery or cause for alarm.

Emotionally, the needs of the two genders are opposite. Yet, that’s exactly what it takes a couple to come together. As opposite genders, we do not meet in our similarities. But in our differences.

When a couple are in conflict, often times it happens because we are attempting to meet the needs for them from our respective perspectives. We think they are the same as ours. That’s where we get this wrong.

In what ways does not knowing these differences that exist between a couple have an impact on the prevalence of HIV/AIDS as a nation? Would this series of causality be different beyond Botswana particularly in instances where the epidemic has become resistant to our effort to intervene it? What do you think? What do your friends think? What do you agree on? What do you disagree on?

Newspaper Column Article #19: The Viralness of HIV/AIDs – Part VI: The Twelve Kinds of Love

As it appeared in the Botswana Sunday Standard on June 30, 2013, Systemic Thinking Column

The column is currently exploring the link between the states of level of emotional fidelity that exists between couples and HIV/AIDS prevalence rates that exists as a nation.

It is difficult to imagine that something that prevails by as much as at a personal level can have an impact at a national level. Yet, when we observe the phenomena of emotional (rather than of sexual) fidelity that exists from person to person, family to family, district to district, region to region, it is really not all that difficult to imagine or ignore the significance of the influence on the level of the epidemic as a nation. Viruses are not transmitted in the open. Just because I do not see they are happening openly, it does not mean the transmissions are not happening.

Source: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Dr John Gray

Yet, what is emotional fidelity and what influences it?

In the past weeks we saw that this begins when the couple works at meeting and fulfilling the emotional needs of one’s partner.

And then we discovered that the emotional needs of one’s partner (of the opposite gender) are typically different from that of one’s own.

In fact there are twelve kinds of emotional needs or as we say twelve kinds of love that can exist between a couple.

The figure here illustrates what these look like. We will start from the top.

When a woman meets and fulfils a man’s need to see his woman trust him, it allows him to grow his sense of belief in himself (when a woman believes in her man, it makes it easier for a man to believe in himself). This act grows feelings of masculinity that fosters a need within him to provide, protect and care for his woman.

As he cares for his woman in each step of the way; the act releases oxytocin in her body, a powerful hormone that plays a huge role in pair bonding for the woman. When we hug or kiss a loved one, oxytocin levels drive up for the person. This allows her to grow her feelings of feminity that allow her to behave truer to her gender as a woman for her man. This then allows her to grow feelings of trust in her man.

The more that a man cares for his woman, the more she trusts him!

While the couple helps to meet and build the emotional needs of their partner, the cycle behaves in a self-seeking way that reinforces their ability to receive and meet their partners’ needs. The couple bonds in this way.

This type of relationship does not require moral, physical or monetary obligations to tie it together so as to make it work.

Couples, who learn this subtle shift in difference in the way they see their partner early on in their relationship, are often on their way to realizing greater levels of fulfilment between them. Making relationships work becomes ‘cheap’.

As the man and the woman enjoy the first of these levels of emotional intimacy between them, they become ready to move on to the next steps in the bonding process.

This is the capacity of the man to understand the woman by listening to the views she expresses from her side of the world.

For the woman, this also means her ability to accept the man for who he is rather than who she wants to be.

Whenever a man changes his ways, be they his views or his actions, it would be on his own terms. This is not an act of defiance. It is what defines a man and separates him from the feelings of being a boy or a child.

It is important for a man that he sees his woman accepts him for who he is and not who he needs to be for her. The more the man feels he is allowed to change on his terms, and sees the woman trusts him to change on his own accord, the more he feels that his woman meets his need to accept him.

So rather, than say, “Why don’t you take the trashcan out? It is your trash too!” she instead requests of him to “Would you take the trash out? It would really make a difference to how the house would feel.” And when he does take the trash out, she then makes a big deal of his action. Whenever a man does something for his woman, he assumes there is a risk involved as he is not sure if his actions would be wholly accepted by his woman.

When he sees that she accepts whatever he has given to her, it makes him happy. This happiness is key to him becoming open to requests on her part in the future for things she would like to see happen for herself.

And this is now his capacity to listen to and understand his woman.

It is not an uncommon remark by men amongst men how “women do not stop talking”. It is really not all that difficult to see this at checkout counters or at restaurants or at government service counters to see service delivery is delayed, because the women staffs are choosing to chat up to a point that it becomes incessant for each other. It is now placing a dent on the economy.

Women fulfil that need for each other quite easily. They are programmed to know how to ‘listen to another woman that fulfils this need for her. Men however are not programmed to listen for the sake of listening. He is designed to listen so as to take an action. He is Mr Fix It. So how would a woman “programme” her man, so that he becomes ready to offer the listening ear she needs to feel she has been understood by her man?

Think about it and we will explore it here in our next column and the impact of meeting these emotional needs on each other as well as for the economy. We will explore this and more of the remaining twelve kinds of love then.

How true have these experiences been for you? As a man? And as a woman? How would you tell these distinctions exist for each other? Happy discussing these with your spouse or your girlfriend and discovering from each other!

Newspaper Column Article #20: The Viralness of HIV/AIDs – Part VII: Men and women in love meet in our differences – not similarities

As it appeared in the Botswana Sunday Standard on June 9, 2013, Systemic Thinking Column

“She’s not my type” or “He is not my type”

Yet, that’s exactly what it takes a couple to come together. As opposite genders, we do not meet in our similarities. But in our differences. Emotionally.

In the past few weeks, we explored while a woman accords trust and accepts her man for who he is, her need is met for her when she sees the man care for her.

The column is currently exploring the link between the state of emotional fidelity that exists between couples and the state of HIV/AIDS prevalence that exists as a nation.

This week we continue to explore more of the twelve kinds of love that can exist between a man and woman in love.

First however, a sharing of interesting reactions by readers of the column. In the course of the week, I received reactions particularly by women readers who share the extent to which they had placed trust on the man they love and how they accepted him for who is, yet, did not see their relationship last.

In many such instances, we also see the couple enter into sexual relationships very early on in their relationship. Each story is heartfelt yet interestingly the story line repeats in much the same way across relationships. In most instances sexual intimacy acted as a substitute for the emotional intimacy that can happen between a couple. We thought the two types of intimacies are the same. They are not.

There is a however a trick to helping build emotional intimacies between a couple. Interestingly however, it is found in the first of the ABCs as advocated by government in their efforts to prevent HIV/AIDs transmission. And that is abstinence. This “tool” serves a double-edged sword. It could prevent transmissions of the virus. It also becomes key to building the emotional intimacies between couples.

When the couple is sexually intimate very early on in the relationship, and yet emotional fidelity has not built up between the two, the latter is less likely to happen for the couple. It can also mean it does not happen for life afterwards for the individual even with other partners.

So it is harder to say ‘we trust or accept someone’ because we have become sexually intimate with that person or for reasons other than for reasons attributed for that individual. Building a level of emotional intimacy can take months to happen. It does not survive short spans (over night or weeks) of time.

For emotional fidelity to grow, it needs to happen in a space where the couple have not become sexually intimate as yet. In instances where the couple are successful in doing so, one would usually find they have taken the time to instead to build emotional intimacy between them.

This would seem harder than it is. It is more so when reflected against a backdrop of seeming need African men have to be engaged sexually and women’s fear that should they not give in, one would “lose the man” to the next person.

There is an emotional distinction in the sexual activity intended to build an intimacy with one’s partner and one that helps a man regain his sense of manhood or masculinity. Can you tell the difference? In one instance it would feel that the man regained or received his sense of masculinity while the other is where the woman feels she received affection rather than having given in to the man.

The man received and the woman gave. There is a misfit here.

Women sense of joy comes foremost when they “receive” from their man. A woman who finds herself giving or giving in to others, will usually find herself falling into depression. The need to give is now running against her inherent nature as a feminine woman.

A man’s deepest sense of joy comes from giving. When a man is at the receiving end (as when a woman pays for him financially), he may be happy in receiving the money, but not at the expense of he questioning his sense of manhood even so privately. He may not present this emotional discomfort in front of the lady. But it could lead him having the need to seek out more sexual conquests with other women as a means to compensate for declining notions of his manhood.

On the other hand, where women learn to build her partner’s emotional sense of masculinity by meeting his emotional needs (trust and acceptance), she would find that over time , this leads to his need for sustained sexual conquests to decline. This now allows him to open up to build relationships with his partner emotionally.

And this includes now his capacity to listen to and fulfil a need for his woman that her man “understands” her. This need is ultimately defined by her when it is met for her.

It is not an uncommon remark amongst men to share with each other how much “women do not stop talking”. It is really not all that difficult to see this evident at checkout counters or at government service counters or to see service delivery delayed because of the women staffs’ need to talk with each other so as to be heard. This can sometimes come across as incessant chatting.

It is now beginning to place a dent on the economy. It is a sign that the man in their lives have not yet fulfilled this need for his woman.

Women easily fulfil this need for each other amongst themselves. They are programmed to know how to ‘listen to another woman”. Notice the ways when women talk to each other, how they would listen to the woman and respond by taking what they have heard and relating it to their personal experiences and sharing their reactions to the woman or just showing interest in hearing more of what’s been said.

Men however are not programmed to listen for the sake of listening. He is designed to listen so as to take an action. He is Mr Fix It.

So how then would a woman “programme” her man, so that he becomes ready to offer the listening ear she needs to feel she has been understood?

All she would need to start with is a request to her man: “Sweetheart, will you offer me a listening ear? I do not need you to fix anything. I had a difficult day at work, and it will mean a lot to me if you’d do just listen.”

A woman would not need to say such to another woman. But she needs to remember to say that to her man. We forget this subtle point with the opposite gender. Now he knows exactly what to DO. The “fix “for him is to listen. He relaxes, downs his tools and prepares to listen to his woman.

Most men hesitate to take this step because when he sees that his woman is unhappy he believes the reason for her unhappiness has something to do with him. And he is not sure what is causing it. It is a risk for him.

But if she prepares him to listen, and he listens, he will soon discover that all she needed was a sounding board.

When a woman is allowed to express what she hopes her man would hear, two things happen for her. She begins to calm down as when she sees someone listening to her, it allows her to complete her trains of thoughts that lead her to become clearer of what she needs to do next. This de-stresses her immediately. This becomes key to ready her to meet another need for her man. And that is to appreciate him for what he does for her. Her attention now turns away from herself (and therefore she stops talking) to her partner.

Don’t forget to appreciate the man for listening to you. The gesture prepares him to better listen to his woman the next time.

The best gift a man can give to his woman is to offer a listening ear to her.

And the couple learns to meet these differences it prepares the couple to move to the next deeper level of emotional intimacy between them.

Are these how you see these or do you see these differently?

The Viralness of HIV/AIDs – Part VI: The Twelve Kinds of Love

As it appeared in the Botswana Sunday Standard on June 30, 2013, The Systemic Thinking Column

The column is currently exploring the link between the states of emotional fidelity between couples and HIV/AIDS prevalence rates that exist as a nation.

It is difficult to imagine that something that prevails by as much as at a personal level can have an impact at a national level. Yet, when we observe the phenomena of emotional (rather than sexual) fidelity that exists from person to person, family to family, district to district, and region to region, it is really not all that difficult to imagine or ignore the significance of the influence on the level of the epidemic as a nation. Viruses are not transmitted in the open. Just because I do not see they are happening openly, it does not mean the transmissions are not happening.

Source: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Dr John Gray

Yet, what is emotional fidelity, and what influences it?

In the past weeks, we saw that this begins when the couple works at meeting and fulfilling the emotional needs of one’s partner.

And then we discovered that the emotional needs of one’s partner (of the opposite gender) are typically different from that of one’s own.

In fact, there are twelve kinds of emotional needs or as we say twelve kinds of love that can exist between a couple.

Women need to receive caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance. Women are motivated when they feel special or cherished. Men must receive trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement. Men are encouraged when they feel needed.

The figure here illustrates what these look like. We will start from the top.

When a woman meets and fulfills a man’s need to see his woman trust him, it allows him to grow his sense of belief in himself (when a woman believes in her man, it makes it easier for a man to believe in himself). This act grows feelings of masculinity that foster a need within him to provide, protect, and care for his woman.

As he cares for his woman in each step of the way; the act releases oxytocin in her body, a powerful hormone that plays a huge role in pair bonding for the woman. When we hug or kiss a loved one, oxytocin levels drive up for the person. This allows her to grow her feelings of feminity which allows her to behave truer to her gender as a woman for her man. This then allows her to grow feelings of trust in her man.

The more that a man cares for his woman, the more she trusts him!

This type of relationship does not require moral, physical, or monetary obligations to tie it together to make it work.

Couples, who learn this subtle shift in difference in the way they see their partner early on in their relationship, are often on their way to realizing greater levels of fulfillment between them. Making relationships work becomes ‘cheap’.

As the man and the woman enjoy the first of these levels of emotional intimacy between them, they become ready to move on to the next steps in the bonding process.

This is the capacity of the man to understand the woman by listening to the views she expresses from her side of the world.

For the woman, this also means her ability to accept the man for who he is rather than who she wants to be.

It is important for a man that see his woman accept him for who he is and not who he needs to be for her. The more the man feels he is allowed to change on his terms, and sees the woman trusts him to change on his own accord, the more he feels that his woman meets his need to accept him.

And this is now his capacity to listen to and understand his woman.

It is not an uncommon remark by men amongst men how “women do not stop talking”. It is really not all that difficult to see this at checkout counters or at restaurants or at government service counters to see service delivery is delayed because the women staff are choosing to chat up to a point that it becomes incessant for each other. It is now placing a dent on the economy.

Women fulfill that need for each other quite easily. They are programmed to know how to ‘listen to another woman that fulfills this need for her. Men however are not programmed to listen for the sake of listening. He is designed to listen to take an action. He is Mr Fix It. So how would a woman “programme” her man, so that he becomes ready to offer the listening ear she needs to feel she has been understood by her man?

Newspaper Column Article #18: The Viralness of HIV/AIDs – Part V: His emotional needs. Her emotional needs.

As it appeared in the Botswana Sunday Standard on June 9, 2013, Systemic Thinking Column

In the previous segment of this column, we concluded it was not as easy for someone to be sexually fidel till one learns to build and enjoy “emotional fidelity” with one’s partner.

It can be easy to miss this point.

Yet it becomes significant when we explore the link between the state of emotional fidelity between couples and the state of HIV/AIDS prevalence as a nation.

How are they inter-related, you ask?

It can be difficult to imagine that something that exists at a personal level can have an impact on a national level. Yet, when we see the phenomena happen across families, communities, districts to the region, it is not difficult to see that they can and do have a significant and growing influence on the level of the epidemic as a nation.

Our medical caregivers then give their all to fight it for the nation. It is really admirable how they do so, even when we know we have not made it easy for them.

Last week, we explored that developing emotional fidelity is the exclusive work of the couple. No one can do that for them. The parents and the community around a couple may encourage marriage and the ability to stay in one. But, not much more. And certainly not foster emotional fidelity.

This aspect therefore, is now beyond “the control” of SADC, or as the national planning commissions or the government or the Ministry of Health, the caregivers, or even as an NGO. We control what we can. But till we as couples learn to reach this, leaving the work of beating the epidemic to an outside organization, will not assure us of success in this issue as a nation!

Yet, what is emotional fidelity and what influences it?

We saw that this state begins when the couple works at meeting and fulfilling the emotional needs of one’s partner.

And then we discovered that the emotional needs of one’s partner (of the opposite gender) are typically different from that of one’s own.

For example, when a man sees his woman trust him, it meets an emotional need for the male partner. And seeing the man give care to his woman meets an emotional need for the female partner.

Both genders need both emotions. Just not to the same extent. To feel fulfilled as their gender in the relationship each as a unique emotional need.

When a woman meets and fulfils a man’s need to see his woman trusts him, it allows him to feel more so like a man. Even when we think, he is not worthy of the trust, the more the man sees the woman learns to see ‘the good side’ of him and trusts him, the more he moves to a state of feeling fulfilled. This stage is important for his feelings of masculinity to grow for him which in turn fosters a need within him to provide, protect and care for his woman.

While a man can trust his woman, it matters even more so to her, when she sees he cares for her. The more he cares for his woman; it allows her to feel true to her gender as a woman. And the more that allows her to grow feminine feelings as a woman; it allows her to grow and give trust to her man.

Wait!

Did we see a cycle of causality that exists between the two genders, in meeting their respective emotional needs?

The more that a man cares for his woman, the more she trusts him!

Period. This is where the trick lies in bringing a couple together. It is growing the cycle of meeting their respective but different emotional needs.

The bottom-line is they are not meant to be self-fulfilling nor meant to fulfil in ways that one thinks it should be for the partner from one’s point of view. But from the view of one’s partner. No other relationship quite teaches us to learn this point.

We often say relationships are not straightforward. That statement is truer than we believe.

It is not meant to be. Otherwise separation and divorces become the only ways out back to our straightforward lives.

The relationships between couples are meant to be cyclical.

The more the woman trusts her man, the more he cares for her. The more the man cares for his woman, the more she trusts him.

Couples, who learn this subtle shift in difference in their relationship in the way they relate to their partner, often realize greater levels of fulfilment between them.

I then left you with two further questions.

How would we know that these indeed are the respective needs of the two genders? And who should start first?

Notice when a man or a woman is in a heated discussion with each other, what would the man or woman typically say to the other? Would the man usually say “just trust me” or would he say, “you do not care for me!”? Whose voice do you typically hear say these words? What did you hear in your own relationship?

It is more common for us to hear a woman say, “you do not care for me”, while a man often asks of the woman ‘to just trust him’. We do leave clues in our relationships about our needs for our partners. We just need to find them. When a woman tries to reach her man, it is not because she does not trust him by as much as for her to feel the experience of his assurance of care for her. This is not a formula. It is a natural emotional need that exists separately for the two genders.

Who should start first? Do I wait for my partner to fulfil my emotional needs first before I try to meet his? Of course, that becomes self-defeating since, by doing so, we have already come from a place of the self rather than for the other.

However, this depends on the extent such needs have been met for the individual from their past relationships. The less it has been met, the more it becomes important for the partner to meet those needs for his or her partner first.

For example, the first man a woman learned to trust was her father. However, if she did not enjoy a trusting relationship with her father, it now becomes important that her boyfriend or husband learns to fulfil and meet that need for his woman before he may expect her to learn to trust him. In time, she will. One would have to learn to be patient till one reaches that stage.

And then there are five other types of emotional needs that are different for men and women. Have you found out what they are?

Here, I will leave you with two more each for each gender and they will become the subject of the column’s discussion for next week while you continue to figure what the other remaining three emotional needs are for the respective genders (there are twelve types of love or emotional needs in total …. no one said it was going to be that easy, did they?).

How true are they for you? How would you tell these distinctions?

Happy discussing these with your spouse and discovering these needs from each other!

Newspaper Column #17: The Viralness of HIV/AIDs – Part IV: What Causes Emotional Fidelity?

As it appeared in the Botswana Sunday Standard on June 2, 2013

“A relationship does not need the “baggage” we bring to it from our respective pasts. Yet it serves to remind us
they are there, if we are still carrying them. Leverage the relationship to work at unloading our baggage together.
The act of doing so clears misunderstandings and brings the two even closer. Every time.
Conflicts in a relationship are not bad. 90% of the time they are the result of reasons from our pasts.”

In last week’s segment of this column, we concluded it was not as easy for one to enjoy sexual fidelity for oneself till one learns to enjoy “emotional fidelity” with one’s partner. It is easy to miss this point in the “heat of the moments” but it is hard to ignore this inter-relationship over time.

When emotional fidelity or intimacy is missing between couples, it brings all relationships to an eventual standstill. It’s usually not just sexual infidelity that causes relationships to crack up. That’s just the tip of the iceberg.

What is emotional fidelity or intimacy and what does it look like? What allows a couple to grow it between the two? Does it happen by accident or is it open to nurturing? Or does it happen because it is propped up by obligations as a result of the physical relationships that exist between and around them?

Emotional fidelity happens for its own sake and requires effort exclusively on the part of the couple. Nobody (a child, parents, or wealth) can help do that step for them. Fortunately or unfortunately.

When I do arrive at this stage of my sessions with participants in understanding the interrelationships between fidelity and prevalence of HIV/AIDS, and I present the question, “What is emotional fidelity or itimacy?”, I get the following responses, each time, without fail:

Trust (that I expect my partner trusts me, or I should be able to trust him)
Care (that my partner cares for me)
Loyalty (that my partner is loyal to me)
Compassion (that my partner shows compassion to me)
Sexual pleasures (that my partner allows me to reach that pleasure for me)
Passion, lust (that I must enjoy these)
Respect (that my partner should respect me)
Love (that my partner should love me) … we should love each other, but that I’d love him when he shows his love me.
Listens (that my partner listens to me)
…. And so on, more or less in that order.

Interestingly, while the list appears seemingly innocent, take a closer look at it when we include the words that appear in parenthesis. These are usually not voiced in the first instances. What do you notice?

We had hoped these emotions would happen for oneself rather than for our partner. So it would be not be a case by as much of compassion that I present to my partner as much as compassion that I expect my partner shows me. It is not by as much the respect I accord to my partner, by as much as what I expect my partner to accord to me. If they do it for me, then I shall do it for them. Then it becomes mutual. Otherwise. No!

Yet, relationships thrive, when the attention is on meeting the emotional needs of my partner rather than of myself (and, don’t read this part alone aloud to your partner! (smile). Read the whole article together, if that is possible).

What are the emotional needs of my partner? Would they be the same as mine?

Let me present two words here. “Care” and “Trust”. Both words describe emotions. But which word describes best an emotion that when that need is met for her, helps her feel even more so like a woman. And a man a man. Both emotions are needed, but which one stands apart for each gender?

Would that emotion be care or trust for a woman? Most can agree and men are quite clear of it each time, that a woman feels most like a woman is when she sees “her man cares for her”. Yes, mothers ‘take care of their sons and daughters’. But when the daughter grows up and she has her own children, and may take “care of her son”, she is happiest when she receives care from her husband or boyfriend.

And a man feels at his best, when he sees that his woman “trusts him”. Sometimes, as women we do to others what we expect them to do for us. And so, she may end up ‘taking care of him’, thinking should the more she ‘cares for him’ that more he would ‘take care of her’.

But a man does not need care from his woman. Otherwise he sees his mother in his woman. He needs our trust which would allow him to grow and feel more so like a man. The less he enjoys the trust from his woman, the less he learns to feel like a man. And therefore “stays as a ‘boy’ to be taken care of”. This stunts his emotional development as a man.

How can we be sure these are indeed what best describes the emotional needs of the respective genders? How do we tell? Think what we notice happen in our own relationships?

Also men and women keep different scoring systems. When a man does an act of ‘giving’ to his woman, the score he accords for his act depends on the size of the gift. If say the man takes his woman for a vacation, in his books he has scored a lot of points.

But the woman keeps a different scoring system. Be it the gift is big or small, she accords one point. So, if the man brings her 24 roses or 1 rose, to her she accords 1 point for that act of giving he made to her.

So here’s the trick. Instead of giving her 24 roses (and his book he records 24 points) at one time, bring her one rose but do it 24 times over a period of time. That will be 24 points in her book. What does this mean? What is more important to her is not the size of the gift but rather the consistency in the act of giving.

She could sometimes come across as being ‘expensive’ but all she is trying to do is ‘to make up for the acts of giving that were not done in the past. Hard as it seems, women can be easy. We would need to understand the other genders’ emotional needs first for a more cordial relationship.

The physical needs of the two genders may be similar. We all need warmth, food and shelter. But when we attempt to cross the relationship into the emotional realm, and attempt to meet the emotional needs of the opposite gender, we meet in the differences, and not in the similarities.

So it is easy to get away by saying “he is not my type” or “she is not my type”. It is actually truer than we believe it to be.

“Women mistakenly expect men to react and behave the
way women do, while men continue to misunderstand
what women really need.” Dr Gray
– Author of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”

So who would need to start meeting the needs of the other gender first? Would it be that the woman shows trust in her man first, before he begins to accord care to her. Or would it be vice-versa?

And then there are five other types of emotional needs that are different for men and women. What do you think they are?

What do you see is the impact of couples who are able to meet and build emotional intimacy with each other on the prevalence of HIV/AIDS in the country? What would prevent them from building such levels of intimacies?

These will be the subject of the column’s discussion for next week. Happy discussing and discovering with your family and friends!

Ms Sheila Damodaran works as a systemic strategy development consultant currently developing her practice with national planning commissions in southern Africa. She welcomes comments and queries for her programmes at https://www.facebook.com/SystemicThinkingColumnist or call DID: 3931518.

Newspaper Column #16: The Viralness of HIV/AIDs – Part III: What causes fidelity? Not infidelity.

As it appeared in the Botswana Sunday Standard on May 26, 2013

Nevertheless, a question that has crossed millions of minds and tons of conversations around the globe. In sports clubs, in tea-gardens, at pubs, at market places and at bus-stations. Between girlfriends and among boys and men. Regardless of gender.

And we have thrashed this question in and out on various media at various stages of our lives. As teenagers, as young adults, as married persons, as elders, even as institutions. Sometimes, we would choose not to go there, because, we believe that it is either too difficult to get there or evokes difficult emotions or we see things that are difficult “to change” when we do get there. Regardless of our professions.

And when we think we have got it, despite past experiences, it escapes us. Once again. Regardless of age.

But to be honest with each other, we really do not ask what causes fidelity!

We typically focus on why infidelity happens (happened to us). Not fidelity.

We get what we want. Knowing what we do not want, does not help us learn to build what we want or yearn for.

We may be ready to ‘tackle the consequences’ but as long as we keep creating the causes, we will have to continue to tackle the consequences.

This question, what causes fidelity, began to be important to us last week. This was, when after exploring and uncovering what causes the prevalence of HIV/AIDS to rise, we recognised that fidelity inspite of non-abstinence or of not applying condoms; it had a sure-fire (guaranteed) way of bringing prevalence figures down.

I shared a discussion I would usually have in my workshop programmes when we tackle this topic, that, “Should two individuals, both HIV positive stay sexually fidel to each other, would that lead to increased levels of transmission of the HIV virus to individuals outside of the couple’s relationship. That is, in spite of unsafe sexual practices with each other?

And the answer would be quite simply …. No!

For all. Regardless of age, professsion or gender. Immediately! Except for the pair, there would be zero transmissions beyond them. Something, a lot of nations and individuals easily aspires to and wishes it could happen for them but thinks it is difficult to reach. Yet, it really isn’t that difficult to figure this one out.

This work is relentless in wanting to understand what influences such actions. It is easier to dismiss it off and ‘say we require a change in behaviours’. But if it stays on easier to say it than to do it, then we have not yet put a finger on to it to understand what would make a sufficient difference. It was too simple! Which is why we are led back in (to the problem).

I also shared that from a systemic perspective, the causality of HIV/AIDs as a phenomenon will be no different from that of one country to another! Be it that the phenomenon is happening in India or Europe or China or here in Botswana, South Africa or Russia or the Americas. Despite races or nationalities.

Why did I say that?

These circles of causality occur naturally and they prevail despite what we as individuals may appear to look like ‘on the outside’. The ways we think and emote within, despite the boundaries we draw across the globe are not that very different. Be it the hatred or joys we see as happening in China or Zimbabwe or Venezeula or the Artic or even between individuals as partners may manifest outwardly as looking differently. But the emotions, and therefore the thinking and the behaviours stay true to the same.

The circles of causality are a presentation of how these aspects (namely emotions, behaviours and actions) interrelate within us and across each other. Once these reinforce or feed themselves, or as we say locks themselves in, be they positively or negatively, the reasons or causes that appear in the cycle stay the same.

This takes us beyond the unequivocal blame we square on the ubiquitous influence of ‘truck drivers’. And yet, ‘this’ could be anyone. Some-ones from “outside but who was driving through” or we might say, being sexually indiscriminate or infidel with each other.

Yet, when it happen, it does not happen without a reason. It is whether we see it (the reason) or we don’t. When we do understand the reason, it now becomes easier for change to happen. Hard as it may be, to accept the reason.

And so, the question is, “what causes sexual fidelity”? What encourages its growth? What discourages it? Where does that begin?

Couples anywhere, enjoy a type of intimacy that does not quite match up in the same way in relationships as we have with someone outside it or when we keep more than one intimate relation. It is the only relationship that enjoys the following characteristics:

The relationship is ‘not given’. It needs to be learnt. My relationship with my brother is given. But my relationship with my husband is not given. I did not “grow up” with him. It has to be learnt. I invest effort to learn about him;
It enjoys an intimacy that goes beyond physical relations as we could with our parents and siblings, and especially beyond the obvious sexual one. It is the only relationship that enjoys intimacy with another human being that spans, sexual intimacy to emotional (learning of our respective pasts) to mental (ways of our thoughts) to spiritual (that is not religious). All of them with the same person at the same time. Sometimes, the experience is referred to as being almost celestial or heavenly. Sexual experiences become more enjoyable then. Couples who do not ‘graduate beyond’ sexual activities rarely reach such a stage or enjoy it. It takes time;
It is the only relationship that helps us learn to open our ways of thinking to include that of another. Family relations reinforce current or familiar ways of thinking within the box. Intimate relations are the only relationship of its kind that helps us learn to ‘step out of our boxes’. No other relationship can help us do that. The more we do so, the more we learn to do that with relations outside of the family. This becomes key to organizational and economic and international growths;
It is the only relationship that helps preserve and grow our feminine and masculine emotional qualities to their ultimate peaks. The woman feels (and not just looks) most like a woman and the man as a man.
It is a relationship that starts small and grows over time, over a lifetime. For the reasons above. Not because our wealth has become inextricably tied up.

What allows a couple to reach such stages that goes beyond sexual fidelity to emotional fidelity? What does emotional fidelity look like?

Sometimes we say, it is not easy for couples to enjoy sexual fidelity till they learn to enjoy emotional intimacy together. Without emotional fidelity, do not expect sexual fidelity to happen that easily! It does not.

So does emotional fidelity happen by accident or can it be learnt?

This will be the subject of the column’s discussion for next week. Happy discussing and discovering!

Newspaper Column #15: The Viralness of HIV/AIDs – Part II: The Difference Between Working Hard and Working Smart.

As it appeared in the Sunday Standard, Botswana May 19, 2013, edition.

From a systemic perspective, the causality of HIV/AIDs as a phenomenon will be no different from that of one country to another! Be it that it is happening in India or Europe or China or here in Botswana, South Africa or Namibia. Despite races or nationalities or professions.

The circle of causality reinforces or feeds itself, negatively, perhaps at different rates (some slower, others faster), but the reasons or causes that appear in the cycle will be the same.

The reason for transmission of the virus however, for an individual may differ from one person to another. That’s from the perspective of a medical doctor. That’s what he sees. But the systemic causality of the phenomenon will be the same across all them.

Systemic thinking is not interested in the former. It’s focus and attention is on the latter.

And what would you say this means from a systemic perspective for nations that show low levels of the epidemic numbers? This would mean that the circle of causality is reinforcing positively rather than negatively or we say virtuously in their instances. It is the same cycle, just reinforcing positively.

Each time the circle of causality reinforces or as we say the causes feed themselves as a cycle, the community or the country experiences increasingly negligent levels of infections despite the levels other nations may be experiencing around the globe. And most importantly, they achieve those results with little or no effort (and certainly no resources) on their part.

Whether it is good news or bad news, the cycle of causality will be the same.

This series of articles that we have just begun here, seeks to uncover what is the circle of causality in the case of HIV/AIDs as a systemic or national phenomenon.

Please note however, the doctor, needs to continue to treat or advice the patient, nevertheless. However, treating a patient will not treat (or reverse the effects of this phenomenon) as a nation. The cycle will continue to run its course until we treat the cycle with a systemic solution.

That’s not a medical perspective. It requires the perspective of the nation. The latter cannot absolve itself from being a part of the solution here.

In last week’s article, we explored and uncovered the following:

Prevalence Levels ß New Infections (identified or otherwise) Levels ßLevels of Transmissions ß ?

And then I left you with the question,” what causes the levels of transmissions to go up?” Notice again, I did not ask, what caused a transmission. Instead, the question seeks to understand what causes its relentless upward trend.

And then I clarified the question further by asking which one of the above did you (and your circle of family and friends) think was the MAIN REASON? … the 20% that contributes 80% of the causes!

And I offered five options: Was it unsafe sexual practices? Would it be mother-to-child transmissions? Would it be unsafe use of tainted needles? Or is it accidents and wounds? Or was there another reason?

I have posed this question each time with various groups for possibly over thousands of participants. And there is resounded one unequivocal answer. I am sure you have guessed it too!

Most, quite easily vouch that the answer is, sexual intercourse. And should we take you the readers of this newspaper and continue to make that count, we are quite sure that we will arrive at the same answer.

Now, to see that ‘sexual intercourse’ as the “main river” that adds to the “ocean of HIV/AIDs prevalence”, was important. Here’s why.

When I do this activity with a group of medical practitioners who are tasked to advance the prevention of transmission of the disease from mother to child, it begins to dawn on them that while they work hard at preventing the transmission of the virus to the child from its mother, yet that child when it grows up, it did not have a way to control the transmission of the virus to itself through its own sexual practices. The child (and that is all of us) has not learned to save itself from the virus. It just happens. Sometimes, before we reach our teens! This clarity floors these organizations every time.

What is the implication of understanding this on resources and effort? It literally means money down the drain for them.

Why do we do that?

While it was a necessary correction, it was still an easier and costlier route. We would choose this way, because, trying to curb transmission through sexual practices, was a more difficult process, and in our minds, and almost impossible task.

Yes, it is impossible. That is, if we see all solutions as about controls and monitoring others.

When we are faced with such a systemic situation, it requires learning to work with levers that lead to individuals taking actions for themselves. This way of thinking is perhaps new for us.

In short, it means, we need to learn how the individual would make those decisions. Whatever, the reason that leads one to take a decision, when the reason is “not there” it would lead one to decide to take a different course of action. For oneself!

It is more difficult process to get there. No doubt.

Unfortunately, however, it is the reality.

When we face that reality, we also learn to face solutions that work. And when, we get there, it becomes very simple.

So shall we carry on uncovering the reason in the cycle?

So, the next question is what causes transmissions by sexual practices to go up?

Let me frame this differently. In my workshops, I would typically ask a question, “Should two individuals, both HIV positive stay sexually fidel to each other, would that lead to increased levels of transmissions to individuals outside of the couple’s relationship. That is, in spite of unsafe sexual practices with each other?

And the answer would be quite simply …. No! Yes, you are right!

Except for the pair, there would be zero transmissions beyond them. Something, a lot of nations easily aspires for it to happen but thinks it is difficult to reach. Yet, it really isn’t that difficult to figure this one out.

Taking this reasoning beyond the obvious reason, lies in asking the question, what causes or encourages the behaviour of discriminate sexual relation by a couple with each other?

Perhaps you may ask, what is that? It would be the act of engaging in sexual relationship with one person that lasts beyond evenings to a lifetime of days. Hard as it may sound, we would otherwise refer to as fidelity.

So the next question is, “what causes sexual fidelity”? Would it need controls? What encourages its growth? What discourages it?

We all seem to know what causes infidelity.

But what causes fidelity? Where does that begin? What do you think? What does your wife (or girlfriend) think?

This will be the subject of the column’s discussion for next week. Happy discovering!

Does it really matter that we know all of the causes of the viralness or we need to figure the ONE? Yes, it matters that we figure the “main river”.

It makes all the difference between working hard and working smart.

Ms Sheila Damodaran works as a systemic strategy development consultant currently developing her practice with national planning commissions in southern Africa. She welcomes comments and queries for her articles and programmes at https://www.facebook.com/SystemicThinkingColumnist or call DID: 3931518.

Newspaper Column #14: The Viralness of HIV/AIDs – Part I: How Does Viralness Grow?

As it appeared on The Sunday Standard May 12, 2013 edition.

It has been a while. As the articles grew, we took the time to consider an appropriate site for the column. That search is on-going. However, for now, the column and I is here and we are glad we are back with you!

The column showcases a work that leads by learning to understand persistent issues of systemic or national concern and develop strategies to mitigate them. These strategies are typically not run-of-the-mill solutions because had they worked in the past, we would not be facing these issues today globally. When a problem is ‘solved’, it will work not to come back. Period.

And when it does come back, it is a sign we have yet to understand what’s causing the problem. It is an indication that the search is not over as yet.

We will use this thought to begin to understand the viral nature of HIV/AIDs that has caused epidemic proportions in its behaviour and consequences around the globe.

How did it grow the way it had done so far? Both with and without our control? What is the ‘gaspipe, outside of the medical domain’ that keeps bringing more of these cases back on into the health sector? And why does it continue to resist our efforts to control it despite works by multi-sectoral efforts. It seems to behave, almost ubiquitously as in “till deaths, do us part”?

The story today has gone way beyond sex workers or truck drivers, because infections happen regardless. Had such “acts” not persisted beyond these two sectors, the mere non-action would slow down or even stop the infection in its track. However, we know this is not the case. Infections have now gone from beyond one area and one country, to countries across lands and inspite oceans. It has transcended boundaries, including age, gender, professions, and so on.

Interestingly, this story now also holds keys to learning to grow any kind of phenomenon. Even how as nations we may learn to grow our economies and businesses. Why do I say that? Read on.

While the unintended consequences of HIV/AIDs are not desirable, it is nevertheless exhibiting the nature of growth behaviour ‘at its best’. Think viruses that started off as one, in very small numbers, and yet today the number has grown to billions in the millions of us. It has grown to an extent that the question today is no longer, ‘when would we turn the tide around’ but rather ‘can we turn the tide’? It is no longer a trickle, a brook or a river. It is turning into an ocean.

And we have tried turning it around by all means possible. Genuinely. For decades.

We have poured and continue to do so billions of dollars around the globe to ‘fight the war’ of HIV. And that trend has grown relentlessly year on year as organizations around the world jump on the bandwagon to save the numbers of lives increasingly affected by it.

Tongue-in-cheek, it even feels the more money we pour in to fight it, the more we seem to be sucked in by it both as those who are infected and those who need to react to the infected either as medical and research personnel, medical service providers or fund coordinators and not forgetting the rest who are caregivers in the family.

These are the hands and feet that would otherwise have worked hard at growing the country’s economic productivity and sit on the revenue side of the equation of an economy.

Today, rather these resources sit on the side of the cost equation. And this adds up to the cost (hidden and worse blind ones) sometimes more than just of the investments we make. They would need to be added in.

Yet the prevalence (of old + new infections) is not abating downwards at the rate investments are scaling — upwards. The catching up game does not appear to stop.

Is it a stubborn problem? Yes, it is! Is there a vicious cycle causing the persistence? You bet there is!

If the problem has not turned around consistent with the effort we have applied to it, then it is an indication that we have not quite understood what is causing its vicious nature. Understanding this causality is the first step to solving the problem.

We know that when a virus transmits from one individual to another, it can cause an (new) infection.

That’s a medical side of the story of the disease. In systemic thinking, however, we want to understand what is causing the recurrence of the transmission that is pushing prevalence upwards, despite differences in time, location and people? And inspite of different programmes, initiatives and endeavours.

We also want to know the consequences of such prevalence rates and importantly to understand ways they (re-)feed(-back) or reinforce the cycle. These questions are keys to developing strategies that help turn stubborn issues around. For good.

Yes, we know it is sex (-ual) transmission. Yet, not all sexual activities lead to a transmission of the virus. Yes? (More later. Food for thought for now.)

So we have for now explored the topic around a few issues, let’s begin to answer the question. What causes the relentless persistence of HIV/AIDs as a phenomena that feeds (grows) the prevalence figures of nations?

So, let’s start with the question, what causes the prevalence to go up?

The first answer I usually get, hands down, is “sex”! Well, it’s true. We will get there but let’s stay with the question. Prevalence is caused by new infections. When numbers of new infections go up, prevalence goes up. When infections go down, prevalence goes down too.

The next question is, ‘what causes infections to go up’? Again, I get the response, well, the answer is obvious! “Sex”! Smile. It’s true. But as I would say, stay with the question. Infections are caused by transmission. If there are no transmissions, there are no new infections. But when numbers of instances of transmissions go up, so does infection.

The next question? You know it, now. What causes transmissions to go up? Notice, I did not ask, what caused a transmission. Well, stepping back, we might say, well there are many ways these may happen. It can be sexual behaviour (such as unsafe sexual practices), mother-to-child transmissions, unsafe use of tainted needles, accidents and wounds, and there could be more.

Here’s a tip.

In a stubborn or a recurring problem, we do not include all of them as causalities. And here’s why.

By the time, circle of causality becomes vicious 0r recurring, one of these factors have become the reason for its persistence. It is that ‘main river’ that brings the cycle back and reinforces itself continuing to push the upward tide with each cycle of causality. We say it is now exists as a self-seeking (helps itself) cycle of growth. It is not a cause with multiple factors.

So which one of the above do you think is the MAIN REASON? … the 20% that contributes 80% of the causes!

I am sure you know which one it is. Still, do feel free to check out the question with your family and friends. What do they think?

Would it be unsafe sexual practices? Would it be mother-to-child transmissions? Would it be unsafe use with tainted needles? Or is it accidents and wounds? Or is there another reason?

This will be the subject of the column’s discussion for next week. Happy discovering!

Ms Sheila Damodaran works as a national strategy development consultant currently focussed on working with national planning commissions in southern Africa. She welcomes comments and queries for her programmes at DID: 3931518 or at sheila@loatwork.com.

National Article 19: What causes fidelity?

We know what causes infidelity?

But what causes fidelity? Whatever that causes fidelity, when it is not there, causes infidelity!

So, what causes fidelity?

A couple goes through different stages or types of intimacy during their times together and experience one or more stages in their lifetime. To the extent the couple moves through the different stages would depend on the time and attention they place on their relationship. These include with no specific order or preference i.e. being:

Sexually intimate with each other (be it where the couple experiences sexual intimacy either regularly, or on an ad-hoc basis)
Physically intimate (where the couple moves to live in the same space together)
Emotionally intimate (where the couple enjoys a relationship where each helps the other meet their needs emotionally; here the couple has learned to understand each others’ pasts as well as learnt to share and value unique moments together such as dinners, holidays, family events, and so on.)
Mentally intimate (where the couple has learned to see the view of the partner not from one’s own perspective but that of the partner’s and in doing so learns to bring their minds together so that they may plan their lives together from the past, present and into the future and not meet their future as contingent (“let’s cross the bridge when we get there”. i.e, there is child born to them and so they need to meet its living and educational expenses, and so on)
Spiritually intimate (where each regard the other as their soul-mate and enjoy a celestial or soul mate experience together)

Where do you think sexual fidelity begins to happen for the couple? Would it be at sexual intimacy or at physical intimacy or when the couple has learned to experience emotional intimacy?

What does sexual fidelity look like? It includes among other things, a willingness by each person in the relationship to regard his or her partner as:

The only sexual partner for life;
Where the relationship is not given (as in blood relations), but the couple has chosen to learn to want to be together;
The relationship has grown beyond physical intimacy to include (or aspires to include) all or other forms of intimacy between the two and not limited to one or two out of the five;
The couple is in the relationship because they ‘want to’ and not because they ‘had to’ (it is an obligation or transaction or choices made by parents or forced to) be in it;
The couple regards each’s relationship with the other emotionally (as opposed to physically, materially, mentally) as equals and not assumes either as superior (head of the household) or inferior (submissive) to the other.

Did you say, the above (particularly sexual fidelity) happens when the couple learns to build emotional intimacy? Yes, you are right! We know couple who have reached the first two stages in the relationship and have even chosen to marry each other, yet, do not necessarily enjoy sexual fidelity with each other.

So how does emotional intimacy happen? Does it happen magically or it requires hard work on both sides? How would they need to work with each other so that they meet the other’s needs emotionally?

The following is something I have found useful as a I work with Dr Gray’s work. It helps appreciate the level of intimacy that may happen for a couple.

What do you notice happening between the two (notice the threads in red)?
Does it happen one way or would it need to happen two-ways?
Are the needs of the two genders the same?
So who starts first?
Do these steps happen overnight or do they take time?
Do they happen by accident or it helps that both sides of the couple first really appreciate what really ticks the other in (or off)?
How would such learning happen? It is easier if one sees one’s parents do it? However, should that not be the case, what are the implications for society, the couple and the future? What could happen differently?

NEEDS OF THE TWO GENDERS AND THE ORDER THESE NEEDS GROW / REINFORCE OVER TIME TO CREATE SUSTAINABLE RELATIONSHIPS IN A COUPLE: BY DR JOHN GRAY, AUTHOR OF “MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS”

She Needs	He Needs
Caring– When he shows interest in a woman’s feelings and heartfelt concern for her well-being, she begins to trust him more	Trust– When she believes in her man’s abilities and intentions that he is doing his best and that he wants the best for his partner, he is more caring and attentive to her feelings and needs
Understanding– When he listens without judgment but with empathy, the easier it is for her to give her man the acceptance he needs	Acceptance– When she receives a man without trying to change him, he listens and gives her the understanding she needs
Respect– When he acknowledges her rights, wishes, and needs, she feels respected. It is easier for her to give her man the appreciation he deserves	Appreciation– When she acknowledges having received personal benefit and value from a man’s effort and behaviour, he feels appreciated. He knows his effort is not wasted and is thus encouraged to give more and he respects his partner more.
Devotion– When he gives priority to a woman’s needs and proudly commits himself to supporting and fulfilling her, the woman thrives and feels adored. When she feels number one in his life, she admires him.	Admiration– When she admires him with wonder, delight and pleased approval, he feels secure enough to devote himself to his woman and adore her.
Validation– When he does not object to a woman’s feelings and instead accepts their validity, she truly feels loved and gives the approval the man needs.	Approval– When she sees her man as her knight in shining armour and recognizes the good reasons what he does, she signals that he has passed her tests and this becomes easier for him to confirm her feelings.
Reassurance– When he repeatedly shows that he cares and devotes himself to his partner (the woman should come to expect sexual fidelity and that the man provides and protects her exclusively), tells a woman that she is continually loved. He must remember to reassure her again and again. This moves her to encourage him to be a man bigger than himself.	Encouragement– A man primarily needs to be encouraged, understood and if need to see the woman sympathize and he sees her stands by him. Her encouraging attitude gives hope and courage to a man by expressing confidence in his abilities and character. When her attitude expresses trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration and approval, it encourages a man to be all that he can be. This motivates him to give her the loving reassurance she needs.

Case Study 18: What would it take to ‘cure’ HIV? (sheilasingapore.wordpress.com)
Best-selling Author of “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” – Dr. John Gray – to join Deepak Chopra at the “Journey into Healing” Workshop this September in San Diego (prweb.com)

National Article 18: What would it take to ‘cure’ HIV?

Should we pay attention to:

Curing the disease when it is already transmitted (attack the problem that we can see)? or
Preventing the disease from being transmitted (defend ourselves from the problem?) or
‘Cure’ ‘the reason that causes the disease to be transmitted (what causes the problem)?

Let’s take this situation. Suppose there is a couple, both of whom are HIV positive and both are sexually fidel to each other. Given so, would the two increase the prevalence of the disease ‘out there’ in society? No, you say? You are right!

So when does the disease increase its prevalence?

It (only) happens when one or both partners choose the act of infidelity with each other. Should partners choose fidelity with each other, transmission of the disease is likely to plunge immediately across society. And plunge faster than any interventions by government or organizations will make it possible.

And it is (way) cheaper. There is the price we pay for not dealing with the causality. And the price tag is US$27 billion! and that is just by one country – USA. That is money that could have been somebody’s salary increase. However, I suppose when we do not figure these out, we probably do not deserve those salary increases! Otherwise, it can easily be there for our takings.

Now, this was interesting for the Department of HIV/AIDs because a big part of its efforts and budgets placed to curb the epidemic was to ‘prevent the disease being transmitted between mother to child’. However when they recognized that 80% or so transmissions are because of indiscretions by couples in their sexual behaviour (and the primary causality of the disease), they began to realize that whilst they worked hard to stop the disease being transmitted from mother to child and hospitals therefore saved the child from its mother but when the child grows up, and becomes an adult, it is possible that the child may not be able to save from itself should it engage in sexually indiscriminate practices itself! The money it had used to save the child, ‘literally was now become money that it had poured down the drain’!

But it is harder to ‘work on the fidelity between the couple’ in the bedroom. It is easier to manage the transmission at the hospital between the mother and the child. So we ignore it, choosing easier ways out such as resorting to dispensing condoms, or encouraging practices of circumcision among men or extolling the vices of maintaining sexual networks or encourage total abstinence. They work somewhat, but not realistically enough to make sure the country will meet its target of zero infection rates. Yet, we are not talking as yet for us to learn what it takes for couples to learn to want to be together and afterwards it learns to also exercise sexual fidelity between each other. Till we get there, can we expect to solve this problem? No. You can deal a blow, but not solve it.

So, what causes sexual fidelity? Or have you too given up that the idea is possible?

Notice most sexual indiscretions happen away from the glare of the ‘day’ and under the cover of the night and in spots that are deliberately designed to keep ‘the authorities out’ (see pages 3-5) and apparent ‘disorder in’? What are we hiding from? Who are we running from and then afterwards who are we running into? There lies the answer to our questions on fidelity!

So what would lead a couple to become fidel with each other?

Fact and Fiction About HIV Transmission (everydayhealth.com)
Shocking HIV Rates Among Black Women – ABC News (abcnews.go.com)
Impact of Male Circumcision on HIV Doubted (circumcisionwisdom.wordpress.com)
How HIV Changed One Life Forever (everydayhealth.com)
Sexual Intimacy With an HIV-Positive Person (everydayhealth.com)
Early HIV Treatment With Antiretrovirals Unlikely to Impair Cognitive Development in Children, Study Finds (inquisitr.com)
People Care More About The President Cheating Than Their Significant Other Cheating (thejanedough.com)
The Allure Of The Coy Man (heartiste.wordpress.com)
a little fatherly advice (briancoatney.com)
Strategies for HIV/AIDS (jacobam.wordpress.com)
Possible Key To Ridding HIV Infection From Immune System – Vaccination Strategy (medicalnewstoday.com)
HIV vaccine on horizon as scientists develop jab that gives 70% protection to monkeys repeatedly exposed to virus (dailymail.co.uk)
Dr. Martha Buchanan: Knowing HIV/AIDS facts combats dangerous misinformation (knoxnews.com)
How HIV Spreads (everydayhealth.com)
The Conscious Mom’s Guide Links Kids’ Behavior, Emotions and Health to The Stars; Innovative KidScopes Help Moms Understand, Assist Their Children (prweb.com)
Secrets of Fascinating Womanhood.. (marcusstephen.wordpress.com)
How to Save a Marriage – Free Book (solaceandjoy.wordpress.com)
Oh my goodness Dr.Gray! (3bean.wordpress.com)

National Article 3: Lands of ‘Princesses’ and ‘Prostitutes’!

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Are the two worlds really that different or there is merely a thin line separating the two?

Are these two worlds defined by the women or by the men or by both or by persons beyond the couple?

I had a surreal experience yesterday.

I was on my way to an engagement party and I had my usual driver help me get to the venue which was an hour’s drive away. My driver, in his late 30’s or early 40’s, over time has grown accustomed to using the time he has me in his car to share his concerns that he finds in his life and as a sounding board for his thoughts. As the journey continued, the conversation turned to ‘what does a woman want from her man’? He asked, “is it a roof over their heads or a box of chocolates from him?” Well, I said, “while the box of chocolate may not be the same as a roof over their heads, but if she also receives a box of chocolate from him, it helps her see him as more than a provider for the family to also the lover in her life”, I said.

At soon as those words left my mouth, it felt like a cannon had suddenly been let loose within the car! He became rattled and began by saying “such days have long gone”. Well, I added, “you would not want her to see you as her father or brother, would we?” He continued to disagree. He then shares, that had I known better, I would know that “it is not unusual for the women in the country to “keep small houses by their side”. While she may have the ‘main meal’ with her husband, she continues to enjoy ‘side dishes’ with other men”. He adds that having come to know about that part of her life, it is making it difficult for him to relate towards her as her husband and as the only man in her life. He then repeated several times that it is not easy for a man to give flowers and chocolate to “a prostitute”. He for now is choosing to live a life separate from his wife, even choosing not to eat within the same house. Deep in my heart, I knew “he was crying inside” and I ended that part of the conversation with “this may have been a chance for her to learn to turn into a woman, a chance another man may not do it for her, except you”.

Half an hour later, we arrive at the home where my hosts were hosting an engagement party for their twenty-something year old daughter.

And then, almost in an instant, it looked like I had walked from one world into another world – a world ‘fit for a princess”. The place was teeming with men and women working side-by-side, putting together the venue for an evening of merriment and joy in celebration of exchanging and accepting the dowry between the groom and the bride’s family an event which was held earlier in the morning. I sat by the corner, watching and soaking in as much of the buzz of the evening and location. It was all new to me here. The women were washing plates and dishing food and drinks out to the guests who were arriving and laying tablecloths on the tables The men were preparing the firewood that was going to part of the braai stands that would grill enough meat for an anticipated guests of 500 to 600 persons. Perhaps even a 1000. Elders were playing out their traditional roles receiving the bridal parties on both sides and observing the protocols of the day. Meanwhile tiny tots scaled the length and breath of the venue adding colour and vibrancy to the occasion with their spanking new clothes and their chirping voices. Nothing over the top. Only sheer joy meandering all around in the togetherness.

Two hours later and when the venue, food and the guests were set, the bride walks in, in the arms of her fiance. He was beaming from ear to ear eager to show his bride off to the world. Both of them took the main stage and sat on their assigned seats (well, I actually want to mean ‘thrones’). She sat on her side, glancing from the corner of her eyes and chatting at her fiance from time to time, while taking in the whole place and the evening and how it has been laid out in front of her. She did not hold any airs about her but smiled sweetly knowing she was being treated like a princess from her groom to her father.

I sat at my chair within the audience enjoying how much the bride was enjoying the evening.

The next morning, that is today morning, something struck me.

How did I go from, in less than one hour and in a distance of less than 100 km apart, hearing the story of a ‘prostitute’ in the guise of a wife to seeing a princess about to become a wife?

Both assaulting my senses in the same evening.

How did the same land produce both princesses and ‘prostitutes’? Which one is more? Which side is growing? And which side is seeing declining numbers?

Why does this happen?