What just happened?

EVENT

WHAT THE STRUCTURE LOOKS LIKE AT A POINT IN TIME (AS AN EVENT)

Now, even the best of friends become the worst of enemies.

Floor crossings and attempts to overthrow the regimes or fight back at our parents or our spouses.  They seem too close for comfort and cause heart-breaks.

THE STORY OF PARTNERS WHO BECOME ENEMIES: Two parties want to cooperate, but each sees the other undermining their success

PATTERN

A MANAGEMENT STORY ILLUSTRATING THE BEHAVIOR OF THE STRUCTURE PLAYING OUT OVER TIME (BOT / VIDEO)

“Best of friends are now the worst of enemies” stories

BEHAVIOUR OF THE GRAPH (BOT) / PATTERN OVER TIME

STRUCTURE

DESCRIPTION OF THE ARCHETYPE

Each part is doing something unintentionally that is undermining the other party’s success.

Again this another type of archetype that tends to trigger when we bring two or more persons together.

During the good times, the partners act in ways that contribute to each other’s well-being.  However, when faced with challenges to its success, A takes actions that serve its own interests but also have negative effects on its partner.  B responds by taking actions that protect its own interests at A’s expense.  Both sides become locked in a vicious reinforcing dynamic that puts them against each other.

MENTAL MODEL

OUTLOOK THAT CAUSES THE STRUCTURE TO PERSIST DESPITE OUR EFFORTS TO SOLVE THEM / RESISTS PROBLEM SOLVING:

“We must please everybody all of the time”

FEAR OF REJECTION.  LEARNING:  TO LET IT GO SO AS NOT TO LET THE FEAR AFFECT THE WAY YOU SHAPE YOUR OUTLOOK, PERSPECTIVES AND DECISION-MAKING.

MAKING A SYSTEMIC INTERVENTION

TREATING THE STRUCTURE

UNDERSTANDING WHY RELATIONSHIPS SOUR

In any relationship each party has its own purpose.  Some of the things you do contribute to achieving my objectives and others get in my way.  Often the “getting in the way” occurs when you inadvertently make my life more difficult while pursuing your own goals.  In response, I might take action to ensure my continued success.  These “safeguards” end up making your life more difficult.  You then act to protect your interests, unintentionally obstructing me in turn.  I find evidence to blame you for the problems in our relationship, thus absolving myself of responsibility and limiting the possibility I will help solve the problems.  You in turn become defensive, finding ways to blame me.  I then classify you as “bad” or “untrustworthy”; you classify me as well.  We eventually become enemies.

Intervention:

• Strengthen the healthy relationship loop
  • Avoid acting solely in self-serving ways
  • Recognise that your partner will do things for him- or herself from time to time, and learn to observe the consequences without assuming bad intent
  • Form relationships with like-minded people
  • Get insight into the systemic structure!
  • Use dialogue to focus on team-centred behaviour
• Weaken the dysfunctional relationship loop
  • Avoid the temptation to blame the other person when something goes wrong – seek to clarify the real reasons for his or her actions
  • Find ways to handle stress and frustration
  • Avoid attempting to sort through “who started it”
  • Communicate effectively when you are dissatisfied with your partner’s performance
  • Schedule meetings to talk openly.

What it looks like if the system was working well:

• “We can work this out, so that everybody wins.”
• All parties pay attention to their own behaviours